Premature Ejaculation

I'm feeling saucy today...and once I explain why, you'll understand and why this blog's title is so "descriptive".

It appears as though my exodus from "the day job" was premature.  There are things in the works which will allow us to live comfortably and still allow me to not have this "day job"...on the horizon.  However, those wonderful possibilities have yet to come to fruition.  So in order to eat, keep a roof over our heads, etc., it will be necessary for me to return to the confines of a 9-5.  Clearly, the easiest thing for me to do, would be to return to my former job of 5 years.  While I search for other opportunities, I have informed my former bosses that I would be interested in a grand return.

How I come back is still up in the air.  And I don't mean w/ my tail between my legs (that's a given)...but do I return as a manager (as I was before) or as a full time salesperson (always been a thought, since it will require less interaction w/ some of the nasty customers).

I feel angry.  I feel ashamed.  I feel humiliated.  But I also feel grateful.  And productive.

Look, in the two months since I left the "day job", I've done an ASSLOAD of work on many different pieces.  I've also enjoyed having next to no schedule.  Basically, I'm looking at these last two months as a sabbatical.  And this may be a bit of rationalization on my part, but I was never completely UN-productive during the years I was also spending my time at "the day job".  Certainly, these last two months have seen a huge up-tick in my progress, and going to my writer's group and social events has been a wonderful time (not to mention EASY, since I had no other obligations).

But, after a day of widdling down our DVD collection by half to get some extra cash (and believe me, that's a fuckload of discs) and prepping them for a second life w/ an online service (they pay pretty handsomely) and mulling over and over and over the amount of resentment, anger and hostility coursing through my brain...I'm a better person today.

I realize it's a "do what you gotta do" situation here.  I've got it pretty easy, compared to so many others.  I get it...spare me the sermon.

And the strangest thing came over me yesterday, in the waning hours of the day--after I accepted what must be done.

I'm relieved.

It struck me pretty hard.  I'm relieved that I may be back on the money-earning train.  That I'll get my benefits back (including my diabetes prescriptions which are at the tippy-top end of their supply--before I'd have to pay the outrageous fees that any other non-insured person would have to).  I'm relieved that I will be on my feet all day again (5 pounds gained in just 2 months--I'm becoming a fatty).

And I realized this too.  I think I NEED this "social" outlet everyday.  I crave it.  Sure being alone w/ the other half everyday has it's advantages, but also its disadvantages.  Separate time is a good thing.

Let it be known, however, that I'd rather be spending our "apart" time @ a studio writing for some television show, or in my studio perfecting one of my epic screenplays...than serving entitled housewives.

But here we are.  Shame and humiliation (they're very prominent) aside, I'm not totally dreading this.

We'll see how this all plays out.

And no, this has never happened to me before.  :)