Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Fourteen: Urbano Barberini vs. Jameson Parker

It should come as no surprise that Johnny Depp's name recognition helped him seal the deal on this last boner battle.  Although, we know that I also voted for him.  And that was based solely on how he made me feel as "Glen", what with his denim-encased package, and his "x marks the spot" happy trail with its promise of things to come.  Ahem.  With a total of 6 votes over Andras Jones' 2 votes, it's clear who the voters prefer.  Depp is the victor.

This next battle takes us back into relative name obscurity.  Neither of these hotties is a "household" name, but they've still got lengthy careers and their own time in the spotlight.  I'd be remiss if I didn't follow up that last statement with, "what else do they have that is lengthy?"

First up.  His name is pretty cool, so he's already got that on his side -- Urbano Barberini.  He plays "George" in the 80s classic, Lamberto Bava films DEMONS.  It's an exceptionally gory flick, full of nasty, plague-filled infected people, and among all of this very well done ickiness, we have our hunky hero.  At key points, "the Barb" (we'll call him that for short) gets to show off his biceps (his shirt is ripped off by one of the bloody demons), his blonde and appetizing armpit hair (as he raises his muscular arms above his head to thrash the skull of the oncoming hordes with a sword) and his exceptional motorcycle driving skills (he drives ON TOP of the theatre seats -- never mind that they are 3-4 foot gaps between the seat tops, as is the norm).  He's also got a strong jawline, dreamy blue eyes and the usual go-to for hotties in my world, blonde hair (to match those blonde pits).

I think it necessary to point out that his love interest is Natasha Hovey, whom I mentioned in the very first battle -- when describing how this competition came to be.  That's the two of them in the first picture, "the Barb" showing off his luscious arm (is there a glimpse of his pit hair?) and Natasha looking pained -- clearly nothing to do with the demons surrounding them, but more-so the fact that she could be sampling "the Barb" right now, if not for the dire situation.  Stupid demons and their stupid infection. The second photo is used to illustrate the afore-mentioned sword usage, but also the hairy and muscular forearm in the foreground.  Tasty.





And finally, since we never technically get a full on shirtless shot of "the Barb" in DEMONS, I'm including a shot from some futuristic film he did called GOR.  Check out that amazing chest of hair, those solid, almost man-boob pecs (I ain't talking about Meat Loaf in FIGHT CLUB kinda man-boob here), and a different kind of a sword.  He sure likes sword-play, am I right?  For your consideration, "the Barb".





Up against "the Barb", is someone you might find more recognizable.  Jameson Parker had a long stint on the TV show, Simon & Simon, but our focus will be on his turn as "Brian" in John Carpenter's fabulous PRINCE OF DARKNESS.  He's a really nice guy, courting Lisa Blount's "Catherine", just as things in their college courses take a turn for the worst.  If not for the plague and the many, many Alice Coopers surrounding the church where they find the Son of Satan, they might have had more time to make love, thus giving us more shirtlessness, and perhaps an eventual bare butt of Parker.  But that's not the direction Carpenter took for this picture -- which is weird, cuz his signature romantic comedies were clearly his strength.  We do get his porn-stache covered face throughout the whole picture.  He's handsome, blonde and that stache-only mug of his, serves to spotlight his clean shaven and rigid chin/jawline, certainly something I wouldn't mind kissing for a week or so -- a month or so.  Okay, the rest of my life.  And the moment which made it all so special for me as a teenager, the reveal of his toned and tasty torso.

Early in the picture, he walks out onto the porch of his LA home (he's a college guy -- maybe he needs a roommate), in jeans and an open shirt (shown here), showing off those amazing pecs and bite-able abs.





And in the end of the picture (this final photo), he ventures forth to the large mirror in his bedroom.  And let's face it, he certainly wasn't looking for the Prince of Darkness again, or checking up on that nasty bruise on his cheek (oh, it's healing very well), or even what we're supposed to believe -- that "Catherine" was calling out to him from somewhere on the other side, and he wanted so badly to answer and to have her in his arms again, that he was making the move to journey in to find her.  No.  No.  No. He was going to the mirror to examine and admire that fine-ass body and the afore-mentioned amazing pecs he had come to know and love since puberty.  I mean, let's get real here.  And while I usually enjoy some hairiness on my men, I would not turn this smooth and stream-lined hunk down.  Little 13 year old me would beat the ever-loving crap out of grown up me, if there were any delay in going for the gold if Mr. Parker were offering.  Jameson Parker, everyone!

These gents are both uber do-able, but I can only choose one.  So.  I'm going to do something a little different this battle.  I'm saving my vote for the end of voting.  Perhaps it'll be a tie-breaker, perhaps I'll vote w/ the masses.  Perhaps I'll be swayed by someone else's case.  At any rate, mine will not be the first vote on this boner battle.  So it's up to you all to get this one rolling!

Let's do it!

Oh, and I've yet to title this particular battle.  Since there is so much to do with infection and passing on the nasties of their particular movie monster, let's go with, "DON'T Avoid Like the Plague".  Tee hee.