Why I'm Nixing My "To-Do List Extravaganza" After a Decade in Use

It's just time.  It's served as a wonderful motivator since I inaugurated this idea in 2013.

It kept me accountable.  It inspired fellow artists to "commit" to goals (or so they told me).

But each year, the list and my patented "tab board" has grown.  And it's become somewhat overwhelming.  And particularly this year, I've had one helluva productive past 12 months, but so very few of the tabs were taken down.  

Life and indeed creative projects are fluid.  Things grab hold of your imagination.  Collaborations present themselves.  Hired jobs show up.  And you can't know that in December of the previous year, thus making room for them on the tab board.  I've tried to accomodate for unseen projects, but this year was a banner year of "I barely touched my to-do list".

And being who I am, filled with anxiety and being bummed out when I'm underperforming on creative projects, why should I set myself up for disappointment in myself, each and every winter when I evaluate how I did on the tab board?  'cause frankly, this year is insane as far as tabs untouched.  Not that I don't plainly see that I've been productive.  Heck, I say in my yearly wrap-up what things took me away from my intended work, thus making me feel somewhat better that some of these tabs/tasks didn't get the time of day.  Busy?  Yes.  On the projects I planned for.  Not necessarily.

I'm taking away the chance to feel bad about myself by not keeping track.  On top of all of this, the last couple of months have presented a smorgasbord of potential projects.  There are so many moving parts, there's simply no way to know which ones might come to fruition, take hold or move forward in 2024.  And what a lovely "problem" to have!    

And so, the yearly pseudo-New Year's resolutions will be retired.  It's been fun.  It's been helpful.  And it's been motivating. 

But I think it's time to simply work.  Not PLAN to work, if you catch my drift.  Will this patented "To Do List Extravaganza" ever re-emerge?  Never say never.  

And so, 2024, what have you got in store for me?  I'm ready to go just about anywhere!

2023 To-Do List Extravaganza!

Holy cats.  It's unbelievable.  It is, in fact, time to take a gander at how I did on my annual to-do list, for 2022.  And to make some plans for the upcoming year.  2023 is but moments away.

So as is the norm, I'll take a look at my list for this year, see how I fared, and then put down in black and white just what 2023 will bring, as far as a potential (wish list) workload.

Last year's list / how did it go?

1) A Stench in the Nostrils of God:  Feature screenplay.  1st-5th (approximately that many) drafts, reader's notes, table reading, contest entries, etc.  So let's say about 15 tabs or so.

    How did it go?  I completed the script, had a reading, submitted to several festivals, with the biggie recognition, a semi-finalist @ Screamfest.  Score!  So I can mark this with a big old DONE!

2) Unexpected Feature Screenplay:  As is now the norm, I'll plan for some random script idea to pop up and take priority over everything else.  So the usual here -- multiple drafts, festivals (maybe) and reading/readers.  Looking at about 15 tabs.

    How did it go?  While I began several other feature script projects, nothing found completion (not even a first draft).  So this is sadly marked as UNDONE.

3) Finish Immolation:  complete post (cuts/coloring/score, etc.) and then it's off to festivals.  So this should be about 15 tabs -- give or take.

    How did it go?  DONE!  With my amazing team, we shot some adt'l footage earlier this year, it was edited, color-corrected, score completed/inserted and entered into a bevy of festivals.  While there are more festivals to announce in 2023, we did find placement in several in 2022, notably We Make Movies and FilmQuest.  This was a biggie, and I'm so glad it's out there!  

4) First draft of "What the House Saw":  If I can get beyond a first draft of my first novel, great -- but bottom line, that first pass will be complete by year's end.  No question!

    How did it go?  DONE!  I chalk up "unproductivity" on other avenues to this very lengthy and time-consuming process.  I completed the first draft of the book in April of 2022 (just under a year since I began the process) and I even got through a second and third draft this year!  I also got valuable insights from a dear friend, who is training to become a book coach, and I happily was one of her guinea pigs.  This project will definitely find TOTAL completion in 2023!

5) ULIFTB completed:  My feature script with Libby -- to be done by year's end.  Usual multiple steps, drafts/reading/readers, etc.  So figure about 15 tabs for the board.

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  While there was some actual writing and more brainstorming earlier in the year, other projects took both of us away from our collaboration.  Hoping to pick this up again in 2023!

6) Three Acting Gigs:  Holding out hope for other fun things to cross my path.  Three tabs.

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  No acting gigs this year, but frankly, I just wasn't actively looking.

7) Three KSC Gigs:  Always looking for and hoping for adt'l business to come my way in the new year.  Three tabs.

    How did it go?  DONE.  I worked with a brand new client, and a client I began work with in 2021, came back for adt'l packages -- so return customer!  Score!  

8) Bear completed:  Looking to get this one done in 2022 as well.  Usual tabs, drafts/reading/readers, etc.  15 tabs (approximately)

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  I think I touched on this just a smidge over the year, but no real progress was made.  

9) House up the Street first draft:  It's do-able, but gotta really hunker down to make it happen.  Gonna do what I did last year, put up tabs for 10-story increments... but instead of 100 stories, gonna shoot for 150 (so 15 tabs).  That should bring me pretty darned close to having everything typed in and ready to edit!  :)

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  Not even a whisper of work on this.

10) Read 10 books:  Since I failed so miserably at being a well-read individual this year, gonna bring it back down to 10, rather than 12 books.  Will that make a difference?  Who the heck knows!  10 tabs.

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  Got through six books, which is great and all, but over one year -- just not enough.  Sigh.

11) New headshots:  It's been a good long while since I've had new shots, so putting this on the list for 2022.

    How did it go?  UNDONE.

12) New glasses/prescription:  Okay, so not work-related, but a must.  My glasses/lenses are at least 100 years old!

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  At least partially.  Got an updated prescription/appointment, but yet to get the new glasses themselves.

13) Dental Update:  Haven't been to the dentist in a good long while (embarrassingly long time ago!), so putting this on the list.  Again, not work related (unless I'm looking at better/healthier teeth for acting gigs, right?)

    How did it go?  UNDONE.

14) Diabetes Control:  Another non-work item for the list, but it will require work.  I was diagnosed w/ diabetes over a decade ago, and it's been off and on, well-controlled and not so well-controlled.  This coming year, I control it for good.  No more games.  I've been exercising daily for 3.5 years and that's now part of my daily DNA, but my diet has always been terrible.  Time to change that.  I ain't getting any younger.

    How did it go?  I'm gonna call this DONE.  While there's always room for improvement, I've taken some good steps toward better health, as far as diabetes control.  My hubby and I joined a gym in early February, and other than a few stops (COVID, travel, etc.), we've been going on the regular ever since.  Five days a week.  And it's now definitely part of our day!  My A1C is lower -- with an appointment only weeks ago.  And I've now decreased my insulin intake.  So I'm gonna call this one a success!  Yay!

15) Top 100 Fave Movies:  About 8 years ago, I made my Top 40 All Time Fave Movie list.  It's time to reevaluate, and expand.  I plan to rank my top 100 favorite films, using my already existing top 40 list as a starting point.  I then want to record the announcements/countdown for my YouTube page, 10 episodes w/ 10 reveals per episode.  So this will end up being a dozen or so tabs for the board.

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  This did see some work, but it just wasn't a priority to complete.

16) Feature Script Synopses:  This is something I've realized over the last year, that I desperately need.  So with 14 completed feature scripts under my belt, I need to get some brief synopses (1k words approx.) completed, for things like the ISA site (which most "gigs" require, before you can submit).  So this is 14 tabs -- or perhaps more, once these other scripts on the list are completed!

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  Saw some work on this, completing synopses of (I believe) two scripts.  Definitely want to continue to work on this in the new year.

17) Mariposa County:  This script I co-wrote and completed in 2021 -- as mentioned above, may move into production in 2022.  I've no idea how I'll be involved, but going to make 5 tabs (that feels right) for things I'll accomplish w/ this piece in the new year.  "Vague Mariposa Step #1" and so on...

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  There was some work on this early in the year, but at press, the project is basically dead.  Onto the next thing!

18) ESP:  I'm gonna throw this back into the pile.  Fingers crossed that something will come to fruition here.  Since Scott (partner on this one) and I have begun to outline an 8-episode arc, I will put up tabs for the completed ESP pilot, and then 7 fleshed-out episode bibles for the remaining portions of the season.  So with those, obviously 8 tabs, but with multiple drafts for the pilot, let's say -- 15 tabs?

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  Nothing done on this project, but I still hold out hope.  However, I won't put in on the list for 2023, and will just wait for it to start up again organically.

19 / 20) Hired Writing Gig #1 and Hired Writing Gig #2:  Two potential hired writing gigs (mentioned above) made themselves known to me this year, but nothing has been set in stone.  So, I'll put up a few "Vague Hired Gig Step #1" tabs -- and so on, just to accommodate these possible projects in 2022, and if those don't happen, them I'm set up for others which might present themselves!  Positivity reigns supreme!

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  One of the projects did not pan out.  And frankly, I don't even know what the second one was -- which was mentioned above.  Hmmm...

21) Complete Video Pitches:  I've so enjoyed doing these, I will finish up scripts already done, and plan to record pitches for any new scripts in 2022.  Also, my ISA video pitch (pitching myself).  So 10 or so tabs here?

    How did it go?  UNDONE.  While I got a few of them done, not all of them.  Will work to get the rest of them done in 2023.  

22) Passport renewed:  Self-explanatory!

    How did it go?  UNDONE.

2022's end of year tab board.  Empty pins showcase completed tasks.

As always, it's nice to take a look at any accomplishments which were not on the big list.

A project on which I was hired to be a writer back in late 2020, Dead Zone, was released as a Tubi Original, this summer.  It stars Michael Jai White and Jeff Fahey, and was directed by my friend Hank Braxtan.  I'm credited as "Original Screenplay by".  Pretty nifty credit to have!

Saw a ton of amazing concerts this year, including first times:  Debbie Gibson, Pet Shop Boys, New Order, New Kids on the Block, Rick Astley, En Vogue, Salt-n-Pepa and a bucket list live performance of my favorite band, Tears for Fears!  Also saw several touring Broadway productions, including Annie, Pretty Woman and Tootsie, among many other shows.

We returned to FilmQuest Film Festival in Utah this year, where it felt like we had returned home after a 4-year hiatus.  We were there to celebrate/promote our short film Immolation.  And speaking of that, we attended Immolation's World Premiere right here in LA, at We Make Movies Film Festival, in October.

On the We Make Movies side, I continued to judge for them this season, and have now joined them to help develop their first screenplay competition, as they go into their 5th year.  

The feature film I starred in (shot in early 2021) was completed and released.  Blood Covered Chocolate is now hitting the festival circuit, winning awards and has already garnered distribution (to be announced in the new year).  I've seen it at a couple of screenings/festivals and I'm overjoyed with how it turned out (congrats to my buddy Monte and his cast and crew)... and I'm thrilled with my acting work within.  Score!  And yes, seeing it on the big screen at its premiere in Vegas -- surreal!

I think that's it, as far as other notable events in 2022, so let's get on with it!

And now  -- without further ado -- the 2023 "To-Do List Extravaganza!"

1) Finish the novel.  While I did very well in 2022 on this project (completing three drafts when I wanted to finish only one), it's not as "done" as I had hoped.  And so this will be a top priority as the year begins.  I'm anticipating two more full passes/drafts on this piece, before calling it complete (complete enough to begin agency/publisher submissions).  I'll put two tabs on my board for the two drafts, and let's say three tabs for (1) Query letters (2) Publisher/agency research (3) Random other step in this process (I mean, what do I know?)

2) New spectacles:  Since I got my lens prescription, but not the actual new glasses, putting this back on the list/tab board.

3) Video Pitches: Any oustanding video pitches for completed scripts (number of tabs TBD).

4) Script Synopses:  Any outstanding synopses for completed scripts (number of tabs TBD).

5) Script Online Updates/Listings: ISA updates, Coverfly updates for any remaining scripts (number of tabs TBD)

6) Update passports.  Obviously, there's been no big travel outside of the country over the past many years (or ever, for that matter), but I'd like to get this thing prepped and ready to go, should it become a necessity, so putting it back on the board.

7) A Stench in the Nostrils of God short film/proof of concept.  I've gotten it into my head that this could be financially feasible in the new year.  So plans are underway to make this happen.  Will make multiple tabs for this, to include multiple drafts of the script, pre-production, shoot, post, festival entries, etc.

8)  Update website bio.  This has been a long time coming.  A last update was completed almost two years ago, so it's time.  I mean, there have been some fun career milestones over the past two years, so...

9) New headshots.  Also been a while for this... almost four years.  So this... this needs to happen in 2023.  One tab.

10) Island Hunters:  Another novel that has been in the works for a few years.  I believe I've got about 50k words on this already, so I think having a first draft by end of 2023, totally possible.  One tab.

11) Continue work on Scratcher.  Another novel which has been in the works for many years -- it's something of a monumental epic, so I don't anticipate completing even a first draft, but I'd like to touch upon it.  So let's say 10 chapters over the year?  Seems feasible.  10 tabs.

12) House Up the Street.  The short story collection I've been trying to complete for a couple of years -- writings from all the way back to age 10.  I'll try for another 10 tabs on this, which is 10 stories/tab.  That means 100 stories typed up and saved -- making some serious progress.

Since I've got so many scripts underway, and at various stages of development/completion, I'll not pick and choose which specific pieces I'll tackle/complete in 2023.  So "unknown feature script" will be the tasks/tabs.  There are also two possible script collaborations coming up in the new year, so if those happen, they'll count in this category.  And I do know I'd like to complete 3 total scripts in the new year (a heavy bit of pressure, but possible).

13) Unknown Feature Script #1:  Usual steps (5 drafts, protection, festival entries, table read, feedback, etc.).

14) Unknown Feature Script #2:  Usual steps (5 drafts, protection, festival entries, table read, feedback, etc.).

15) Unknown Feature Script #3:  Usual steps (5 drafts, protection, festival entries, table read, feedback, etc.).

16) Read 10 books.  While I can't seem to make this goal over the past few years, gonna give it another shot.  10 tabs.

17) KSC:  My screenplay consulting business.  I want to update the website, and then hope to have at least 3 paying gigs for the business.  4 tabs.

18) Three Acting Gigs:  Self-explanatory.  3 tabs.

19) Dental Updates/Insurance:  Self-explanatory.  2 tabs.

20) Top 100 Fave Movies:  Worked a bit on this last year, but would like to actually complete this updated list -- and then potentially video the results (10 entries per video).  So let's say, 11 tabs?  The list and 10 videos.

And that's it!  I mean, things (like hired writing gigs) and other random tasks show up each and every year.  So it's up to me to just go with the flow and accept that sometimes other items take priority and the intended list then inevitably suffers -- no biggie... as long as I keep on keepin' on, right?

So I'll see all of my avid readers of 0 in 52 weeks (or thereabouts) and we'll take a look at how 2023 fared as far as the workload listed above.

Happy New Year, everyone!  Stay safe, happy and productive!  :)

TCM: A Message of Farewell

 

Just two days ago, it was the 49th anniversary of the actual "date" which The Texas Chainsaw Massacre took place.  The day when Sally and Franklin and the gang, fell into the hands of the backwoods, cannibal family, and only one lived to tell the tale, or so the title card says...

So naturally, as is so frequently the case, I like to revisit beloved, classic films on special days (director birthdays, actor deathdays, film release dates, etc.).

And since my next door neighbor/buddy had never seen this legendary piece of cinematic history, I invited him over.  Me, him and my hubby on a Thursday afternoon, just after lunch.

All was going according to plan, and I was marveling (this time out) at some of the camerawork, some of the editing.  It's good stuff, notably that "under the swing" shot up to the porch of the house as we follow Pam in her short shorts.  And the editing of the Leatherface/Sally chase through the weeds -- impressive.

But when Sally is finally captured, and brought into the house for "the dinner scene" -- there was a shift.  Yes, the constant screaming from Sally (for good reason) is a lot to handle.  And yes, this was the precursor to "torture porn", before that was even a term.

Now.  I last watched the entire film a few years back.  I can't recall if it was around Hooper's death, or around Marilyn Burns' (Sally) death.  But I took it in.  And I found the dinner scene a little much to swallow.  It bothered me.  But I soldiered on and made my way to the (let's be frank) SPECTACULAR ending.

A couple of years back, I wrote an article for Tom Holland's Terror Time (here's the link) because I simply had to throw out there, that my sensitivities and sensibilities (when it comes to my long love affair with horror) have begun to shift.

I've never been a fan of torture porn, unless it's justified within the story.  And even then, I don't like it, but I'll tolerate it -- if the story finds it necessary.  Torture porn for torture porn's sake (I'm thinking Hostel) is not for me.

My five-plus years of reviewing films for the now-defunct Horror Freak News, threw a lot of films of this ilk, into my lap.  And I was hired to review them, so that's what I did.

And that was all fine and well.  One and done.  I'd never have to see them again.  But if I'm looking at the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre -- a film I've loved for decades now -- a film which, upon first viewing at around age 13 -- undeniably disturbed me.  But I was excited by it.  A sociopath in the making?  Nah.  Just a kid, wanting that rush of fright, no matter how it came to me.

But as I grow older (wiser?) these things just can't give me the same pleasure.  And horror has defined me for four decades.  This love of this genre -- that's me.  So imagine my absolute sadness (is that the right word?) when one of my all-time favorite films, has begun to turn me off.

Up until the dinner scene, I was good.  Having a good time, again -- enjoying Hooper's mastery of the craft.  But then it all turned grotesque and unsettling.  Why would I want to sit through this?

My husband called it off first, saying he couldn't put up with this sequence, eventually even turning off the show.  In the other room, when he'd called it quits, there was no shutting off the shrieks and screams of Ms. Sally Hardesty.  There was no escape.

And rather than kick and scream and yell at him -- how DARE he cut off one of my favorite flicks, when a newbie was being indoctrinated at this very moment -- I was happy for the reprieve.

I mean, what?  What in the name of all that's holy, is/was going on here?

We didn't finish, even though I appreciate the final moments of the trucker, the hitchhiker's grisly demise and Sally's eventual escape (from Leatherface and from her sanity).

And I was okay with this.  And in that moment, I was angry (not at my husband) but that apparently, a particular era in my movie-watching life, had just come to a close.  Despite the sadness and yes, confusion about what had just happened, I knew that this would be the very last time I would ever see this film.

However I'd matured and/or changed over the last four decades, now offered a pretty firm stance that I could no longer put myself through this film.  

So I take to the keyboard on my (now) barely-used blog, and throw it all out there.  Do I call myself a wimp?  Do I call myself a snowflake?  Do I chalk this all up to the chaos of the world over the past several years, making me extra sensitive to everything, even those things familiar to me?  I just don't know.

But realizing that this recent visit with Sally, Leatherface and yes, even annoying Franklin -- would be my last -- fills me with great sadness, regret and -- loss, I suppose.

It is what it is.  Can a movie make my fragile state of mind even more fragile?  Apparently so.  And the question is, why would I allow that?  Why would I bring that experience back into my eyeline and into my brain pan -- again and again?

Answer is... I won't.

Thank you for the memories Mr. Hooper.  The scares.  The awe.  The undeniable artistry.  The chaos and the introduction to how powerful my beloved horror genre can be.

But I'm calling it quits.  This is a message of farewell...

2022 To-Do List Extravaganza!

Another year.  Another hard look at what I planned for the year -- and another hard look at what I actually accomplished in the year.

As is the norm, I'll look at last year's list, discuss what did (and didn't) get completed, and then an adt'l section of what other projects found work and/or completion, but which were NOT part of the initial to-do list.

And then -- it's onto the big list for the coming year.  What do I expect/hope to get done in 2022!

So, here goes:  Last year's list:

 1) Finish Bear. Putting all of this in one number.  This will include the usual multiple drafts, reading prep, reading, protection w/ the WGA, reader's notes and festival entries.  I think I've got about 30 pages done on this, so a solid start!

How did it go?  Not so much as a looky-loo on this project.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  A big ol' FAIL on this baby!  Sigh.  Plans to try to get some work (completion?) in on this script in the new year.

2) Finish A Stench in the Nostrils of God.  Same thing here: multiple drafts, notes, protection, reading, festival entries, etc.

How did it go?  While I did actually do a good deal of work on this, I was unable to even get a 1st draft of the script completed.  Thus, "done" doesn't apply here.  No drafts, no festivals, etc.  FAIL.  However, I do have this on my plate for the last days in the year, hoping to at least get that first draft thrown into the "done" pile.  I mean, I have about 106 pages done on the thing, so it's gotta be close, right?  Definitely will find completion in the new year!

3) Finish a first draft of Island Hunters.  I don't expect to get beyond that point, but a first draft of a novel would be a massive writing milestone.  I think it's totally do-able over the next 52 weeks!

How did it go?  Nope.  While I didn't make any headway (did I even open this file?), I did start work on a different novel this year (more on that below).  FAIL.

4) Finish a first draft of Say Uncle!  I like this idea, but with all of the other major projects, I figure this will take a back-seat at some point.  So if I can at least finish a first draft, that's a great start!

How did it go?  Nothing.  Nada.  No work here.  Not sure if this will end up being one of those fun ideas which never sees the light of day.  FAIL.

5) Finish ESP.  If Scott and I can get our schedules aligned, I want to put this one to bed.  It's a great idea, but we've gotta commit to push ahead.  So this is multiple drafts, reading/notes, etc.  Not sure of festival entries, so I'll just put up tabs for five of those!

How did it go?  While this is nowhere near completion, there was some work on this piece, and it's blossomed from a feature script idea, to a series script idea.  I hope to see some more development/work on this in 2022, but with so little done this year, not sure if this one will be shelved for a bit.  FAIL.

6) Immolation.  Pre-production, shoot, post-production and potential festival entries on this short film I wrote.  I'll be directing/starring/producing.  Make it work!

How did it go?  While the film is now officially in post-production, it's not "done" per se.  But all of the planning, the shooting and (already) three cuts of the film itself are done -- I didn't quite reach this milestone, as far as finishing and submitting.  So technically a FAIL, I'm counting this as a WIN!  Will definitely see a lot of work (and completion) on this in the new year!  :)

7) Finish / Post-Production on Chair.  Since this was shot in the summer of 2020, and I've taken my sweet time to edit, etc. in post, this carries over to 2021!  Potential festival entries?  Depends on the finished quality, of course!

How did it go?  Nothing.  Sigh.  I am not sure how I will move forward with this project, but 2021 saw nothing moving ahead.  While this is a FAIL, I still will see how this could find completion.

8) Finish first draft of Scratcher.  This has been and will continue to be a daunting task.  With no work done on this in 2020, asking a lot to make this big milestone, but you never know!

How did it go?  Nothing done on this.  Again, plenty of work on a new novel idea, which took time away from this unfinished one.  This might take a backseat in the new year as well, as the new novel seems to be the most reasonable to finish in 2022.  FAIL.

9) Unexpected Screenplay.  As I've been doing over the past few years, setting aside a non-descript "unexpected screenplay", since ideas come out of nowhere, and can't be foreseen at press.  So the usual drafts. reading, protection, festivals, etc.

How did it go?  Yay!  I got one!  My hubby and I moved down the hall in our same building, in the first half of the new year.  And we ended up meeting and connecting with some awesome folks on the other side of the building (even after having lived on the same floor for years).  My new buddy (and writing partner) and I teamed up and wrote a new feature script entitled, Mariposa County.  We've finished it, had a table read and now there are rumblings that it may move ahead into production in the new year.  Yay!  On top of all of this, it's quite a departure from my usual horror fare.  It's a small town trans female romance.  Who'd-a-thunk it?  More on this as 2022 begins, but for now -- DONE!

10) Boys.  I will continue to submit this piece to festivals, and will begin work in a "soft" pre-production... shot lists and the like.  I'll fill out this list as I make up this year's tabs.  Lots of things that can be done on this project, before we "for real" move ahead to make it!  Multiple tabs.

How did it go?  While I didn't actually begin work on any shot list or other pre-production stuff, I did submit to several more festivals, did quite well -- the tops being a Top Five Finalist at Screamfest -- and have gotten some inquiries from filmmakers to read it.  So I'm gonna count this as a DONE.  I expect more on this script (as far as getting it ready to make!) in 2022.

11) Finish Hired Gig #1.  This is the script I mentioned above (a hired gig which came to me in the second half of 2020).  Plan to complete this with intentions to submit to production companies for consideration.  Multiple tabs.

How did it go?  DONE.  I completed my contract, the film was shot in August and is now in post-production.  I've no details (not that I could share anyway), but stay tuned in the new year for announcements on this.  Very exciting!  :)

12) Finish You Can Never Go Home.  This will be the usual multiple drafts, reading, protection, etc.  Won't plan to submit this to festivals, as the intent is to produce it with Hank and Arielle.  Multiple tabs.

How did it go?  Nothing done on this.  FAIL.

13) Finish the Hired Piece #2.  Plans to complete this other hired gig.  To keep it purposely vague, will put this down for 4 total steps/tabs.  Four tabs.

How did it go?  Nothing happened on this piece.  Awaiting further instructions.  FAIL.

14) Three Acting Gigs.  As in previous years, will hope to have a few acting gigs fall into my lap.  Goodness knows I'm not seeking them out via auditions!  Three tabs.

How did it go?  Not too shabby, but not quite up to 3 acting gigs.  Did some VO work for a friend's new feature and was cast (with only six days before production began) on another friend's feature film... IN THE LEAD ROLE.  No biggie!  An immense challenge, but ultimately very rewarding.  Blood Covered Chocolate should be released in the new year.  So with some great happenings in the acting world, but only two of the three "wanted" above, this has to be marked as a FAIL.  

15) Three KSC Gigs.  Hoping to again drum up some business for my screenplay consulting business.  Will work toward three paid gigs on that front!  Three tabs.

How did it go?  Only one good consultation landed in my lap.  So while that's been fun (and is still in the works), this is a FAIL.

16) COVID Vaccine.  Not work related, but gonna put this on the list!  A wonderful milestone, right?  One tab.

How did it go?  Well, with two shots and a booster for a third -- this is DONE.

17) Read 12 Books.  Gonna shoot for this again, since it's only 1 book/month for goodness sakes.  Hoping to really focus on Stephen King and filling in those gaps!  Twelve tabs.

How did it go?  Terribly.  A big, giant pile of FAIL.  Not sure what the block was this year, but I didn't read ONE BOOK.  Started one and couldn't even finish that.  Weird.  Hoping to get back on this horse in the new year!

18) Mom Died.  I'm not sure how/where this will go in 2021, but gonna put 3 tabs up on the board, as "Step One", etc... keeping it vague.  I figure there will be work on this in the new year, but not sure on specifics.  Three tabs.

How did it go?  FAIL.  Nothing happened on this script.  Holding hope that someone will pick it up, but for now -- archiving this baby.  :)

19) First Draft of The House Up the Street.  This is a big ask of myself, but putting together and self-publishing a collection of my short stories (from age 10 and up) is a long-standing dream I'd like to accomplish.  No time like the present, right?  And I've found a website where doing this in chunks is possible, making it more feasible to handle a few stories a day.  Multiple tabs - making it 10 tabs of 10 stories each.  One helluva start if I can get 100 pieces committed to the computer!

How did it go?  This is a toughy to properly classify.  While I did take all of the tabs down, thus having typed in 100 stories, there is no first draft of the book as a whole.  So I'll play this as a DONE/FAIL hybrid.  Hopefully more on this in 2022.

20) First Draft of ULIFTB.  A book idea I've had for some time, I reached out to a dear friend and writing colleague to potentially work on it with me.  She agreed, so we're gonna move ahead on it in 2021!

How did it go?  Didn't do anything on this book idea.  HOWEVER, I did team up w/ my long-time pal and fellow writer, Libby -- to create a feature screenplay w/ this concept at its core.  We've had some great brainstorming sessions throughout 2021, and plenty of solid ideas, but no draft was completed.  Definitely hitting on this in 2022.  FAIL.

ADDITION AFTER INITIAL POSTING:  21) Record Video Pitches.  I recorded several video pitches in 2020, for my spec scripts, and so I will continue to mark those off of my list, including some expected completed scripts in 2021.  So that's 6 total in the new year (4 completed scripts and 2 new ones!) So 6 tabs for this group of tasks.

How did it go?  Got several more done, but not all of them.  Plan to finish these in 2022.  So I'll label this as another DONE/FAIL hybrid.

ADDITION AFTER INITIAL POSTING: 22) Video Profile Shoot.  I joined ISA (an online screenwriting community) and will be shooting/posting a video profile in the new year as well.  One tab for that!

How did it go?  FAIL.  Didn't get this done.  But look for it in 2022!

And there you have it.  The list.  That's 16 FAILS, 2 DONE/FAILS and if my math is correct, 4 thrown into the DONE pile.  Sheesh.

However, also done this year -- almost 40k works have been written on my new novel idea, currently titled "What the House Saw".

Also, my hubby and I moved in the end of April, completely painting our new apartment, decorating, and doing all of the things which happen in any move.  May sound like something of an "excuse", but it's legit, so that took a good chunk of time in the late spring/early summer.

Also, not that I've done any work on them, but I've been tapped for two potential feature scripts -- perhaps more of that in the new year.  Fingers crossed!

And with this wrap-up (not a great one, mind you), it's time to look forward to 2022, and figure out what in the heck I'm gonna work on and hopefully complete!  Here we go!

TO-DO LIST EXTRAVAGANZA for 2022!

1) A Stench in the Nostrils of God:  Feature screenplay.  1st-5th (approximately that many) drafts, reader's notes, table reading, contest entries, etc.  So let's say about 15 tabs or so.

2) Unexpected Feature Screenplay:  As is now the norm, I'll plan for some random script idea to pop up and take priority over everything else.  So the usual here -- multiple drafts, festivals (maybe) and reading/readers.  Looking at about 15 tabs.

3) Finish Immolation:  complete post (cuts/coloring/score, etc.) and then it's off to festivals.  So this should be about 15 tabs -- give or take.

4) First draft of "What the House Saw":  If I can get beyond a first draft of my first novel, great -- but bottom line, that first pass will be complete by year's end.  No question!

5) ULIFTB completed:  My feature script with Libby -- to be done by year's end.  Usual multiple steps, drafts/reading/readers, etc.  So figure about 15 tabs for the board.

6) Three Acting Gigs:  Holding out hope for other fun things to cross my path.  Three tabs.

7) Three KSC Gigs:  Always looking for and hoping for adt'l business to come my way in the new year.  Three tabs.

8) Bear completed:  Looking to get this one done in 2022 as well.  Usual tabs, drafts/reading/readers, etc.  15 tabs (approximately)

9) House up the Street first draft:  It's do-able, but gotta really hunker down to make it happen.  Gonna do what I did last year, put up tabs for 10-story increments... but instead of 100 stories, gonna shoot for 150 (so 15 tabs).  That should bring me pretty darned close to having everything typed in and ready to edit!  :)

10) Read 10 books:  Since I failed so miserably at being a well-read individual this year, gonna bring it back down to 10, rather than 12 books.  Will that make a difference?  Who the heck knows!  10 tabs.

11) New headshots:  It's been a good long while since I've had new shots, so putting this on the list for 2022.

12) New glasses/prescription:  Okay, so not work-related, but a must.  My glasses/lenses are at least 100 years old!

13) Dental Update:  Haven't been to the dentist in a good long while (embarrassingly long time ago!), so putting this on the list.  Again, not work related (unless I'm looking at better/healthier teeth for acting gigs, right?)

14) Diabetes Control:  Another non-work item for the list, but it will require work.  I was diagnosed w/ diabetes over a decade ago, and it's been off and on, well-controlled and not so well-controlled.  This coming year, I control it for good.  No more games.  I've been exercising daily for 3.5 years and that's now part of my daily DNA, but my diet has always been terrible.  Time to change that.  I ain't getting any younger.

15) Top 100 Fave Movies:  About 8 years ago, I made my Top 40 All Time Fave Movie list.  It's time to reevaluate, and expand.  I plan to rank my top 100 favorite films, using my already existing top 40 list as a starting point.  I then want to record the announcements/countdown for my YouTube page, 10 episodes w/ 10 reveals per episode.  So this will end up being a dozen or so tabs for the board.

16) Feature Script Synopses:  This is something I've realized over the last year, that I desperately need.  So with 14 completed feature scripts under my belt, I need to get some brief synopses (1k words approx.) completed, for things like the ISA site (which most "gigs" require, before you can submit).  So this is 14 tabs -- or perhaps more, once these other scripts on the list are completed!

17) Mariposa County:  This script I co-wrote and completed in 2021 -- as mentioned above, may move into production in 2022.  I've no idea how I'll be involved, but going to make 5 tabs (that feels right) for things I'll accomplish w/ this piece in the new year.  "Vague Mariposa Step #1" and so on...

18) ESP:  I'm gonna throw this back into the pile.  Fingers crossed that something will come to fruition here.  Since Scott (partner on this one) and I have begun to outline an 8-episode arc, I will put up tabs for the completed ESP pilot, and then 7 fleshed-out episode bibles for the remaining portions of the season.  So with those, obviously 8 tabs, but with multiple drafts for the pilot, let's say -- 15 tabs?

19 / 20) Hired Writing Gig #1 and Hired Writing Gig #2:  Two potential hired writing gigs (mentioned above) made themselves known to me this year, but nothing has been set in stone.  So, I'll put up a few "Vague Hired Gig Step #1" tabs -- and so on, just to accommodate these possible projects in 2022, and if those don't happen, them I'm set up for others which might present themselves!  Positivity reigns supreme!

21) Complete Video Pitches:  I've so enjoyed doing these, I will finish up scripts already done, and plan to record pitches for any new scripts in 2022.  Also, my ISA video pitch (pitching myself).  So 10 or so tabs here?

22) Passport renewed:  Self-explanatory!

And there you have it!  My big list for the coming year!  Hopefully all of these tasks/projects will be completed as scheduled, and hopefully many more unforeseen things will be thrown into the "done" pile too!

Happy (almost) 2022, my avid readers of 0!  ;)

Novelist: The 18-Month Plan

 

Chalk it up to the mental fallout from the pandemic.  Chalk it up to my own, ongoing anxiety.  Chalk it up to my mother's recent death.  Chalk it up to burnout.  Hell, chalk it up to a good old-fashioned mid-life crisis.

The point is -- I'm going to start phasing out screenwriting.

Now, for the 0 people reading this (not demeaning actual readers, only pointing out that generally there are 0 folks reading my rantings), there's no need to get your panties in a bunch or wonder what on God's green earth is happening right now.

I'll continue to pen screenplays -- for paid gigs, if such things continue to present themselves.

But as far as working on my own scripts -- the ones I write for sheer pleasure because they need to be extracted from my brain (for my own sanity), and then spend oodles of cash and effort and networking to get them in front of festivals and script competitions and producers and eyes/ears -- not so much.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy them, still do -- but I'm burned out on someone else having a say in what works and what doesn't work.  What's commercial?  What's appropriate?  On and on.

That's how this business is, and I've known that -- so that hasn't changed.

I have.

I'm at a point that I know how to defer to producers and the money men/women, and takes notes as needed, make changes as requested and understand how budget must be a consideration and what will play if it needs to be made more palatable for a general audience.  I've got a firm grasp on that.

What I can't defer to, is people who question my proven ability to tell a story -- organically and with depth and underlying themes, with characters who live and breathe.

Despite my struggles (since birth) of self-doubt and self-sabotage, I'm a damned good writer.  And that's the honest-to-God truth.

And while I don't deny that I've had some successes in the film industry (writing-wise) I'm not where I think I should be.  I'm turning 47 next month and while there shouldn't be an "expiration date" on success, I can't help but have that sense -- me personally.

Am I doing something wrong?  Is this all on me?  Perhaps, but after this many years pushing toward these goals -- to win awards, to be sold, to be produced, to be recognized within the industry -- there comes a point where a shift in priorities and a movement of energy to other endeavors, needs to take place.

I feel as though that time -- regardless of perceived forward motion (not as fast as I'd like -- I'm not getting any younger) hasn't been as fruitful.  Again, not complaining about all of the friendships and connections and joy I've found in screenwriting over the past 16 or so years, but it's not "ringing my bell" if you know what I mean -- this "push to success" -- even though we all ask, "What the hell does that exactly mean?"

So I've been working on two separate novels over the past five years or so (perhaps longer, I don't know without looking it all up), and have begun a third (which I believe will end up being my first completed novel).

I'm enjoying that freedom.  Both within the writing (no screenplay formatting or structure or length considerations) and also in the knowledge, that if I intend to self publish (which I do), the only person I'll have to answer to, would be a trusted editor -- not bottom line money folks.  I'll write whatever the hell I want to, thank you very much.

I've got 13 completed feature scripts -- scripts I've written for myself, not for others.  And I'd love to set aside screenwriting (again, not completely and not permanently) after I have written/completed 20 feature scripts (for myself).

That would include the 4 scripts which are already in the process of being written, or well into development (two of which are partnerships).

I intend to continue working on the novel (s) over the next 18 months, but to focus on getting up to that magic milestone of 20 feature length scripts (and all supporting materials -- treatment, pitch, artwork, etc.).  

I think with that massive catalog (I think it's massive) I can fully embrace some sort of career detour, and focus on prose for the most part, knowing I've truly made a "go" of it.

I also intend to begin the process of transitioning into more of a filmmaker, rather than a screenwriter.  I'll have the product to choose from, so in addition to working on the novels, I'll start figuring out how to produce my own product for the screen (again, avoiding the nonsense insights of folks who can't tell a good character from a pile of shit on the ground).

This is all quite daunting, but also intriguing that -- after 16 years of writing screenplays -- I've decided it's time to try out some other things to fill my time and prime my creative juices.

I mean -- bottom line, I've gotta write -- that's who I am.

So you've read it here first, friends (all 0 of you reading this -- again, no offense): January of 2023, I'm putting screenwriting on the backburner.

I'm going to become a novelist.  Neat.

Processing Grief Through the Lens of Estrangement

 It should come as no surprise that I'd take pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) to handle grief through some form of writing, or journaling in this case.

Found out that my mother died in her sleep last night.

She had been in a nursing home for some years, unhealthy both physically and psychologically.  I saw a steady decline in her (in every way) following the death of her mother in 1994 -- something she clearly never healed from.  And then the death of my stepfather in 2007 -- another sad milestone from which she never recovered. 

I don't know the statistics, but it feels as though someone of my age (46 -- turning 47 in a few months) shouldn't have this many notable losses within family.  I've lost two beloved uncles (father figures), my biological father (whom I had little contact with past the age of 10), my stepfather (he was my father growing up), my maternal grandmother (a prominent fixture in my life until she died when I was only 20), and now -- my mother.  Is that a lot?  For such a relatively young age?  I don't know, but it sure feels like it.

I won't go into the details of why my mother and I were estranged.  Frankly, the idea of writing an autobiography has long been on my to-do list, where no doubt -- dirty laundry may sometime see the light of day.  It's my story to tell, and telling makes for better healing.

I completed a script called MOM DIED back in 2019, and the title might suggest the screenplay's main topic.  And it was indeed therapeutic for me, laying open old wounds and old beefs I (once upon a time) had with my mother -- all seen through the lens of a zombie film.  There were times while writing MOM DIED where I actually broke down, reliving some of the dysfunction of my younger years.

My interactions with my mother were limited over the past many years.  I last saw her in 2017, when the other half and I vacationed in the Black Hills.  She was in bad shape then, but still living in her own home.  It was clear from that time, although I was happy to see her, that our once-strong connection was simply no longer clear or bright or powerful.

I had a "come to Jesus" phone call with her a few years back, and despite her best efforts to sort of bridge that ever-expanding gap -- the connection was lost.

There was still the obligatory phone calls.  But the magic of our bond was missing.  

I won't go into specifics at this time.  There's no need to besmirch the woman -- she's been gone but a few hours.

I had a dream last night (not sure when, but the timing is more than coincidence).  It was an unrelated "acting performance drama/anxiety" dream, but it was powerful enough to wake me up.  And my heart was RACING.  I had to sorta bring myself down upon waking up, checking the pulse in my neck, taking some deep breaths...  eventually falling asleep again.

But this weird, overly dramatic dream -- could it have been at the same time as mom died?  Is that possible?

Which begs the question... perhaps our bond wasn't as tepid as I have believed all of these years.  

My last call with my mother was probably a month or so ago.  Our calls over the years have become more and more infrequent.  There's nothing to talk about really.  She was ill, so it was always a discussion of her medical conditions, and not much more.  She tried to feign interest in the workings of my life, but it was always so damned shallow.  That wasn't always the case, she was a pillar of support for my artistic achievements when I was younger, but as time went on -- it was clear that she really didn't care much -- at least that's my view of the situation.

The call was about the fact that she couldn't get ahold of my younger brother.  He's been the only one truly involved in her affairs, lo these many years.  She was worried, so she called me.  Not to see how I was doing, but to check on my brother.  The call ended with her finding out that said brother was on the other line, so she needed to jump off and take that call.  I told her "I love you", and the call ended with an "uh-huh" from her, then the call was over.

I've taken that "uh-huh" as a "let me get off the line to talk to your brother", but also a possible, "I know you've been questioning for a long time, if you actually believe that anymore."  

Probably a bit of both -- let's be honest.

So it's with a heavy heart that I say farewell to my mother.  She's not suffering anymore, and that gives me some relief.  I never thought that over these many years, that she had any decent quality of life.

And while mental and physical illness are sometimes out of one's control, many times they're not.  And so as her life went on, and I grew up and I more clearly understood some of the things from my childhood -- my sympathies began to wane, severely.

We have the power to make our lives better, and so if someone doesn't make that choice, I can't spare any positivity for that.

Again, not to downplay issues of depression or self doubt -- they're real and I know that -- but you can change.  You can try.  If you never did, then frankly, that's not my problem and not a burden I can take on.

Blunt, but true.

This is a meandering thought process, laid out in epic Klug "tell-all" fashion.

My mom's dead, and in any grief situation, there's plenty of weird tangents and off-shoots and processing of multiple emotions -- so I know I'm not alone in this. 

But each of us has our own perspective, our own beefs and our own lifetime of experiences to color how we handle the loss of a loved one, or a parent specifically.

My friend asked how I was doing.

My response?  Something along the lines of  "I'm not okay, but I am okay, if that makes any sense."

I'm not okay.  My mom's gone.  In her fragile health of the past many years, there was never a proper time to completely unburden myself or have a true heart to heart.  There were glimpses of my calling out things in the past, but it was never splayed out on the table to be dissected, discussed and addressed.

Kind of shitty when you think about it.

There will no doubt be plenty of additional things to unearth in light of her demise.

Just in the few hours since I learned of her death, I've felt relief, immense grief, resentment and who knows what else?  On top of that, I feel physically dizzy, at one point feeling like I was going to pass out.

The bottom line here is that I hope my mother has found some sort of peace.  I'm no longer much of a religious guy, so I don't know if there's anything beyond our mortal coil.  Whether mom is gonna see her long-gone beloved family members, or if she's just gone.  Whatever it is, she's released from her many demons.

And I hope that speaks for my siblings and myself as well.  We don't need to feel guilt or pity or anger over my mother any longer.

Hopefully, time will allow for us to reflect more keenly on the good times.

Despite what I'm writing here, yes -- there were good times.

Susan Patricia.

I love you.  I truly do.

And I'm happy to know that these were my final words to you.

Despite your rushed and unenthused "uh-huh" to complete that final interaction, I hope you know that -- despite the fact that these words may have sounded forced during so many exchanges over the past many years...

In fact -- these words were always and always will be -- true.

RIP, Mothra... finally.

Mind Over Matter: My Anxiety's Journey Through Blood Covered Chocolate

It's been quite a 3-week + journey since I received a call from my friend Susan.

I was offered the lead role in a feature film called Blood Covered Chocolate, produced by Susan and written/directed by her husband (also my good buddy), Monte Light.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

Except that the call came just one week prior to the film's intended start date for shooting.

Without going into the details of why this came up, suffice to say that the original actor chosen to do the film, had to drop out.

I had read the script a year ago, offered notes to Monte, and then participated in a Zoom reading around August 2020.  Weirdly enough, I was asked to step into the lead role last minute (for the reading), due to other circumstances (an omen of forthcoming events, perhaps?)

Once I confirmed with my hubby that he was good to go (since this quick turnaround would effect him as well), I accepted the part.  And thus this whirlwind trip to prepare and bring this character of "Massimo" to life began.

But with this, it was naturally time for my anxieties to ratchet up into full blown catastrophizing.

The reason I bring this up after the fact (spoiler alert, I made it!), is that I want/need to acknowledge this triumph over my worries and my anxieties.  Over the years, I've been open about how debilitating these things can be to me, keeping me from going out and simply enjoying life.  So it's something I constantly battle.

But now, here I am adding a monster project, with little time to prep, with stresses unique to this situation, and with its own brand of unknowns -- something my brain doesn't like.

Sigh.

I'll go through all of the many bouts of self-doubt (nice little rhyme there) as well as body worries and concerns over not being able to "bring it" to this role.

Again -- in an effort to pat myself on the back and say, "Fuck yeah, dude.  You did it!"

So day one, it was an immediate requirement to get COVID-tested.  So that was prepped for the next day (Monday).  So with that necessity already on the table (meaning I had to venture out into the unknown -- the test, the potential results, etc.), the worry began to build right away.

Then of course, I had to read the script (it'd been a while since my last exposure), memorizing lines, examining the character, finding the arc, marking my script, etc.  All of the things I would normally do to prep for a role.  And with that, there were several high emotion moments for the character... things you can't phone in.  So cue that worry -- "can I do it?"

And the thing is, Massimo is on EVERY SINGLE PAGE of the script.

So that's quite a stresser, right, even with time to prep!

Also of immediate concern:  Massimo would appear semi-naked, possibly nude.  And I would have a love scene with a woman.

Next worry:  I had gained some poundage over the holidays, so coming into March (and the shoot), I wasn't looking grotesque, but there was some stomach pudge to deal with.  Cue the body image issues.

I also have been breaking out on my chest, with a little bit of acne here and there.  And perhaps it's the diabetes, but my skin issues just don't heal as quickly as they once did.  I'd be appearing shirtless on camera, with zits on my chest. So why not worry about that?  I took on a more stringent moisturizing process each day leading up to the shoot, thus addressing the dryness factor at least.  And in the end, I don't think I looked terrible, but the final product will tell the details.  Lots of closeups, yo!

Then (all the while learning lines and prepping) I had to contend with the fact that there would be FOUR location shoot days -- two of which were a 3-hour drive to The Salton Sea area.

So what, you say --

Well -- one of the many issues I have, is what I've termed my "poo anxiety".  I've discussed it pretty openly, and have made it a priority in talks w/ my shrink.

Bottom line, I have a terrible fear of shitting myself -- to the point of having panic attacks if stuck in traffic, or if there is no escape or easy, quick access to a bathroom.  There is something of a claustrophobia aspect to this as well.  Have I ever actually crapped my pants as an adult?  No.  So why this fear?  You tell me.  Again, working through this with my shrink.

So armed with that fear -- which, when traveling to places unknown, is generally pretty damned heightened.  And, these remote desert locations are without bathrooms.  I'll happily piss in a corner of the desert, but what if the urge is to do a #2?

But poo anxiety isn't the only issue.

A few months ago, I realized that my ab/situp work in my daily exercise, was fucking with my bladder control.  There were a few dribbles of piddle here and there -- nothing monumental, but I nixed the ab work.  I even thought I might have kidney issues, so did bloodwork, revealing no problems.  So, it's a mind thing, then -- great.

Poo anxiety AND pee anxiety.  It's a great mix, and so joyful.

With all of that, there was the additional stress of knowing that the majority of the film (not the location shoots) would be done in Monte and Susan's one-bedroom apartment.  One bathroom -- which would sometimes be inaccessible as some scenes would be shot in said bathroom.  And shooting with strangers.  Obviously, everyone uses the bathroom, so there was no need to be worried about this.  I have a bladder the size of a pea, so I'm always peeing.  Never helps that when I'm nervous, I pee more.  Par for the course.

Thankfully, I made quick friends with the crew/cast and so my frequent "Do I have time to piddle?"s in between takes, was never an issue... well, because no one cares but me, right?  You gotta pee, then pee!

And again -- still worrying about learning lines and prepping the character.

Next worry: first day on set, the constant pressure of having to pee (even when I didn't have to) comes into play.  Knowing full well that it's in my head and that the stress is just tightening up my innards and providing the lovely sensation that I have to go -- makes no difference.

I also had to get shirtless on the first day.  Luckily, by the second day of the shoot, I was already well over my personal body-shaming (just too much work to be done).  When all is said and done, I will probably appear in my underwear/shirtless for a good majority of this film.

And while it was only a daily trip to the apartment of about 15 minutes, I had travel anxiety and what can only be seen as mild stage fright -- EVERY SINGLE MORNING.  There's seemingly no way to control it.

And since my call times were (many mornings) 7am, I would have to get up about 4am to stretch, do my morning routine -- which also includes multiple bowel movements.  Too much info?  Sure, but this is meant to be a no-holds-barred examination of what I've overcome in this process.

Adding in to this poo anxiety, I recently switched up my diabetes injections.  It's now a once a week deal, but side effects can include diarrhea.  Great.  And naturally, since this project came out of nowhere, I had begun said new injections, only days before I got the gig.  Sigh.  Another concern to contend with.

Next:  So on set, there are cats (Wally and Robby are awesome cats and I love them).  I am not allergic, but being in a strange environment, with dander, cat hair and simply different smells, dusts, etc. (certainly after a year of being ONLY in my own home), I had the concern of, "I hope I don't get over-the-top allergies, thus affecting my performance or breath control".  During the shoot, I was taking 2 allergy pills every morning.  And it seemed to do the trick.

But of course, any little scratch in my throat meant that the world was going to end, I'd have to shut down the production, let everyone down, etc.  And I also had frequent high emotion scenes, which could require some heavy lifting as far as my voice.  Much to the chagrin of my other half, I would do some solid vocal warmups each morning before heading to set.  Did all of this prep keep me from worrying?  Have you been reading?  Ha!

And then, with some very intimate moments with several of my co-stars -- there were "bad breath" concerns, body odor concerns.  The usual things one might worry about on a film set, but for me -- these are big deals and I simply must overblow their real power.  I mean, why not?

There was a scene written in the script, in which Massimo was to be submerged in a tub full of water.  Always wanting to be a team player, I was ready to do it (not nude, but in swim trunks).  But knowing full well how my body will break out with seemingly no impetus, I talked Monte out of having to do it.  So that was a disaster averted, but there was the guilt for having to ask.  Monte didn't really care, and the alternate chunk worked great.

I also deal with a bad back.  While I stretch every single day, there are things you can't be prepared for.  As I'm writing, my back is still sore from all of the work on the film.  Weird angles hanging off of the bed, some actual minor stunt work in the desert.  Kneeling, grabbing people -- doing all of these things over and over -- takes a toll, and certainly on an old man like me.  So there was a constant concern of "one weird move when your back is sore -- could derail all of this".  

By the second or third day, many of the anxieties began to fizzle.  I was in my underwear for so much of this process, there was just no room left to care.  The good thing is that seeing some of the playback each day, set my mind to rest.  I didn't look bad -- except for that ONE scene.  Sigh.

On top of all of this, COVID.  Everyone was tested, and the crew was always masked, but obviously cast was not.  And while I was fully vaccinated by the time that call came in (otherwise I would have had to say no to the project), this was still a worry, and a valid one.

It seems that when one anxiety would be overcome, something would immediately take its place.  There was never any reprieve from being on edge.  Perhaps that helped my performance.  Massimo IS on edge, a recovering addict and going to some very dark places in his psyche as he goes through this journey.

And even after all of the worries over the location travel, it was quite uneventful... thankfully.  On the first day in the desert, I only peed twice.  Point being, if I'm too involved in the work at hand, my mind has no time/room to worry about anything but the work... which confirms that this crap is indeed mental.

I was able to nail my lines for the entire script by the time the shoot began, prepping as much as I possibly could, had many conversation with Monte about Massimo.  So going in on day one, there wasn't much more I could have done to prepare, over that one week.  And despite that realization, did I still worry?  Ha ha ha.  Take a guess.

So circling back around to why I'm penning this blog -- all of those worries, concerns and anxieties were not able to beat me.  Massimo has a line in the film of "Mind over matter".  And I've taken that to heart.

It seems ridiculous to now worry about a simple trip to the grocery store (shitting my pants, having a panic attack), when I made it through the last-minute slalom course that was Blood Covered Chocolate.  I did my job, had no catastrophes and by God -- can chalk up this experience as not only an acting triumph (surprisingly, I feel I did quite well -- not beating myself up) but a great big "fuck you!" to my internal anxieties.  

I mean, I did it.  

The question is -- how do I bottle that triumph for future worries, to avoid panic attacks -- and to temper my ever-increasing hermit-dom?  (note:  I was diagnosed with mild agoraphobia).  

Time will tell, but for now:  Thanks Blood Covered Chocolate -- you've proven a good point.  

And to my anxiety?

You can go to hell, thank you very much.

You don't have me.

2021 To-Do List Extravaganza!

'tis the season once more.  And so, let me take a little breather and check up on my progress in 2020.  Does it matter that this was one of the weirdest, most stressful and oddball years of my lifetime?  I think not.  I've been running under the belief that this has been my most productive writing year EVER, but this recap will certainly tell the ultimate tale.

So let's get right into it, as we look at each of 2020's items on the "to-do list extravaganza", and how it all turned out!

1) Finish Rope-A-Dope: the feature script I've been working on with my friend Motown.  With a plan to call it "done" by the end of January, 2020, I can anticipate tabs for 2nd, 3rd and 4th drafts.  Currently, there are no plans for a reading or to submit to festivals/competitions. 

How did it go?  This is a big old DONE!  Motown and I continued to work on this, pre-pandemic/quarantine, and met up in person to finish up our final draft (only weeks before lockdown began).  We're keeping our eyes/ears peeled for potential interest on this piece.  So happy to add this completed script to my list of spec scripts.

2) Finish Trip:  Having begun another feature script of my own (Trip) late in 2019, I'll put this on 2020's list.  Tabs will include the usual multiple drafts, out to readers, reading/reading prep.

How did it go?  DONE!  I had a virtual reading, completed several drafts, including the all-important "final" draft.  This marks completion of my 12th feature spec script -- sometime in April of this year!

3) Trip to Festivals:  The usual tabs for these tasks.  And as is the norm, I'll plan to submit to at least 5 festivals/competitions.

How did it go?  DONE!  I've already been selected for 6 film festivals/competitions, with a few more to still hear from.  Trip also marks the most entries EVER for one of my scripts.  Throw enough s*** at the wall, something's gotta stick, right?

4) Complete 1st draft of SCRATCHER:  Considering I didn't make my 2019 goal of 40k words on this (my first novel), this goal could prove to be quite a monumental undertaking.  But, I've got a whole damned year to make it happen.  So on the list it goes!  This will require ONE tab on my board

How did it go?  FAIL.  I don't quite recall, but I don't believe I did ANY work on this.  So, hopefully, 2021 will see some serious work on this novel-in-the-works.

5) Complete ESP:  This is the feature script collaboration with my buddy Scott.  While we don't yet have a first draft, I've proposed to him that we have the script out to readers by the end of the first quarter in 2020.  Even if that doesn't come to fruition (it's a bold goal), as long as this piece is "done" by year's end, I'll be ecstatic.  Tabs will include the usual multiple drafts, out to readers, reading/reading prep, etc.  Unsure of festival/competitions for this piece, so will not place that on the list or in the tabs.

How did it go?  FAIL.  Not that this didn't see some good, productive work, but finding time to align schedules, proved to be a block to getting this one done.  Not even a first draft yet, I plan to make this a high priority in 2021.

6) Move Penelope's Site:  Putting this on the goal list again, as it needs to be completed.  Frankly, I believe this will end up being less work than anticipated... meaning, once it's done, I'll wonder why it took so long.  (see explanation from last year's list, above).  One tab needed for this.

How did it go?  FAIL.  I've realized that moving this over to give my friend Penelope total control, would require more work than just keeping it up for her, adding items, updating, etc. as needed.  So not a "fail" per se, just a better understanding of time management.

2020 tab board!  Empty pins equal completed tasks!

7) Passports Renewed:  It seems this next item on the list -- is a recurring one for years.  And seemingly one of the more simple ones to actually complete.  I need to get my passport renewed.  What are the chances of some international travel in 2020?  Who knows, but for heavens' sake, I need to be prepared, right?  So back on the list it goes.  One tab needed for this.

How did it go?  FAIL.  Obviously, any and all intended international travel was put on the back burner.  Can't imagine why.  We'll see if this might be an option in 2021!

8) 30k Words on ISLAND HUNTERS: Mentioned above, my second idea for a novel, tentatively titled "Island Hunters" saw an initial inspiration and some beginning work (a bit of writing and brainstorming) in 2019.  My hope is to have a completed first draft of the other novel idea in my head, so for Island Hunters, I'm going to shoot for 30k words written in 2020.  Do-able, but with so many other projects, we'll simply have to see how it goes.  One tab needed for this.

How did it go?  DONE!  I put a lot of work into this project, in the first half of the year.  While I surpassed the 30k words, I've not looked at this piece in at least 5 months.  Hoping to get a first draft of this novel-in-the-works in 2021!  It'll definitely be back on 2021's list! 

9) Read 12 Books:  Made my goal of 10 books read, in 2019.  So gonna up the ante and make it ONE book per MONTH.  How ever will I achieve this?  Tee hee.  Obviously 12 tabs on the board for this task.

How did it go?  Currently at 9 books read.  I mean, I still have 2.5 weeks left in the year to complete three more books.  Do-able, but will leave this unmarked at press (either Done or Fail).

10) Movie Franchise Screenings:  Since my "see every Oscar Best Picture winner, yet unseen" task failed so miserably in 2019, I figured I'd try something else, seemingly more prone to find completion by year's end.  I'm tasking myself to update my education in several well known movie franchises.  Many of these, I've seen a good chunk.  Some I've seen only one.  Bottom line, fill in the gaps on these series.  I'm going to put 10 different series on the board.  The goal is to revisit those I know or have seen, and move into all of the sequels/prequels, etc. which (til now) are foreign to me.  10 tabs, 10 franchises.  Franchises on the list:  The Terminator, The Matrix, Alien, Predator, James Bond (a frigging massive undertaking), Back to the Future, Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Pirates of the Caribbean, Rocky.

How did it go?  FAIL.  I just never made it.  You'd think that with all of the time in quarantine, that we'd have passed this with flying colors.  Of all of these, we revisited the original The Matrix, and never even got to the sequels.  This is a major fail.  Ugh.

11) First Draft of Screenwriter:  A brand new feature script idea, which came to me at the tail-end of the year.  I am hoping to get at least a first draft in on this baby.  One tab.

How did it go?  FAIL.  I barely even remember what this potential script was about.  Not one word, one minute spent on this piece.

12) Three Acting Gigs:  While I've not been pursuing much in the acting world as of late, I'll put this back up there, in the hopes that some fun opportunities will arise.  Three tabs for this goal.

How did it go?  DONE!  I shot two short films in quarantine, for other folks.  I also shot my short film Chair (it's in post) and did a few cold virtual readings and rehearsed virtual readings.  Happy to say I did quite a bit on the acting end during this year.

13) 5 Projects for KSC:  My script consulting business (Klugula Screenplay Consulting - as mentioned above), created in the first half of last year.  I'm going to get back into promoting it and will plan to complete at least 5 editing/consulting gigs within 2020.  Five tabs.

How did it go?  FAIL.  I did three total "test run" gigs for folks, but did not make the intended five goal.

14) Physical/Mental Health:  While not easy to quantify success, I believe if I continue in my current therapy, continue my daily exercise, and potentially introduce some smarter eating habits in 2020, that'd be a success.  I'm not getting any younger, and with "the diabeetus" ever-present in my life and my body, continued steps toward healthier living, can only benefit me.  Let's do it!

How did it go?  DONE!  I finished therapy with one therapist, and started chatting with a new one.  While my diet is still a never-ending battle, my exercise has continued.  I've also taken to (almost) daily meditations to try and keep my anxiety at bay.  While not "cured" by any means, I feel like I've taken adt'l steps to being physically and mentally healthier!

15) Complete Bear:  Inspired by an in-person visit with an old friend and former co-worker, this supernatural thriller (a feature screenplay idea) should be a hoot to tackle.  The usual tabs here: multiple drafts, register with WGA, reading/reading prep, out to readers, etc.

How did it go?  FAIL.  While this script saw some work in the first half of the year, I didn't even get to a completed first draft.  Back on the list for 2021!

16) Bear to Festivals:  As usual, plan for 5 festival/competition entries for Bear, so five tabs on the board.

How did it go?  FAIL.  Obviously, since the script was unfinished, no festival entries took place.

17) South Dakota Trip:  It's been discussed, that we'll return to my homeland for my eldest niece's high school graduation in the summer of 2020.  Hoping for another epic road-trip to SD (36 days), as we did in 2017.  Lots of planning to be done here (if the stars align for it to come to fruition).  One tab.

How did it go?  FAIL.  Um.  World-wide pandemic much?  No massive road trip, but what we had planned was a real barn-burner!  Next year, maybe?  Won't count those chickens before they've hatched.

18) Produce The Chair:  See notes above.  I don't think this will be such a massive undertaking, that it'll elude me for the second year in a row.  Many tabs for this one (pre-production, production, post, etc.), but putting it out into the universe to find completion.  And since I plan to act in this piece, that could be an adt'l tab off the board from the "Three Acting Gigs" task above!  Bonus!

How did it go?  DONE!  So, this is not technically completed, as I've done no work in post.  However, pre-production and actual shooting are done, and that's no small feat.  Which means, I'm gonna give myself a little leeway and chalk this up to success (despite post-production still looming -- that'll be on next year's list!)

19) Completed Unknown Screenplay: Since there were some write-for-hire screenwriting gigs in 2019, and since I always find other script ideas to pursue, I'll make this group of tasks as generic as possible.  I'm going to put in for five tabs -- for five drafts of ANY script (not already specifically listed above).  This could be one of my own, or one which I will (note "WILL") be hired to write in 2020.

How did it go?  DONE!  I conceived of and completed a feature script called Boys in 2020.  Inspired by something I "saw" in a daily meditation, I started this one in May and completed all steps in September.  It's already out to over a dozen script competitions/festivals, with 2 acceptances already!  Much, much more on this project in 2021!

20) Mom Died Rewrites/Steps:  While there is no promise that this project will move ahead in 2020, by placing this here, I'm telling the universe that I'm ready, willing and able to do adt'l work on this piece.  So I'll put "Mom Died Project #1" and so on on the tabs.  This could include rewrites, but any potential steps for this script, will warrant taking a tab down.  I'll do five total, and hope against hope that Mom Died moves up the ladder in the new year.

How did it go?  DONE!  I'm calling this one good.  I teamed up with Canadian filmmaker, Audrey Cummings and we're developing the piece for potential production.  With that, I've done three rewrites on the piece over 2020.  High hopes that this will move ahead in 2021!  Yay!

And so, here's the wrap-up for 2020:  10 DONES (if I make my 3 more books read in the next 2 weeks)!  That means 10 FAILS.  But that's not too shabby, considering how past years have added up!

And, as is the case in prior years, I simply must make note of my other accomplishments (which were not foreseen at press for last year's to-do list).

• Was hired to pen a feature script.  I've completed two drafts of that piece thus far and am awaiting producer's notes.  There will be more work on this in 2021.
• I was also hired for another feature piece.  Right now, working on a treatment with the producers, before moving into the writing of the script itself.  More work on this in 2021 as well!
• Began writing a new feature script called, "A Stench in the Nostrils of God".  At press, I've got about 70 pages on a first draft!
• Wrote a short 5-page film called Immolation, which I intend to self-produce/direct in 2021.
• Filmed several video pitches for some of my feature scripts.  Inspired by a "Virtual Pitch Challenge" at ISA, where my pitches for Boys and for Trip both landed finalist placement, I ended up doing pitches for other scripts, beyond the ones I entered.
• To relieve boredom for myself and others during quarantine, I created "Klugula Reads His Classics", where I took old writing pieces (from all the way back to age 10) and recorded 5-minute (or so) episodes, daily for 50 days!
• I joined my friends Joel and Ryan for multiple episodes of their long-running podcast, "The Movie Show with Joel & Ryan".
• Was interviewed for "Voyage LA", regarding my business, Klugula Screenplay Consulting.
• Made the decision to move ahead -- planning to produce/direct my script (mentioned above) Boys.  Very preliminary plans are already underway.
• Speaking w/ friends Hank and Arielle, we've decided to work on a new script together, for potential production in the latter part of 2021.  I've written about 10 pages on that piece, tentatively titled, You Can Never Go Home.
• Wrote a few articles/reviews for Tom Holland's Terror Time.  Still keeping that "film criticism" muscle toned up where I can!
• Started work on a new feature script (got about 10 pages down) called Say Uncle!

So with all of that (again, a pretty productive 2020, considering!), here's my "To-Do List Extravaganza" for 2021!

1) Finish Bear.  Putting all of this in one number.  This will include the usual multiple drafts, reading prep, reading, protection w/ the WGA, reader's notes and festival entries.  I think I've got about 30 pages done on this, so a solid start!

2) Finish A Stench in the Nostrils of God.  Same thing here: multiple drafts, notes, protection, reading, festival entries, etc.

3) Finish a first draft of Island Hunters.  I don't expect to get beyond that point, but a first draft of a novel would be a massive writing milestone.  I think it's totally do-able over the next 52 weeks!

4) Finish a first draft of Say Uncle!  I like this idea, but with all of the other major projects, I figure this will take a back-seat at some point.  So if I can at least finish a first draft, that's a great start!

5) Finish ESP.  If Scott and I can get our schedules aligned, I want to put this one to bed.  It's a great idea, but we've gotta commit to push ahead.  So this is multiple drafts, reading/notes, etc.  Not sure of festival entries, so I'll just put up tabs for five of those!

6) Immolation.  Pre-production, shoot, post-production and potential festival entries on this short film I wrote.  I'll be directing/starring/producing.  Make it work!

7) Finish / Post-Production on Chair.  Since this was shot in the summer of 2020, and I've taken my sweet time to edit, etc. in post, this carries over to 2021!  Potential festival entries?  Depends on the finished quality, of course!

8) Finish first draft of Scratcher.  This has been and will continue to be a daunting task.  With no work done on this in 2020, asking a lot to make this big milestone, but you never know!

9) Unexpected Screenplay.  As I've been doing over the past few years, setting aside a non-descript "unexpected screenplay", since ideas come out of nowhere, and can't be foreseen at press.  So the usual drafts. reading, protection, festivals, etc.

10) Boys.  I will continue to submit this piece to festivals, and will begin work in a "soft" pre-production... shot lists and the like.  I'll fill out this list as I make up this year's tabs.  Lots of things that can be done on this project, before we "for real" move ahead to make it!  Multiple tabs.

11) Finish Hired Gig #1.  This is the script I mentioned above (a hired gig which came to me in the second half of 2020).  Plan to complete this with intentions to submit to production companies for consideration.  Multiple tabs.

12) Finish You Can Never Go Home.  This will be the usual multiple drafts, reading, protection, etc.  Won't plan to submit this to festivals, as the intent is to produce it with Hank and Arielle.  Multiple tabs.

13) Finish the Hired Piece #2.  Plans to complete this other hired gig.  To keep it purposely vague, will put this down for 4 total steps/tabs.  Four tabs.

14) Three Acting Gigs.  As in previous years, will hope to have a few acting gigs fall into my lap.  Goodness knows I'm not seeking them out via auditions!  Three tabs.

15) Three KSC Gigs.  Hoping to again drum up some business for my screenplay consulting business.  Will work toward three paid gigs on that front!  Three tabs.

16) COVID Vaccine.  Not work related, but gonna put this on the list!  A wonderful milestone, right?  One tab.

17) Read 12 Books.  Gonna shoot for this again, since it's only 1 book/month for goodness sakes.  Hoping to really focus on Stephen King and filling in those gaps!  Twelve tabs.

18) Mom Died.  I'm not sure how/where this will go in 2021, but gonna put 3 tabs up on the board, as "Step One", etc... keeping it vague.  I figure there will be work on this in the new year, but not sure on specifics.  Three tabs.

19) First Draft of The House Up the Street.  This is a big ask of myself, but putting together and self-publishing a collection of my short stories (from age 10 and up) is a long-standing dream I'd like to accomplish.  No time like the present, right?  And I've found a website where doing this in chunks is possible, making it more feasible to handle a few stories a day.  Multiple tabs - making it 10 tabs of 10 stories each.  One helluva start if I can get 100 pieces committed to the computer!

20) First Draft of ULIFTB.  A book idea I've had for some time, I reached out to a dear friend and writing colleague to potentially work on it with me.  She agreed, so we're gonna move ahead on it in 2021!

ADDITION AFTER INITIAL POSTING:  21) Record Video Pitches.  I recorded several video pitches in 2020, for my spec scripts, and so I will continue to mark those off of my list, including some expected completed scripts in 2021.  So that's 6 total in the new year (4 completed scripts and 2 new ones!) So 6 tabs for this group of tasks.

ADDITION AFTER INITIAL POSTING: 22) Video Profile Shoot.  I joined ISA (an online screenwriting community) and will be shooting/posting a video profile in the new year as well.  One tab for that!

And that's the big list for 2020!  Not sure if I missed any biggies, or if I neglected to mention all of my 2020 accomplishments, but overall -- happy w/ this year and have very high hopes for a fresh start in 2021!

Happy Holidays, everyone!