Wishy-Washy-Wishy

I hate when I can't determine exactly what I'm feeling. Like right now. I know there's some confusion, some anger, some relief. It's all wrapped up in bunch of blah. I'm happy I have the semi-promise of a "job", even if it is temp-to-hire. I felt good today knowing that I'm using my brain again, and "giving" something back to society and not living off the public dough. Not that my acting "career" (how fricking long before I can take the quotes off of that word; I'm TIRED of it!) isn't giving something to the world, right? It's giving a hell of a lot. I know it is. Even if the audiences we've been having are on the verge of pathetic. I'm not talking about response; only size. You know what? Size does matter. It matters a great deal! I wish the Griffin's advertising/marketing was on the same level as their productions/writing/graciousness and fun factor. It's simply not. I feel like we've got a tremendous product and NO ONE is seeing it. It's been that way since I've been working for them. There shows are ALWAYS top notch. Am I just fed up, am I noticing it more? Am I becoming jaded. Who the fuck knows! I'm irritable right now. I'm confused about my job, cuz I don't know what is expected of me, and I sure don't know what the boss thinks of my performance so far. It's been only two days, I know that. I can't expect miracles that quickly. I'm also concerned about auditions. I have two agents now, but can't see how it's remotely possible to juggle an acting "career" (those damn quotes again!) and still have a frickin' day job that not only pays the bills, but also allows me to have fun in life and live the way I want to. Jesus, I feel like it's hopeless. I know I'm just really tired right now. Being thrown back into work after working 0 days for 6 months is hard. Don't believe me? Ah, to hell with it. I'm pooped.