Can't Sleep...Clown Will Eat Me

You can see by the time on this; that it's late and I should be in a peaceful slumber in bed next to the other half. Well, I'm not. I've been lying in bed for half hour and can't fall asleep. Several reasons why.

Received a strange call from friend Steve (late tonight; will call him tomorrow) regarding a friend of his that works for Oprah. A topic for a show next week that we might be keen on. Call him, fits our "situation". I have a guess what that is, but I'll refrain from saying anything yet. If we do go on the show, then the whole world will know it anyway. Okay, I'm pregnant.

The second thing that's keeping me up...Is French Toast any good? I've gotten some good feedback; from people on the film and from others completely removed from it. I know I'm one of those people that begrudgingly accepts praise anyway, but this is something I'm finding difficult to decipher; people's honesty about its quality. My concern is that some of my friends may be telling me it's good; just to keep my spirits high. After all, it's my first attempt, why hit me right off the bat w/ negative, earth-shattering feedback. Is that what's happening? Gee, I don't know. I am not in some la-la land; bouncing off the moon's craters and into a straight jacket about the top notch piece I've concocted. It has its fair share of problems. I'm not blind to that. But how will it be received; as I do plan to show it and submit it to film festivals. Am I kidding myself that it's worthy of pursuing a wider viewership? The things that keep me up at night...Lord.

The final thing. This is gonna be a doozy-whopper of selfish, jealous, childish behavior. I just posted a couple of new entries; entitled "My Buddies". I plan to continue to give kudos to my friends in the show-biz world who have done well for themselves; and have the resumes/photos/sites to prove it. While I am genuinely happy for these friends and certainly proud to know that they've gone so far, there has always been a tinge (perhaps more of a tinge) of jealousy and a heaping mouthful of "Why not me" 's. So many questions run through my head. Of course I realize that this is all my issue; none of theirs. It's not as if they are taunting me w/ stills from their latest ad campaign or waving their impressive resumes in my face; saying "nanner-nanner-boo-boo" with their tongues protruding from their mouths. It all boils down to my own self esteem and feelings of negative self worth. Again, let me be clear. I am thrilled for my friends. I would never wish them ill will. I always end up comparing their accomplishments against my own. They never seem to add up. On top of that, there's always a little bit of, "How can they help me?" And more than that, "Why am I not marketable; as they so clearly are? Do they just have more drive than me? A better work ethic? Do they want it more? Are they prettier than me (well, that goes w/out saying)? Are they more talented? Have they met and impressed the right people?" Everytime I get an email or bit of news on the accomplishments of friends, these are the questions that begin to swirl in my brain. I try to use their good fortune and the fruits of their hard work to put my own motor into gear. Use it to get me excited and push harder. Sometimes it works; other times it doesn't. It's the strangest emotional mix of happiness, jealousy, pride in their accomplishments and my own self imposed misery that I'm not at the same place with my "career". Jesus, as if I needed another issue to bring up at (what is now clearly justified) therapy sessions...not that I'm attending. Chalk it up!

On top of all of this insomnia-inducing gobbledy-gook, I've probably jinxed my chances of being on Oprah; just by discussing it. For the love of God... :( Can't I just fall asleep and start over tomorrow morning?