I'm a Screenwriter.

It's Friday afternoon.

A failed nap attempt behind me (too much coffee from Denny's earlier), I've decided to do some blogging.  Once long ago, it was a great way to let off steam.  But now, Facebook has taken this away.  Quick blurbs of my latest bowel movement (or whatever other mundane event may have taken place that day) keep me from actually WRITING something.  Blogging, scripts, whatever.

But there's something on my mind which needed to be said today.

This is the weekend of the 2012 Beverly Hills Film Festival.  For those not in the know (how could you not know, I've been touting my wares about this accomplishment for weeks/months), I was selected as a finalist in their screenwriting competition for this year's festival.  My script ME & SIMON BAKER was chosen, and so I am humbled.  162 finalists were on the list...up for three awards (at least that is how it is in past years).  Per my sources (that just sounds good--but in fact I blatantly--and probably tackily--asked one of the festival organizers), about 1000 entries were received for this year's competition.  This warms my heart a bit.

Ever the neurotic freakazoid that I am, I can't give myself credit...or just easily accept that this is a pretty monumental thing.  All of these ridiculous questions plague my mind.  Was it really 1000 entries?  What was my script chosen for?  What made it stand out?  Was there a mistake made?

Even for days after receiving the initial email that I was a finalist, I didn't quite believe it.  Until I received that second follow up email from the organization, it didn't become true.  Even STILL, there was some lingering doubt.

But, here we are, day three of the festival.  My name and my script title are up on the website.  I have attended the opening night events (at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences--no less).  I've made some new friends.  I've met some celebs (Kelly LeBrock aka "Lisa" of the 80's classic WEIRD SCIENCE).  I've seen some great films.  I've had my photo taken on the red carpet.  It's all a whirlwind of wackiness that my brain doesn't quite comprehend.  On top of this, my regular schedule is out of whack, since I've only sporadically worked @ the day job while this is all going on.  Suffice to say, I'm weirded out.

The real crazy thing of the event so far (we'll wait until Sunday night when the awards are announced and I'm chosen as a winner--fingers crossed) is being presented with my lanyard/festival pass on the opening night.

Not anything special in the way of design (although the festival's logo this year is pretty sweet).  Cloth for the piece around your neck, with "BEVERLY HILLS FILM FESTIVAL" printed all over it.  The actual pass attached to the ribbon portion is the big deal here.  It's not personalized or anything.  The logo is there.  The dates are there.  The website address is there.  Your everyday lanyard.

Other than that, it says simply..."SCREENWRITER".

It's taken these few days of the festival to make a startling realization.

I'm a screenwriter.  For real and for true.  I'm a screenwriter.

I know it seems dumb, and most would argue that it shouldn't take someone else's validation of you to know who or what you truly are.  But there is something about this little piece of plastic that has made a big impact on me...both as a person and as an artist.  Blah.  Even saying "artist" makes me feel oogy.  It's just so difficult for me to accept that I AM these things.  Is it that I don't want to sound hoity-toity (as my mother would say), or that I don't believe it?  Until therapy becomes a part of my regular schedule, I guess we'll never know.

But...I do feel that switch over in my brain.  I BELIEVE this now.  Whether I win or not, this was a turning point for me.  Certainly, it'll be a nice marketing tool for future projects...but more importantly, I can be what I am and despite the ever-present self-doubt...accept it.

Does any of this make sense?

I guess a better way to put it, is this:

I'm no longer wanting to "be a screenwriter when I grow up".  I'm there.  I have arrived.  It's a real thing.

I know I'll never get over this feeling of inadequacy which I've juggled all of my life.  Even over the past few weeks as the festival approached, I would discuss with the other half whether this was a big deal or not.

I'll put it out there.  It is.  I believe it is.

There.  Self loathing be damned!  I'm proud of this accomplishment.  I'm proud of my script.  I'm proud to say that this process excites me.  I'm proud to say that I'm a dork and that this whole experience is fantastic!  I refuse to be jaded about this!

You know what?

I'm a screenwriter.