Neurotic...

Neurotic, put your hands all over my body.

Allow me to impart to you the details of the last two days.

I've never considered myself neurotic; as a person or as an actor. Well, times-they-are-a-getting-very-different. I know I've had moments, but it was never a chronic condition. But, for two days, I've had horrifying symptoms of ultra-sensitivity, and naked vulnerability. What caused it? Here are the possibilities.

Sunday morning I awoke, well rested, and ready for my second day on the job as a techie. Later in the evening (the last scene to be shot that day), I would be filming my first moments for House of Black Wings. It was a beautiful day outside; good for us filmmakers, as we were shooting a picnic flashback sequence. I did my now usual duty as "slate girl", as well as the other needed odd jobs. Afterward, we made our way back to the director's place (doubling for one of the main character's apartments; later in the shoot), and prepped for the next bit of business. We packed up Clare's (DP & costumer; as well as other responsibilities) still camera and moved on to Indian Boundary Park (incidentally; this is the place where I did my first Chicago show; The Good Doctor for the Chicago Park District), where she shot three or so rolls of film to fill in for the...well, to be in the movie...I don't want to give away any secrets. As if it's necessary to explain (I will anyway...hell it's my blog, I'll say what I want), I saw a Corgi in the park, and had to run to catch the owner and say hello. I think his name was Jimmy. I digress. The next scene was to be filmed in a motel room; and director David wanted to cut back on the crew; as not to arouse the suspicions of the motel owners. Could look like some other type of film was being done there. Thus, fellow actor and techie (also named Michael) and I took a break at a local coffee shop, had a break, a drink, and a game of chess. This was a highlight of the day, as I have not felt so relaxed and challenged in quite a while. I haven't played chess in forever, but I think I did quite well. The game ended in a draw (we each had the same exact pieces remaining), as director David showed up to whisk us away to dinner. Michael, I had an absolutely LOVELY time playing, and you are now officially my chess buddy. Anyhoo, we joined the remaining cast and crew for a quick bite (courtesy of the lovely red-haired waitress), before completing the final two scenes for the evening.

Now, after this long; seemingly harmless explanation of the day thus far, you, my avid readers of 0; are wondering where it all went wrong, and when my super-senso sensitivity kicked in. Here it is.

There was a long, drawn out story about my history w/ the other half. There seemed to be genuine interest in our story; especially considering our 7 years on the books. I may be kidding myself, but people seemed to be listening. Who knows? I explained that the other half is...well...somewhat racist. It seemed an inappropriate term, but that's what came out. I then went on to explain that perhaps racist isn't the correct term, because he hates everyone and everything equally (a horrible generalization; his bark is worse than his bite; and so I told my listeners same). The faux pas; if you will, was when I said racist, I made eye contact w/ the only African American person in our group. Okay, the only black guy in the group (I'm super tired of uber-political correctness; I call myself white; and don't have a problem...). I don't know if that made him or anyone else in the group self-conscious, but it did a number on me. I felt stupid, but still managed to enjoy the evening. In fact, I left it behind (I'm sure it was bigger to me than anyone else...that's the way my mind works; welcome to it!) and started to get nervous about my scene that evening. So, this is the first of two things that lead me to the appropriate term of the day; neurotic. We dispersed from the dinner table and returned to director David's digs. Upon my arrival there, I was introduced to the special effects make-up artist for the film. Michelle. She was a treat. I got myself into costume and allowed her to work on my brick-gouging hands/fingers for about 45 minutes. I must say, they looked pretty nasty. Good times. I was then "ready for my close-up". We shot a few different angles, and I felt pretty good about what I had done. I "felt" the most on my second take for the close up. There was blood all over the brick in the alley by the time we were done, and I hoped that it would all come out in the viewing. We went back upstairs to view the footage; just to be sure it was all intact (so I had to wait around w/ my bloody stumps), and I wasn't super pleased w/ my performance. Perhaps it would have been better to not see it, but hindsight is 20/20 (nice cliche). Director David didn't seem super pleased either, and I wasn't sure if he was thinking about other things, or picking up on the fact that I was a bit unsure. So, here comes neurotic act number two. I emailed him today and asked if he was okay w/ my work last night. He replied that it was fine and his editor said it would work out fine. I feel a bit like I let him down, cuz this was the same scene I felt like I had "nailed" in the callbacks for the role. Was my audition better; is he thinking he made a mistake? I don't really know where these irrational thoughts come from. I need to trust that he has his own best interest and his project's best interest in mind, and would not let anything go by the wayside if he was unsure. So, there's my rationale.

Anyway, I had a weird day at work today; cuz of all these thoughts twirling around in my head. I was desperate to get home and blog about it, just to release all of the wackiness from my brain, and just move on. Here I am. I do feel better. Weird.