High Volume Wake-Up Call

Y'know...I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I am always thrilled to hear of the success of friends. Any of my theatre buddies who have made a name for themselves, or are making a living in the arts--acting, writing, producing...whatever. They're paying bills by working in a creative position. I am always proud of them, but without fail, it always comes w/ a bit (sometimes MORE than a bit--let's be honest) of jealousy. But even more than jealousy, there's the reminder that I'm still working a "day job", I've all but given up acting, I can't get a literary agent (or a break), I don't work hard enough for any of this anyway, and I don't write on a regular basis (thus how can I get ANYWHERE?). Sounds like a pity party, doesn't it? Well, I guess it is. I hate myself for feeling this way, and for wondering what it is that gives my friends the push, the drive, the WHATEVER that keeps them moving toward their dreams, surpassing them and ultimately being able to find new ones. I'm a shit. That's clear.

Tonight, I was going on-line (to waste time on Facebook, of course) and I saw that WORLD WAR Z was "trending" on Yahoo. Well, for those who don't know, this is a film that has apparently had some trouble getting off the ground. It's based on a book by Max Brooks (Mel's son), who previously wrote the incredible THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE (read it, it's a HOOT!), and Brad Pitt has been attached to star. So, out of curiosity for ANYTHING zombie-related, I clicked.

I found some news about how it may now be moving ahead, after all of the dark days of studio issues (and whatever else kept it from taking off), etc. Then I saw a name. This name was being tapped to star opposite Mr. Pitt.

MIRIELLE ENOS. Pronounced meer-ae...from what I recall.

It took me only a moment to realize how I knew this name, and after a couple of searches on GOOGLE, all was confirmed.

Many years ago (15 already!) I was in my senior year of college. I was working toward a Bachelor's Degree in Theatre (acting and directing). I won a nomination for The ACTF/Irene Ryan scholarship competition for my performance as Touchstone in As You Like It. I chose pieces from DEATH AND THE MAIDEN and PENGUIN BLUES. My scene partner was the wonderful Susan Beaver. We won the competition for Region 5 (8 states) against about 300 (I believe) other duos. We then went to Washington DC to compete against another 13 (I believe) other acting duos (some of which were grad students I might add). In the end, we didn't win, but were thrilled w/ the entire experience. It was held at the Kennedy Center. Which brings me back to Ms. Enos.

She was one of the two duos who won the big prize that evening. Frankly, I don't recall what her pieces were. I do recall that she was good. And I recall that she was from Brigham Young University (which is how I confirmed it was her).

So, there we are. We got there in a round-about way, but nonetheless, we got there.

Mirielle Enos. At the same level (well sort of) in career success as yours truly in 1996.

She's got a show on AMC, has appeared on Big Love, starred on-stage opposite Annette Bening, and now will be the wife of Brad Pitt in WORLD WAR Z.

I don't wish any ill-will on Ms. Enos, and I don't want it to come off that I'm a giant asshole (which I am).

What am I doing? Why can't I get my shit together? Why are all of my contemporaries passing me by? Pity party? Hell yes!

I'll answer many of these questions. I'm a lazy person. I'm unmotivated 85% of the time (that's a rough estimate). I've got the ideas. Lots of them. I'm sitting on about 5 (what I believe to be) very workable writing projects. Are they getting any face time? Nope. I've got a goal for one of my completed short scripts...I want to shoot it this year! Will I? Can I? Shit.

I wish I knew the secret of all of my successful friends. I wish I knew how to move ahead. I wish I knew how to stop torturing myself about my lack of success. I wish I knew how to appreciate what I HAVE done.

I wish I had the magic that Mirielle Enos has.

Boy, this is depressing.

**just adding this after the fact. I've had (lately) lots of moments of "do I just settle in to this retail gig I have? Forget about doing my creative projects? Leave behind the dreams I've always had? How long do I continue to kid myself? This isn't an all the time thing, and certainly there are days when I get into a project and really make some headway. Obviously, this is just the current mood. But that question hangs over my head most of the time. HOW LONG DO I CONTINUE TO KID MYSELF? It's truly depressing, and honestly, this is where friends should come in and support, but at the same time I want to just say..."this is a vent, and only a vent. If this were an actual CRY FOR HELP! you would know it", etc...and on and on.

What do I need to do in my professional life to make myself happy? Wow.