Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Thirteen: Andras Jones vs. Johnny Depp

With a tie-breaking vote last minute, we have a winner in the most recent boner battle.  Lance Guest of JAWS: THE REVENGE was not able to tread water long enough to beat out sleazy "Uncle Frank" (Sean Chapman) of HELLRAISER.  The stinky and perverted (but sexy) Chapman as "Frank", the object of the Cenobites affections, is the clear winner.  Chapman takes 3 votes, and Guest ends up with 2.  Apparently, opposites DON'T attract.  (The title of the last bout was "Opposites Attract", but I don't see a clear way to make reference to that, so let's just move on).

We are back in Springwood, and more specifically, back on Elm Street for this lucky #13 battle.  From A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER, we're lathering up Andras Jones before he takes the ring (I'll take that job!)... and he's taking on none other than Johnny Depp, in his first film role as "Glen" in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.  And they're paired up in a battle I like to call, "Freddy's Boys Part 2".

Jones plays "Rick", boyfriend to "Kristen" (Tuesday Knight) and brother to the Dream Master herself, "Alice" (Lisa Wilcox).  He's a really great older brother, and a really loving, devoted boyfriend, even if he's not really buying all of Kristen's totally obvious BS about Freddy.  Right?  :)  I'll let you in on a little secret, Rick.  She's spent a good chunk of change in an asylum.  Hey man, just sayin'.  Buyer beware.  Now me!  Well, I've got no skeletons in the closet, no crippling neurotic episodes, and a past as clean as the day I was born.  Okay, not true.  I'm as cuckoo as ol' Kristen, but I will love you better than she can!  For real and for true!  I'll even put up with that gunk in your hair.  Relax.  Relax.  He's just a fictional character in a horror film.  You cannot date him.  But, there is the real dude behind Rick.  Andras Jones.  And he's a cutie, and he does Rick justice in his performance (including his best line, "It's avoid all contact day"... and basically every other line he delivers in that scene).  And hey, he may be a little bit skinny, and we never get to see him shirtless, but we do get him working out w/ the nunchucks, and we are generously given some shots of his hairy pits.  So there's that.  And back in the day, it was more than his looks that intrigued 14 year old me.  He was indeed a genuinely nice guy...and perhaps back in the day, I wasn't able to completely separate the actor from the character, so I just assumed that Andras and "Rick" are both stand up dudes... with smooth moves, fabulous 80s hair. styling threads and a good heart.  Back in the day, I just wanted him to be my boyfriend, you dig?

And now.  Here comes the name recognition.  I feel obliged to again remind you that we are going off of looks, nostalgia (at least on my part) and not the possible A-list standing some of our contestants currently enjoy.  That being said, I can make my case for Depp in this film, cuz he was uber-cute, and based on later kooky film roles, totally miscast as a "jock".  But he's a great actor, so he sells it anyway.  Depp's got a really cute face, and a hot little body (what was it w/ 80s jeans that men's packages were always just more prominently displayed?)  Anyway, Depp does so as well.  One of the early scenes, while out on Tina's lawn -- just before Rod shows up w/ his garden tool (hardy har har) -- we get a nummy shot of Glen holding hands w/ Nancy (Heather Langenkamp).  But did I notice this cute little teenage gesture of affection upon first viewing?  No, I did not.  All I saw was that tight denim accentuating his junk.  And not to play down Craven's horrifying classic, but I had priorities as a little closeted gay boy.  I mean, c'mon!  And then there's the scene represented by the photo to the left.  Happy trail.  Happy trail.  Happy trail.  Cute little Glen, in his short, eensy-weensy jersey, lifted up just enough to set tongues to wag-mode.  And while he's sitting there showing off the path to his (what must be) ample assets, he's being a wise-ass to his mom, about "Ms. Nude America".  Really?  Adorable, sporty and sarcastic?  I'm sure at the young age I first discovered this film (I was maybe 11?) I didn't appreciate ALL of these things, but the bottom line?  Even back then, something about Johnny Depp intrigued me.  Today, I don't find his  (generally) long-haired hipster look as appetizing, but in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, just before Glen got pulled into his bed/blender, I sure did like what I saw.  And finally, if Glen was at your beck and call, and kissing your neck -- trying for more and, AND! even crawling through your window in the middle of the night -- would you really be spouting out nonsense like, "We're here for Tina now, not ourselves."  Oh, HELL no.

This is another tough one for me, cuz I loved both characters, and both actors are adorable.  But, I'm gonna go ahead and give Depp the edge.  I purposely chose to pit these two against one another, since there is a similar look, and this doesn't make it easy.

Which of these "Freddy's Boys" are you gonna take home to keep you safe as you sleep?  Hmmm?