Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Fifteen: Mark Patton vs. Robert Rusler

As I had surmised (I can foresee the future apparently), the last battle, Urbano Barberini of DEMONS vs. Jameson Parker of PRINCE OF DARKNESS, ended in a tie, which I will now cast my vote and break.  After much soul searching, staring out of rainy windows on the bus and asking strangers on the street for their advice, I've come down to it.  Based on his hairy chest and larger physique...I'm gonna go for Urbano.  Whew.  I am relieved.  To "the Barb", I say -- see you in the next round.  4 to 3 -- Urbano for the win.

This next battle (fifteen already!) takes us back again -- for one last time -- to a neighborhood in Springwood, situated in a nice part of town... but sadly, still on Elm Street.  This is "Freddy's Boys Part 3".  We're pulling hunks from the same film on this one.  Mark Patton and Robert Rusler of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE.  A deep breath and let's have at it, shall we?

It's never been a secret that the sequel to Craven's masterpiece was a bit on the "gay" side.  Although, I can't say that I picked up on all of that when I first saw the film at age 11 or so.  But, there was enough shirtlessness from our two boys to keep my interest, if alas the film didn't live up to my expectations of the original.  But in the recent past, the film has taken on a life of its own, garnering better reviews and a devout following for the film on its own, with much of the credit going to Mr. Patton himself, having embraced the life of "Jesse" and continuing the character's journey with his own work.  Jesse was sort of a sad kid.  His dad was a jackass, his teacher a jerk, his best friend wouldn't sleep with him.  Wait, too much?  Well, I always had a thing for both boys, and had they ever consummated their CLEAR mutual attraction, my pre-teen head may very well have exploded.  As it is however, we get S&M action and gay bar insight w/ their coach (and a naked Marshall Bell behind), not so subtle innuendo ("he wants to get inside of me") and at several points -- both boys half naked TOGETHER.  I'll take it!  On Patton's side, he's got a very cute Mark Hamill quality including a great head of dirty blonde hair (that's his single photo above).  At other points, he's clearly spreading the gel on thick, but I prefer it when his hair is left to its own devices.  We also get a nice shot of his bare ass when Rusler as "Grady" (he's the one to do it -- makes you think) depants Jesse on the baseball diamond.  And then there's the sexy dance he does alone in his room (the song an eventual cover by Cathy Dennis) before being discovered by his mother and "Lisa" (the lovely Kim Myers).  And like his male predecessor from the original (Johnny Depp), he's got some great 80s jeans to accentuate his package and tight ass in this scene.  And don't forget, as his room gets hotter and hotter, he spends more time in just his tighty-whities.  My final play for Patton doesn't come from the film per se.  The novelizations of the first three films (which I still own -- thank you very much) contained several black & white stills from the film.  The one I enjoyed, was Patton shirtless in the shower, having just killed Coach Snyder.  I remember spending lots of time staring at his perky nipple (the shower water must have been cold).  :)

And then there's Robert Rusler as "Grady".  His body's clearly more defined than Patton's.  And he's got a darker and more dangerous quality.  Rusler also holds a special place in my heart -- opposite another cute boy of the 80s, Robert Downey, Jr. -- as the douche-bags "Max" and "Ian" in the classic WEIRD SCIENCE (my #22 fave film of all time).  But as Grady, he's a pretty good guy -- doing what he can to help Jesse and Jesse's frazzled mind as Freddy takes over.  It's too bad he meets an untimely and gruesome end.  Perhaps if they would have just given in to their homoerotic desires, his life would have been spared.  I can imagine that Jesse's freedom and subsequent strength from admitting who he was, would have kicked Freddy's possession-quest right in the balls.  Sure, in the end, it's Lisa's love which saves Jesse, but we know they'll end up being "just friends".  But back to Rusler.  I remember watching those abs and heaving pecs as he screamed for his mother and Ferris Bueller's dad (did you know that?).  Don't think me unkind for finding pleasure in his death.  It's not really that.  I mean, I KNOW it wasn't real, so it was okay for me to focus on the sweat from his neck and armpits running down his torso, sliding down the middle of his six-pack.  Lord.  I mean, really?  What would this film be like in this day and age, with homos running wild all across today's movie and television screens? I am sure that Grady would have played a little with Jesse, gotten his ya-yas and then ended up breaking Jesse's heart -- getting married, spawning some children.  Jesse would move on, get a loving partner, but always have that lost opportunity in the back of his head, until his dying day.  Sigh.  Just sigh.

While all of the gayness of the film can still titillate, we'll never truly know (maybe in Patton's fiction) had things ended less tragically, if they would have eventually done the deed.  So we'll just have to use our imagination about those clumsy first fumblings -- in another time and destiny -- late one night in Grady's room.

I mean, Jesse's room is just too warm.  Am I right?

Besides, they'll create all of their own heat.

I'm going to cast my vote for Robert Rusler on this one.  Sadly, as mentioned above, these two horror hunks don't come as a package, thus allowing me to vote for them both.  It's Rusler's torso which puts him over the edge.

Who is your choice for this third and final "Freddy's Boys" battle?