Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Twelve: Lance Guest vs. Sean Chapman

A bit premature (that's never happened before!).  No, no no!  Not our horror hunks, just my wrap-up of battle # 11, and my announcement of battle #12.  Since #11 was written at 3am, and since I've been late reporting on completed bouts before (it's all so very official here, my friends), we're just gonna let this one slide and soldier on into the next bout, if a bit early.

Not the worst voter turnout, and certainly not the best.  But it is apparent that Bruce Abbott has taken the title of victor in the "Dead is Better -- Toned Skinny Boys" battle for his "Dr. Dan" in RE-ANIMATOR.  Total of 2 votes for his competitor, Dale Midkiff of PET SEMATARY and 3 votes for Mr. Abbott.  You're one step closer to claiming the big prize Bruce, but don't sweat it.  Wait...keep the wife-beater on and sweat it, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, sweat it!

Boner battle # 12 is gonna be a weird one.  These two dudes are as opposite as opposite can be.  But wait, isn't there an old saying, "opposites attract"?  That's right, which means there could be some action between these two men, and I will have a front row seat.  And I ain't talking the battle kind of "action" here, folks.  Yowza!

So obviously we're calling this one "Opposites Attract"... cuz we're pitting innocent pretty boy Lance Guest of JAWS: THE REVENGE against perverted "Uncle Frank", Sean Chapman of HELLRAISER.  You know these films, you know what these guys look like, and you can now rest assured that I am not crazy.  They are indeed miles apart in their certain brand of sex appeal.  We're fiddling around w/ your expectations here in the competition, but when I make the case on behalf of these boys, you'll thank me for this wacky rigamarole of a pairing, or perhaps not.

Lance Guest.  You know him best as THE LAST STARFIGHTER, and while we may reference his adorable, innocent nerd who saves the world in that film, we're focusing on the older (and bearded) eldest son of Mrs. Brody (Lorraine Gary) in JAWS: THE REVENGE. The beard is indeed attractive and he wears it well, but his body type (he is still so tall and gangly), baby face and purty blue eyes, can't help him sell the idea that his character's got a 5 year old, is married and has a fantastic job in the Bahamas following years of school (he's a marine biologist, right?)  I get it hair and makeup people, we want him to look older, but you ain't foolin' anyone! But... in one of the scenes of the film, we get Lancey (he said I could call him that, we're buds) in his pajama bottoms with NO SHIRT.

And man, he's got a luscious forest of hair on that trim little body.  So despite his young kid look, he's ALL MAN (wouldn't I like to know that for real and true?)  The first photo is of him and his beautifully trimmed beard, gorgeous smile and again, those beautiful eyes, and the second is an almost-shot of his naked chest, so we get just a smidge of his hairy pecs.  Not enough to initiate all of my salivary glands, but it will have to do.  And a bit of trivia, Mr. Guest also appeared opposite Jamie Lee Curtis in another horror sequel, HALLOWEEN 2, but he's still just a little kid in that one, not the elder statesman he is in JAWS: THE REVENGE.  Tee hee.  Lance Guest, everyone!



Guest's battle opposite is "Uncle Frank", aka Sean Chapman of HELLRAISER.  He's everything a girl should avoid, and yet, when I saw him as a kid (I was probably 14 when I saw HELLRAISER), he stirred some serious libido-on-steroids reactions.  Sure, his character was despicable, physically dirty (and almost certainly stinky), unkempt and basically mentally ill, but he was NAKED ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN!  Looking back, I don't necessarily find him uber-hot now, but with my childhood reactions to his wild psycho-sexual experimentation and hairy, sweaty chest, he simply had to be included in these boner battles.

Now before you judge me, cuz he's a murderer, molester, seducer and all-around deviant, take a look at his scenes in the film (including the one depicted in the photo above -- "Have you got a towel?").  It's melt-worthy.  And before you judge me further, take a listen to his smoldering voice when he has no skin (admittedly, it's a different actor and Chapman did the voice-over for "skinless Frank"), but still, have to say, epidermis-missing, bloody Brit -- still equals hot.  And the fact that "Julia" will do "anything" for him, certainly helps to cement his sexy status.  Again, never mind that he's a criminal -- against every kind of law that could be quoted in a courthouse in London or a courthouse in the Universe.  Too much?  Well, I've made my point, at least.  Smoldering and sweaty.  This makes for the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

With this opposite nonsense, I've made it tough for you, but I also have to vote.  And it IS tough.  Boyishly handsome with the bluest eyes and manly beard, or the sultry, bedroom-eyes sexaholic with a penchance for violence ("Frank" cuts off "Julia's" bra with a switchblade -- squeee!)

I'm as surprised as you are, but I'm gonna have to cast my vote for Sean Chapman.

Who will you choose?  Vote now!