Just Between You & Me

It is jealousy. It is. I see so many of my past and present contemporaries making a decent or even a basic living in the arts. I know it's the recent letdown of my script rejection that has brought this to light. Lately though, as I hear news of success stories or see friends on television, I am outright happy (and of course inwardly), but also on the inside, it brings up a big, slimy bucket from the bottom of the well...filled with self doubt. I'm 32 for Godsake, and I'm not making a living in what I want to be doing. I felt sure that my script would be a way in; finally. Of course, it's not over til the fat lady sings, and one contest doesn't mean the end of it all (forgive, I'm a bit down right now). I know all of this. Let me bask in my self-pity for a few moments. I'll be fine by the end of the day. Anyway, the question running through my head is what am I not doing right? What is it that keeps me from getting paying gigs? What keeps me from living without the drudgery of a day job I am not 100% happy with? Ugh. What makes me the most angry about this whole rejection (as unprofessional as my attitude currently is) is that I feel like it IS done, when it's not. There are other opportunities. I have to take them, and I will, but then why does right now, this very moment, feel so very "good-bye" to this journey? I hate how my mind works sometimes. But, we must learn to co-exist; random, ridiculous, irrational thoughts and all. I tell myself to be grown up, but I really am upset. I guess you can't just turn that off. Well, back to my day job work. Thanks for your time.