I'm prepping for a big writing project -- taking all of my old stories (since age 10), journal entries, etc.
As I was sorting everything out, I came across a lovely typed piece, simply titled Halloween 2001. It's a list of 15 classic horror films and a brief synopsis for each.
I've no idea what this was for -- perhaps a list of suggestions for a friend? Based on the year, I'm guessing a co-worker at an old day job.
At any rate, as I move to preserve all of these various writing chunks from my life -- this particular item won't be placed in any book, but I can't part with it until it's found a "permanent" home.
*Please note, I'm not proud of the nasty (and unnecessary) comment regarding Shelly Duvall, but I'll keep it intact. Accept that I was an asshole when writing this, apologize for it and chalk it up to apparently being a douche-bag when I penned this. My apologies to Ms. Duvall and any potential readers...
So here it is:
I have narrowed my search down to the following 15 titles, in no particular order:
1) Night of the Living Dead
The 1968 black and white classic about 7 strangers stranded in a farmhouse in the backwoods of Pennsylvania, while hundreds of recently revived corpses; hungry for human flesh; attempt to break through their haphazard barricade. Tensions flare between the living, as the dead pound mercilessly on the windows and doors. George Romero directs.
2) The Blair Witch Project
Released in the summer of 1999, this film became a phenomenon. Filmed entirely with handheld cameras, the film is eerily realistic. It follows three young filmmakers into the woods to discover the real truth of a local legend. What they find is much more than they bargained for.
Steven Spielberg wrote and produced this suburban nightmare. Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) directed, although it is believed Steven Spielberg had more than the regular producer's hand in the final product. Whoever was involved, the film is a genuine find. The genius lies in the happy-go-lucky atmosphere created. Goes to show you, bad things happen anywhere and to anyone. Note the great performances of JoBeth Williams as Diane Freeling and Beatrice Streight as Dr. Lesch.
The urban legend at its best. Look in the mirror, say his name 5 times and he will appear behind you. Or better yet, don't. The underrated Virginia Madsen delivers a powerful performance as Helen, the object of Candyman's deadly desires. The film takes place in Chicago's infamous Cabrini Green. Eat your heart out, Bloody Mary!
John Carpenter's 1978 masterpiece of unstoppable suspense. Jamie Lee Curtis stars in her first film role as Laurie Strode, the babysitter who must overcome her shyness and naivete to battle and honest-to-God boogeyman. Spawned 6 highly inferior sequels, with another on the way. It doesn't get any better than this.
6) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Loosely based on the real life murder spree of Wisconsin's own Ed Gein, this is a non-stop joy ride of depravity and sickness. Cannibalism, cross-dressing, skin wearing, chainsaw murders, and family dinners. This film has it all. Extremely intense and sometimes difficult to watch.
7) A Nightmare on Elm Street
Johnny Depp has his first starring role opposite a filthy child murderer who uses knives like giant fingernails. How can you not love this film? It seamlessly intertwines reality with dreams (well except for the last 20 minutes or so) and created the one and only Freddy Krueger. Really great special effects, especially for such a small budget. Keep in mind, that almost every major studio turned this project down, before New Line Cinema picked it up. Robert Shaye, the head of New Line, calls his studio, "The house that Freddy built". To those studios that shrugged off Wes Craven and his "wild" ideas, "How wrong can you be?"
8) The Exorcist
Six words. "Your mother sucks cocks in hell."
9) Rosemary's Baby
This story is about an actor, his wife, and their new home, opposite devil worshippers. Well, there's nothing wrong with that, unless they have evil plans in mind for you, and you are trying to get pregnant, and your actor husband is down on his luck in the theatre circuit, and you happen to be Mia Farrow, and you just happen to crave raw meat, and of course are too nosy to not let things go. Ruth Gordon won the 1968 Supporting Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Minnie Castavet. Enjoy!
10) The Shining
Jack Nicholson acts in a Stanley Kubrick film, based on a novel by Stephen King. Sound kinky? Well, not so crazy as the result. Some amazing imagery in this film, and some if doesn't seem to mean much, but it sure does look good. Very atmospheric. Shelly Duvall is about as homely as any human being could be, but man, she sure can act. If this film taught us anything, it was to always keep an eye on things as you turned the corner on your Big Wheel.
Surprise! Another Stephen King product. This one concerns a young girl with telekinetic powers (the power to move things with her mind) an the onset of puberty, which only gives her gift more strength, and allows her to have more control over it. Not a good thing if you happen to be one of the bullies at school who has the urge to mock her at every chance. Sissy Spacek was nominated for an Oscar as "Creepy" Carrie White, the poor put upon nerd with the psycho bible-beating mother, and the schoolhouse full of (insert sarcasm here) caring, supportive, sensitive friends.
12) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
Perhaps more of a sci-fi film, however, the scary scenes in this film certainly raise it to the status of honorary horror film. An all star cast must outwit, outplay and outlast, in essence, survive the onslaught of nasty doppelganger pods from outer space. The ending needs to be seen to be believed. The whole idea behind this film is terrifying, things from outer space come to earth to clone the human race, in the interim, killing the real people. To what end? It is never really explained, but who cares, the whole time you're wondering who is who and what is what. Leonard Nimoy even gets in on the fun.
13) The Thing (1982)
Here we have John Carpenter again. And again, we have a sci-fi/horror crossover. Another all star cast must fight against something that looks like them, talks like them, but certainly doesn't scream like them, especially when it gets a flamethrower to the face. Also, this group of people is stuck in the Antarctic. So they are cut off form everyone and everything. After they dig up a spaceship that has been stuck in the ice for millions of years, the incredible special effects take flight. They are a gooey icky mess, but certainly not the star of the film, as so many critics have said. The star (opposite Kurt Russell) is the complete sense of hopelessness and isolation that permeates the film. It really delivers the goods.
14) The Hitcher
This film explains in gritty detail why you should never pick up hitchhikers. Start Rutger Hauer, C. Thomas Howell and Jennifer Jason Leigh.
15) The Entity
Barbara Hershey stars as a woman living a normal life, until a ghost in her home decides to rape her... and rape her... and rape her. Extremely painful to behold, but Hershey's performance is riveting and the story is creepy enough to maintain full attention by the audience. The ending here is tricky, but pay attention and it will be worth the price of admission.
Note: The original printed document was not saved.
an ongoing description of my life, loves, thoughts, fears, work and lustings.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
I'm prepping for a big writing project -- taking all of my old stories (since age 10), journal entries, etc.
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Posted by klugula at 12/19/2017 10:49:00 AM
Saturday, May 06, 2017
Yeah. That's a random number, as such memorable moments of sheer embarrassment are infinite.
To this day, as a 42 year old man, I still carry around the guilt or red-face-inducing flubs of so many things from my many years -- that it's become something of a neurotic obsession.
Something random and seemingly unrelated will whisper in my ear, "remember that over-the-top embarrassing moment when..."
Some things have fallen into the category of a goofy memory -- no longer inspiring unrest or discomfort, while others still have the mighty power to make me feel bad right then and there -- years -- even decades after the original event. What a thing is the human brain?
Well one which has been on my mind -- only because I intended to write about it some time ago -- is about to come to light. It's one of the now-goofy ones which makes for a fun anecdote, not something which requires an immediate trip to my therapist.
One of my summer jobs back home -- during my college years (and I actually worked this job right after graduation for a few months -- before I moved to Minneapolis) was as a hotel housekeeper, for a hotel called The White House Inn. It was a good gig, with good people in the higher-up positions. And if there weren't many rooms, you could be done w/ your work day in a flash (they paid by room, of course -- not by the hour -- thus the faster you worked, the faster you went home). I think it was the summer between my junior and senior years at college -- since my mountain bike played a large role in this story.
My younger brother and I went biking quite often in the rocky and sometimes steep terrain of Lead (that's in the Black Hills of South Dakota -- where I grew up). And this summer was a good one (and if I recall, the summer I fully came out -- even beyond my initial "bi-sexual" label). But I digress.
Anyway, it was an average day. I rode my bike to work and was assigned my rooms. It could be a nasty job, but I'll save some of those truly disgusting encounters for another time.
I went into one of my rooms and found a note from the folks who had obviously just checked out. I don't recall the exact wording on the note, but it was something along the lines of,
"Someone left some filthy magazines in the nightstand drawer".
Well -- and here's where you'll want to stop reading -- if in fact you hold me in high regard as some sort of innocent, God-fearing creature --
Being someone who enjoys pornography, I was naturally intrigued.
I quickly opened the drawer to find two straight, hard-core porno magazines. If I recall, one was a "Cheri" magazine (was that a thing?) and I don't remember what the other one was.
Now, being in a small town, I wasn't big on going out to buy magazines at our local convenience store (and they wouldn't have the gay ones I would prefer anyway). And I had a limited collection from my 3 years in college. So some new spank-material was not a bad thing. Luckily, some of the hard-core straight mags have ample male exposure and actual climax shots. This was long before the internet, folks, so this was some high quality material.
So I decided right then and there that I needed to find a way to smuggle this contraband from the hotel room and to my home -- following my day's work and on my bicycle no less. I didn't carry a backpack or anything, so this was going to be a challenge.
First thing I did toss the note of course.
I then wrapped the magazines in several layers of trash bags. They were clear, so this was ultimately pointless. But I put them under a stack of towels in my cart.
As the day went on and I continued to clean pubes from the tubs and scrub the toilets, my mind was only on how best to make my end of the day exodus with these all-important magazines.
Luck! I found a stack of magazines in the laundry room -- People, Us and other like-minded publications, left over by other hotel guests. I asked the boss if I could take those home. The answer was, "of course!"
Success! So I loaded them up with the contraband and wrapped them in several layers of more garbage bags.
And most of you will know how awfully flimsy those hotel room trash-bags truly are -- so this was an uneasy effort to begin with.
The day ended and I mounted my bike, with this probably 8 magazine-high stack in these piss-poor garbage bags. I balanced them all for a good while, but when I crossed the street while riding my bike, I came up on the curb. There was no gradual slant to accommodate potential wheelchair-ridden citizens, so I tried to wheely my bike up over the curb, while still balancing my valuable parcel.
I didn't clear the curb, and smashed my front tire (bending the rim) into the cement.
Naturally, the already-delicate package flew from my hand (obviously I was steering with only one hand). Upon landing on the sidewalk, the bags tore and split open (of course) and that stack of magazines -- including the deeply hidden gems I so desperately wanted to get home -- slid out in a pattern which can only be described as a perfectly fanned-out giant-sized deck of cards.
Luckily, it wasn't a heavily-traveled walkway, so I quickly snatched up the stack, but was now left with torn bags. I don't recall how I managed to re-wrap them, but the bike tire was still sound enough to continue the ride home (a week later, while out on a ride, my tire went flat -- no doubt punishment for my sinful urges).
At any rate, I got my new magazines home and I'm sure I enjoyed them. The People magazines, of course. Ahem.
For years, my face would redden at the random remembrance of this caper. Today, at my ripe old age, I'm finally able to let something like this go and simply laugh about it.
Looking back -- with who I am and the sometimes confidence I now have -- if I was who I am now, I would simply have told my boss, "Hey, I found these porno mags in one of the rooms. Okay if I take them home? Do you have a bag I could use?"
With age comes indifference to those around you, I guess. Judge me. I don't care (except when I do).
The bottom line is that I can finally let things like this roll off of me. I don't have the time or energy to lend to these potentially guilt-laden memories.
I guess I should write about all of the rest of these embarrassing moments -- in an effort to vanquish them forever -- but I don't have enough life to live to accomplish such a feat. Besides, I've no doubt got so many more to experience in the second half of my life.
I've won this battle, but I doubt I'll ever win the war.
Posted by klugula at 5/06/2017 09:20:00 PM
Friday, January 06, 2017
Posted by klugula at 1/06/2017 08:55:00 PM