Thinking Back

Everyone knows that it's the 5 year anniversary. Unless, of course, you're living under a rock. I'm already tired of hearing about it today. It just dawned on me right now why that is. The other half and I are sitting here watching footage of the events. I'm on the verge of tears. I wasn't there, I wasn't near any of the events. Why does it still serve to upset me? For the first time today; I saw one of the people jumping from a tower window and plummeting. I felt nauseous.

How ridiculous was it that the other half and I were driving to work; listening to the cast album of A Chorus Line. I often think back about how it must have looked to other commuters; those listening to the radio and hearing the events unfold; as we were singing along to "Dance, Ten; Looks, Three" next to them in the toll station. They must have thought we were insane. We made it to work, and heard the news. We didn't know details, but it would all come to light soon. We had a moment of silence; all of us in the office gathered in a circle. The other half and I then headed home (in retrospect, probably stupid to head back into a major city). We sat in front of the television all day long; eventually...well...passing out on the living room floor. We were exhausted. I cried most of the day; not really knowing exactly why. I tried to reach two of my closest friends; who were living in NYC at the time. I learned later that they were fine...thank God. I guess I don't like the anniversary, cuz all of the horror and contempt rises back up in my throat. I guess it's good that it can still feel so fresh...it'll keep us from falling too far down into that complacency...not that we're so far off from where we were before the attacks. A quick moment to say I'm glad my loved ones and I are still around. I'm sorry for all those that lost someone.

So strange. The other half and I have always wished we could have seen The Today Show on that morning; just for how Matt and Katie and Al handled the whole thing. The other half called me this morning to say that they were replaying that broadcast; and he recorded it for us to watch tonight. We just watched 5 minutes of it and had to shut it off...I just burst into tears; sobbing uncontrollably. I don't get it. Can some psychiatrist explain it to me? Am I afraid of another attack? Do I have a problem seeing all of that real death and destruction? What is it? I know for sure that one thing making me so sensitive; is when I think about anyone in the building or plane; and the moment they see what is about to happen. So strange...