Feelin' Kinda Blue

I'm taking a break from the job search. I don't even know what I accomplished today, but my brain feels tired. I completed a cover letter for crew/AD work, so I was able to send my stuff out to a few listings I found. I completed a profile for a temp agency the other half had been using. I have an appointment on Thursday morning. I'm really super excited about it. Can't you tell? No word from the nursery.

The dozens, if not hundreds of listings I perused today, left me feeling down. Am I not wanted? Is it just the market? I've got skills. "There's a buttload of gangs at this school." One listing for a personal assistant boldly stated, "ACTORS NEED NOT APPLY". That made me feel even worse. I get it. I know many actors are self-involved, flaky, useless bits of skin; in the regular job market. I'm not. At least I think I'm not. Of course if I were ever to get a day job, and my "career" came a'callin, I would most certainly leave behind the 9 to 5 nonsense (speaking of 9 to 5, the musical w/ lyrics and music by Dolly Parton is premiering here soon; with Alison Janney--apparently in the Lily Tomlin role--super!). Then again, if say Spielberg came by and said he needed me as the lead in his next film, I might just tell him, "I'm sorry Steve, I've committed to this $12/hour job, to wasting away behind a desk, answering phones for a bunch of deadbeats w/ no creative aspirations and letting my soul wither away until it looked like a prune...if it were visible, but it's not. I'm gonna have to say no. Sorry buddy."

I've bitched about this before, and it must certainly be a testament to my incredible patience if I'm already complaining about it here in LA. Two months w/ no job, and I'm as mad as hell...and I'm not gonna take it anymore! I don't want to work a day job. I don't want to punch a clock. I want to work on plays, and movies and TV shows. At this point, I don't have to be acting in them. I would love to be crewing on projects, or assisting producers. But getting paid for these adventures. People don't want actors for anything. I find myself in such a pickle now. I don't have a job, thus I don't have money...money to get headshots, do mailings, attend auditions, etc. But, when I do get a job, that pays money, I won't have time to attend agent meetings, or auditions or work on crews during the weekdays. If I get a retail gig, I won't even have weekends open anymore. Why does it have to be so difficult? Doesn't anyone have some answers, or some money? I'm so excited to get a job so that I can find stability, but every time the phone rings (perhaps from one of the 200 potential employers I've contacted) I get nervous that this is the call that will take away my freedom. It's so fucked up!

Who has the answers to my ridiculous issues? Who?

Maybe I should just take a nap. The other half will be home in a couple of hours. I'll tell him my woes, and he'll roll his eyes, perhap expel a growl or two...and tell me to quit complaining. It could be a lot worse. Yeah. It could. But, it could also be a lot better. (Hey Brian, I spelled "a lot" correctly...twice in a row!)

I'm a winer (whiner), and I'm very aware of it. I have no room to complain. I've got things pretty good, and they're getting better; what with the other half finally getting a good job, and yet I still feel down. Stupid bi-polar dysfunction syndrome. That's not a real thing...it's from a movie. Tee hee.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I don't even have a television set to console me. What is this world coming to?