Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Eleven: Dale Midkiff vs. Bruce Abbott

It's about 3am or so.  I don't work in the coming 24 hours, so why not handle a task which requires my attention?  I'm talking about boners.  Boner battles.  Horror hunk boner battles.  You dig?

I'm about 2 days past due on this next hunky face-off, but first, we must confirm the winner of boner battle # TEN.

Adrian Pasdar vs. Stephen Shellen.  A pathetic voter turnout here.  Where is the love for these men, who have worked so hard to please you?  Eh?

Guilt aside, a win's a win.  So let's congratulate Stephen Shellen on his victory!  That finely-shaped ass, those sexy blue eyes and cut jawline have found him on top (of whom?).  One vote for Pasdar and two votes for Shellen!

To start up the second half of our prelim boner battles, we will be venturing forth into what I call "Dead Is Better -- Toned Skinny Boys".  Their bodies are fat free, with some nice sprigs of hairy goodness -- here and there.  They're not what I would consider "built", but that doesn't keep me from wanting to have my way with them... and those appetizing, yummy nummy, unshaven faces.  Mmmmm.  And both characters we're highlighting in this bout, make some really stupid choices when bringing back the dead.  Yes?  No?  Moral compass?  Will these dead things be flesh-eaters? If you boys need my advice, I guess it comes down to -- "Which choice will get me into your pants?"

First up:  He's the not-so-father-of-the-year, "Louis Creed" in PET SEMATARY; Dale Midkiff.  This dude's got some serious stubble going on, seemingly ALWAYS, which is how long I'd like to drift off to sleep in his skinny boy arms.  Don't get me wrong, he's got ab and pec lines I'd like to trace with my tongue, but he's not a buff guy.

I saw this film w/ a bunch of high school friends (creepily enough, we saw some kitty-cat road-kill on the drive home -- but I digress), and little old closeted me, just wanted to scream out --when Midkiff shows up in those wispy little pajama bottoms, showing off his manly hairy-ness, wandering around the woods -- about how I "wanted that.  I want all of that man.  I want to have him, not a girl mind you, but a MAN LIKE LOUIS CREED."  But, being in small town SD, and wanting to enjoy my future life (like I'm doing right now -- talking about boners and hairy chests and hunky horror heroes), I kept these proclamations to myself.  How difficult this was though, when Louis decides to bathe (shouldn't he have checked to see if crazy, undead Church was skulking around before he exposed his -- what I can lustily imagine is -- a sizeable manhood?  Protecting my interests here, folks)  And then in the end, he re-animates his dead wife.  For what purpose?  Love?  I guess.  Or for more perverse desires and the usual manly needs?  C'mon, Creed.  If you need some satisfaction, ditch the dead, eye-socket oozing chic and head on over to my hood for some lovin'.

And speaking of re-animation... Midkiff is up against some stiff competition when he competes opposite Bruce Abbott, aka "Dr. Dan" of RE-ANIMATOR.  In an early part of the film, he shows off his hot skinny boy body (why can I not find stills of this?) at the same time as horror heroine extraordinaire, Barbara Crampton shows off her body.  But, sadly, this is 80s horror, so we never see all of what he's offering, whereas Ms. Crampton eventually goes full monty.  She's hot and all (for a girl, wink wink), but not what a young, blossoming gay boy -- not yet free of the closet -- really truly wanted -- a little Bruce Abbott bare-assed.  :)  There's some nice five o'clock shadow happening on Abbott's face in this film as well.  And it's to be expected.  Up late studying for exams, pet cat troubles back home in the apartment, Arnold Schwarzenegger's body double trying to kill you?  Who has time for a good, clean shave?  And in the end of the film, Abbott has to (at least he tries to) save the day while sporting a heavy axe in a sweaty, bloody wife-beater, so we get some good flexed muscles as seen above.

The other photo I'm providing to make his case, is from places unknown (but clearly from the same era), so it's a bit of a cheat.  He just looked really good and his hair turned me on.  And I'll leave Abbott with this line from RE-ANIMATOR: "A good doctor knows when to quit."  Quit what?  I'll leave that up to your sick imaginations.  :)

Bit of trivia before we wrap this boner up (it loses all sensation when you do that!).  Midkiff appears in a small role in CASUAL SEX?, and Abbott shot scenes for that film, but didn't make it past the cutting room floor.  Our last boner battle winner, Stephen Shellen, is one of the leads in CASUAL SEX?  What does this mean?  Well clearly, for some serious 80s hunkage, you should check out CASUAL SEX?  On the DVD extras, you can find the cut Abbott scenes.

I am inclined to cast my vote for Abbott.  I think I'm having another of those, "he reminds me of someone I know who I really find hot but could never have and he will never know cuz it might be uncomfortable" moments, so I'm swayed to the Abbott side.

Cast your votes now!