Mind Over Matter: My Anxiety's Journey Through Blood Covered Chocolate

It's been quite a 3-week + journey since I received a call from my friend Susan.

I was offered the lead role in a feature film called Blood Covered Chocolate, produced by Susan and written/directed by her husband (also my good buddy), Monte Light.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

Except that the call came just one week prior to the film's intended start date for shooting.

Without going into the details of why this came up, suffice to say that the original actor chosen to do the film, had to drop out.

I had read the script a year ago, offered notes to Monte, and then participated in a Zoom reading around August 2020.  Weirdly enough, I was asked to step into the lead role last minute (for the reading), due to other circumstances (an omen of forthcoming events, perhaps?)

Once I confirmed with my hubby that he was good to go (since this quick turnaround would effect him as well), I accepted the part.  And thus this whirlwind trip to prepare and bring this character of "Massimo" to life began.

But with this, it was naturally time for my anxieties to ratchet up into full blown catastrophizing.

The reason I bring this up after the fact (spoiler alert, I made it!), is that I want/need to acknowledge this triumph over my worries and my anxieties.  Over the years, I've been open about how debilitating these things can be to me, keeping me from going out and simply enjoying life.  So it's something I constantly battle.

But now, here I am adding a monster project, with little time to prep, with stresses unique to this situation, and with its own brand of unknowns -- something my brain doesn't like.

Sigh.

I'll go through all of the many bouts of self-doubt (nice little rhyme there) as well as body worries and concerns over not being able to "bring it" to this role.

Again -- in an effort to pat myself on the back and say, "Fuck yeah, dude.  You did it!"

So day one, it was an immediate requirement to get COVID-tested.  So that was prepped for the next day (Monday).  So with that necessity already on the table (meaning I had to venture out into the unknown -- the test, the potential results, etc.), the worry began to build right away.

Then of course, I had to read the script (it'd been a while since my last exposure), memorizing lines, examining the character, finding the arc, marking my script, etc.  All of the things I would normally do to prep for a role.  And with that, there were several high emotion moments for the character... things you can't phone in.  So cue that worry -- "can I do it?"

And the thing is, Massimo is on EVERY SINGLE PAGE of the script.

So that's quite a stresser, right, even with time to prep!

Also of immediate concern:  Massimo would appear semi-naked, possibly nude.  And I would have a love scene with a woman.

Next worry:  I had gained some poundage over the holidays, so coming into March (and the shoot), I wasn't looking grotesque, but there was some stomach pudge to deal with.  Cue the body image issues.

I also have been breaking out on my chest, with a little bit of acne here and there.  And perhaps it's the diabetes, but my skin issues just don't heal as quickly as they once did.  I'd be appearing shirtless on camera, with zits on my chest. So why not worry about that?  I took on a more stringent moisturizing process each day leading up to the shoot, thus addressing the dryness factor at least.  And in the end, I don't think I looked terrible, but the final product will tell the details.  Lots of closeups, yo!

Then (all the while learning lines and prepping) I had to contend with the fact that there would be FOUR location shoot days -- two of which were a 3-hour drive to The Salton Sea area.

So what, you say --

Well -- one of the many issues I have, is what I've termed my "poo anxiety".  I've discussed it pretty openly, and have made it a priority in talks w/ my shrink.

Bottom line, I have a terrible fear of shitting myself -- to the point of having panic attacks if stuck in traffic, or if there is no escape or easy, quick access to a bathroom.  There is something of a claustrophobia aspect to this as well.  Have I ever actually crapped my pants as an adult?  No.  So why this fear?  You tell me.  Again, working through this with my shrink.

So armed with that fear -- which, when traveling to places unknown, is generally pretty damned heightened.  And, these remote desert locations are without bathrooms.  I'll happily piss in a corner of the desert, but what if the urge is to do a #2?

But poo anxiety isn't the only issue.

A few months ago, I realized that my ab/situp work in my daily exercise, was fucking with my bladder control.  There were a few dribbles of piddle here and there -- nothing monumental, but I nixed the ab work.  I even thought I might have kidney issues, so did bloodwork, revealing no problems.  So, it's a mind thing, then -- great.

Poo anxiety AND pee anxiety.  It's a great mix, and so joyful.

With all of that, there was the additional stress of knowing that the majority of the film (not the location shoots) would be done in Monte and Susan's one-bedroom apartment.  One bathroom -- which would sometimes be inaccessible as some scenes would be shot in said bathroom.  And shooting with strangers.  Obviously, everyone uses the bathroom, so there was no need to be worried about this.  I have a bladder the size of a pea, so I'm always peeing.  Never helps that when I'm nervous, I pee more.  Par for the course.

Thankfully, I made quick friends with the crew/cast and so my frequent "Do I have time to piddle?"s in between takes, was never an issue... well, because no one cares but me, right?  You gotta pee, then pee!

And again -- still worrying about learning lines and prepping the character.

Next worry: first day on set, the constant pressure of having to pee (even when I didn't have to) comes into play.  Knowing full well that it's in my head and that the stress is just tightening up my innards and providing the lovely sensation that I have to go -- makes no difference.

I also had to get shirtless on the first day.  Luckily, by the second day of the shoot, I was already well over my personal body-shaming (just too much work to be done).  When all is said and done, I will probably appear in my underwear/shirtless for a good majority of this film.

And while it was only a daily trip to the apartment of about 15 minutes, I had travel anxiety and what can only be seen as mild stage fright -- EVERY SINGLE MORNING.  There's seemingly no way to control it.

And since my call times were (many mornings) 7am, I would have to get up about 4am to stretch, do my morning routine -- which also includes multiple bowel movements.  Too much info?  Sure, but this is meant to be a no-holds-barred examination of what I've overcome in this process.

Adding in to this poo anxiety, I recently switched up my diabetes injections.  It's now a once a week deal, but side effects can include diarrhea.  Great.  And naturally, since this project came out of nowhere, I had begun said new injections, only days before I got the gig.  Sigh.  Another concern to contend with.

Next:  So on set, there are cats (Wally and Robby are awesome cats and I love them).  I am not allergic, but being in a strange environment, with dander, cat hair and simply different smells, dusts, etc. (certainly after a year of being ONLY in my own home), I had the concern of, "I hope I don't get over-the-top allergies, thus affecting my performance or breath control".  During the shoot, I was taking 2 allergy pills every morning.  And it seemed to do the trick.

But of course, any little scratch in my throat meant that the world was going to end, I'd have to shut down the production, let everyone down, etc.  And I also had frequent high emotion scenes, which could require some heavy lifting as far as my voice.  Much to the chagrin of my other half, I would do some solid vocal warmups each morning before heading to set.  Did all of this prep keep me from worrying?  Have you been reading?  Ha!

And then, with some very intimate moments with several of my co-stars -- there were "bad breath" concerns, body odor concerns.  The usual things one might worry about on a film set, but for me -- these are big deals and I simply must overblow their real power.  I mean, why not?

There was a scene written in the script, in which Massimo was to be submerged in a tub full of water.  Always wanting to be a team player, I was ready to do it (not nude, but in swim trunks).  But knowing full well how my body will break out with seemingly no impetus, I talked Monte out of having to do it.  So that was a disaster averted, but there was the guilt for having to ask.  Monte didn't really care, and the alternate chunk worked great.

I also deal with a bad back.  While I stretch every single day, there are things you can't be prepared for.  As I'm writing, my back is still sore from all of the work on the film.  Weird angles hanging off of the bed, some actual minor stunt work in the desert.  Kneeling, grabbing people -- doing all of these things over and over -- takes a toll, and certainly on an old man like me.  So there was a constant concern of "one weird move when your back is sore -- could derail all of this".  

By the second or third day, many of the anxieties began to fizzle.  I was in my underwear for so much of this process, there was just no room left to care.  The good thing is that seeing some of the playback each day, set my mind to rest.  I didn't look bad -- except for that ONE scene.  Sigh.

On top of all of this, COVID.  Everyone was tested, and the crew was always masked, but obviously cast was not.  And while I was fully vaccinated by the time that call came in (otherwise I would have had to say no to the project), this was still a worry, and a valid one.

It seems that when one anxiety would be overcome, something would immediately take its place.  There was never any reprieve from being on edge.  Perhaps that helped my performance.  Massimo IS on edge, a recovering addict and going to some very dark places in his psyche as he goes through this journey.

And even after all of the worries over the location travel, it was quite uneventful... thankfully.  On the first day in the desert, I only peed twice.  Point being, if I'm too involved in the work at hand, my mind has no time/room to worry about anything but the work... which confirms that this crap is indeed mental.

I was able to nail my lines for the entire script by the time the shoot began, prepping as much as I possibly could, had many conversation with Monte about Massimo.  So going in on day one, there wasn't much more I could have done to prepare, over that one week.  And despite that realization, did I still worry?  Ha ha ha.  Take a guess.

So circling back around to why I'm penning this blog -- all of those worries, concerns and anxieties were not able to beat me.  Massimo has a line in the film of "Mind over matter".  And I've taken that to heart.

It seems ridiculous to now worry about a simple trip to the grocery store (shitting my pants, having a panic attack), when I made it through the last-minute slalom course that was Blood Covered Chocolate.  I did my job, had no catastrophes and by God -- can chalk up this experience as not only an acting triumph (surprisingly, I feel I did quite well -- not beating myself up) but a great big "fuck you!" to my internal anxieties.  

I mean, I did it.  

The question is -- how do I bottle that triumph for future worries, to avoid panic attacks -- and to temper my ever-increasing hermit-dom?  (note:  I was diagnosed with mild agoraphobia).  

Time will tell, but for now:  Thanks Blood Covered Chocolate -- you've proven a good point.  

And to my anxiety?

You can go to hell, thank you very much.

You don't have me.