I Think I'm Ready to Share

He died on July 6th.

Truth be told, he was technically my stepfather. Contact with my biological father has been far and in-between since my mother and he divorced when I was 6-ish. So, Fred was basically my father. I never called him "dad"; he was called Fred; when I addressed him. There had been talk when they first married; that my older brother and I would take his last name; he would adopt us. I recall being a small child and not agreeing to the name change. I'm not sure why; but even now; I don't regret still having my own last name. No disrespect intended.

It was a massive heart attack. Sudden; and clean-cut. No fuss, no muss. Obviously, we all knew he was not healthy. Neither of my parents are/were. He had a bad diet. He was overweight. He was strong as an ox, but not the exercising type. He had pneumonia about 4 months ago; and frankly, I wonder if that did some damage to his system; opening him up to other trouble spots in his body. The other problem? He never complained; not once in the almost 25 years I knew him (yes, this December would mark the 25th wedding anniversay with my mom--more on this later). So, if he had been feeling ill, no one but him would have known it.

Timing. A few items (in hindsight) make for some eerie probability that he knew his death was imminent. It all started about 2 months ago. My dad had worked for the Homestake Gold Mine for some 25+ years (until it closed down about 7 years ago). In its hey-day, it was the largest gold mine in the western hemisphere. Indeed, it was the cornerstone of the Lead-Deadwood (yes, that Deadwood) economy. It was big business. When he was laid off; or perhaps while he was still there (I'm unsure); he was given/rewarded with several commemorative belt buckles with the Homestake logo; and real gold and precious metals contained within each item. He told my mom that he was going to give 4 of the very special ones to his four sons (that's my older biological brother; me; my 5-years younger step-brother; and my 10-years younger half-brother--don't misread me; I'm just going for the technicalities...we all grew up as just plain brothers). My mother wondered why he was making these decisions now; what was up? My youngest brother had the same queries. I dismissed it as my mother's usual melo-drama. Youngest brother received the first of the four belt buckles about 2 months ago; when my dad visited him in Denver. It was revealed after his death; by youngest brother; that he was actually told by my father; "This is something to remember me by." Of course, now I can see that my brother's concern was justified.

My trip home this month; was my first return in five years. Five! I still find it strange; and certainly convenient; that he died while I was there. I also am grateful to God; the Universe; whatever; that I was able to have some time with him before he left us. Two days before he died, he presented myself and my older brother with our belt buckles. It was a very emotional moment. My mother told me the 2 months ago of his intentions; and I recall getting choked up by that. The actual moment was wonderful. My older brother and I explained to him that it "meant a great deal". Fred responded with the same. Some "I love you's" were exchanged and many tears were shed...even by Fred. Let it be known that Fred rarely showed emotion; other than laughter. Again, he never complained, never cried; rarely got angry. In fact, he rarely spoke. We've all heard the phrase, "man of few words". That was Fred. I was taken aback; but also grateful by this brief exchange over the belt buckle. The one I received is beautiful. It contains 14 carat gold and a small diamond in its center. There's also the Homestake Gold Mine logo. I always had respect for the work he did; and he never missed work. He was a work-horse. No doubt about it. Anyway, this whole exchange was a bit out of character for Fred. This was two days before he died.

Our final evening with him was a genuine treat. The other half and I invited the family to my brother's home; and bought everyone a steak dinner. Older brother grilled; we laughed, reminisced; ate; and played a rousing game of poker (the other half's first try; he's now hooked).

Fred was in the driveway when I last saw him alive. They were getting ready to drive back home; late in the evening. I needed to say my goodbye; as the other half and I were scheduled to drive back on the coming Saturday. We wouldn't be seeing him again before we left South Dakota. I again expressed my great appreciation for his gift; and told him I loved him (again; not a very common sentiment between us). It was a warm; genuine hug. Strange as it may seem; I remember holding his wrist; much in the way I do with friends these days...kind of a follow up to the hug...like I wasn't ready to part or end the contact. I don't recall doing that with family in the past. In fact, this is a more recent practice I do when parting ways. It was not a plan; but I realize I now do this. I remember this specifically, cuz I felt the hair on his arm. Weird that this is hitting me now. In my constant (since his death) recollections for the benefits of friends/coworkers that weren't around @ the time; this was kind of deeper in my head. I remembered that, but this is the first time I'm "speaking" of it. Anyway, my last words to him were "I love you". You can't really ask for a better final moment with a loved one.

I have more to write; about the "aftermath"; as tacky as that sounds. And more memories of my dad. I still don't think it's sunk in completely. I know it's been only a few short weeks. I guess I'm still grieving. I've still had a few small breakdowns. It's now 1:20am. I guess this late hour makes things a bit more confused/cloudy.

G'night.