"Imagine...a nice girl like that, forgettin' her weddin' day..."

It's a quote from the Madonna classic, WHO'S THAT GIRL?

It doesn't necessarily apply to this entry's subject matter, but with the pending marital bliss between the other half and I, over the past month or so, it's the "marriage" quote which has come up in my mind, time and again.

Well, it's the big day.  We picked up our license from the Beverly Hills (why not Beverly Hills?) courthouse over a month ago, and with little fanfare (I was waiting for the actual moment to "share" this new status on Facebook, thus making our announcement "real") we were married today...sometime around 9:45am.  Per the other half's usual tyranny, we were without any witnesses, at his request.  We dressed up somewhat (ties/button down shirts/pullover tops and jeans), and I was the only one to prepare vows.  Everyone who knows us (but in the end, who the hell cares -- this is our day and our life together and our continuing life together -- as husbands) will attest to the fact that we are not romantic people.  PDA's are practically non-existent.  I'm definitely more of a romantic at heart than he is, but it was to be a semi-sterile "business transaction".  Partly a joke and partly not, the other half mentioned when getting our car stickers last week, "next week is no different than this, a business transaction."  One of the things he has always said about me, is that he likes that I "defy him".  He's a controller.  No doubt about it, but I'm not a doormat either (used to be, before my time with the other half made me more aware of when I was being taken advantage of...and how to put a stop to it).  Bottom line, this wasn't going to be a big event, due to "non-romance" and also cuz we're just plain broke.  Another thing I've learned from the other half over these 15 years...being more practical.  Even if we were swimming in cash, an extravagant wedding would not be our style.

A pre-cursor to this morning's harrowing events (and this is not melo-dramatic -- you'll understand when you've completed reading this entry) was the recent inclusion of Indiana in the avalanche of marriage equality US states.  The first couple to be married held hands and looked into each others eyes as they said their vows.  First thing out of my other half's mouth?  "We won't be doing that."

And it's true.  We don't express our feelings in such a way, and certainly not in public.  At home, I'm a much more needy/cuddly type dude, but that's there.

And while I agreed that a quick, simply ceremony at the courthouse was the best idea, I still needed to prepare some vows.  I'm a writer, what do you want?

Let's now go back to this morning and begin the tale of "the happiest day of our lives".  Ahem.

Woke up early.  I needed to shavej/shower/iron clothes.  The other half showered the night before, so he was already closer to being ready than I.  We had a 10am appointment, and were instructed to be there by 9:30am.  Which means I wanted to leave by 8:15 to get to Beverly Hills on time.  It is LA, and it is rush hour.  With the other half's usual slowness, we pulled out of the garage at 8:40am.  *sigh*

No issue getting to Beverly Hills, and by the time we reached the second floor of the courthouse, my phone read "9:26am".  On time, stress-free, easy.

And here's where our special day started on its way to being truly memorable.  Again, pardon the melodrama, but this is truly unbelievable.

We sat on one of the many long, overly-schlacked (spelling?) wooden benches.  I spotted the men's room across the way, so I got up to use it.  The other half was gone when I returned a moment later.

I saw an open door nearby the chapel door, and the other half's signature laughter within.

Inside was a pretty drab office and beyond that, the chapel through a set of windows (including some sliding glass pass-throughs).  Hanging out in the window, in a black robe, was what I assumed was the officiant -- who would perform the ceremony.  Also in the office was a very nice administrator.

Apparently, I had already missed some of the conversation, which I would later find out from the other half, that he had been questioning about the chapel.  He's an atheist (please don't get him started on any religious topics) and was inquiring about the chapel details.  He was told it was non-denominational and it was left at that.

In true other half form, he felt the need to joke (many a friend has gone by the wayside as they never quite got his peculiar sense of humor), and it quickly became apparent that the officiant had little sense of humor.  He seemed almost on edge and very stiff.  The other half and I further joked that it was our 15 year anniversary and that this was basically just a formality.  Keep in mind at this point that we had not "requested" anything (other than the use of my own vows)  We advised him that I had some vows I wanted to use, and the other half stated that he wanted this to go as fast as possible, adding that "as long as we don't have to look at one another" -- referencing the aforementioned "first couple in Indiana gay marriage".  I admonished him (something I've grown accustomed to in these 15 years) and handed off my folded up vows (which I'll share with you shortly -- they're painfully brilliant btw).  I told the officiant that what I wanted to say was basically a great big "inside joke" between me and my future husband.

With a sour look and that weird-seemingly angry demeanor, the officiant then turned to the administrator and asked that she come into the chapel.  We were then asked to wait outside.  (and btw, these descriptions of the officiant I recognize as subjective, but I've been in customer service long enough to be able to read people -- it just wasn't until later that his immediate behaviour stuck out to me more).

Okay, so far so good.  We'll go wait, as the outside chamber began to fill up w/ other future moments to be made.

About ten minutes later, the officiant came up to us as we sat on our slippery wooden bench, and basically dropped the marriage license (and my vows) on our laps...signed/sealed/delivered.

"Based on what you said inside, I've granted your wishes.  You're married.  Expect your certificate in (how many days/weeks he quoted)."

My mouth fell open, as I didn't quite understand what was happening.

I turned to the other half and said, "what did you say to him?"

We then asked him together, "we're not gonna have the ceremony?"

He then said something along the lines of "it didn't seem as though you wanted one.  And I run this chapel, and do things a certain way.  If that's not what you want, etc..."

Keep in mind, we never "requested" anything.

Now let me break in here and tell you that I have never, even in all of my years in customer service, experienced such a nasty, condescending tone from anyone.  It was absolutely jarring, and I can now remember that my mouth was hanging open.  I honestly did not understand what was going on.

We stated that we wanted a ceremony, and the officiant continued on (with several other folks nearby -- clearly hearing all of this) in that awful, holier-than-thou tone.  The other half finally asked, "why are you being such an asshole?"

Now, bear with me, as I can't recall the chain of events right after.  I was truly in a daze as I tried to process what was going on.

It was agreed upon that he would be back in 15 minutes.  I was in a complete fog for the next few minutes.  I can't quite describe what I was feeling.  Utter disappointment, anger, shock.  Maybe a little of all of them.  Truly weird.

Officiant came back, and we agreed to discuss in the chapel.  We never raised voices, never became physical (you'll understand later why I'm throwing this detail in here now).  Basically he continued on his chatter in a "talking to a two year old" tone.  I told him he had ruined our day.  I advised that he was being condescending.  He said that he had been doing this for years and that 99.9% of the time, these things never happen.

The other half called him a "bitter queen", which didn't help matters, but I can't say I disagreed.  It was fascinating to hear him respond with "I'm not a bitter queen", rather than a straight guy reply of, "I'm not gay".  But even before this all went down, it was insane to see how this officiant was trying to control his anger.  And the sense that he got some strange pleasure out of exerting this "power" he believed he had.  He was almost shaking!

He again reiterated basically that this was his domain.  I advised him what we had paid for this time and for him, to which he quickly replied and in the MOST condescending tone of the whole affair, "Actually, I'm a volunteer."

He asked if we wanted someone else, to which we replied with a resounding, practically harmonied, "yes!"

He then left us in the chapel, and I went over to the pass through window to the office, to find the adminstrator there.  She heard the whole thing.  In some way, it was agreed upon that she would perform the ceremony...and she ultimately seemed very sympathetic, as I threw out there (not melodramatic here folks), "he's ruined this day."

Moments later, the officiant returned and asked that we return to the benches outside, which we did.

With some sense of justice and understanding, I was able to relax, hoping and believing that the administrator would soon perform the ceremony and GET US THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

Another few minutes and the administrator came out to check in another group.  We asked her what was going on, and she said that they were waiting on a reply from her superior.

Okay, breathe.  It's almost over.  And still, my mind is racing with "what the HELL just happened here?"

Another few minutes and the officiant returned, speaking to us with great joy and seemingly just creepy triumph, "There won't be a ceremony today.  You can reschedule with another person.  But for now, you can leave voluntarily or I can call for a security escort."

No way!  I mean, really, NO WAY!  He actually said he would call security on us.  That's the piece that I have a truly difficult time wrapping my head around.  I mean, WOW!

We then tried to confirm for sure, "are we married?"  "Is this our wedding day?"  "We can consider this our actual day?"

He then said "yes" and robotically repeated that we would receive our certificate from Sacramento in (how many days/weeks I can't remember).  Then he was gone.

Now, I again want to point out that we never requested, "a signed piece of paper" and "nothing else".  We were there for the ceremony and to make our big day special...going through the motions, if alas, we've already been committed for 15 damn years!  So indeed, it WAS just a formality (although now we have lots of great rights), but a very serious and exciting one!

Even with this "officiant's" signature on our license, I'm unsure he wouldn't try to fuck this up somehow!  Based on his clearly irrational behaviour, I wouldn't be surprised.

So in a huff and a fog, we grabbed our car and drove off to Denny's to meet friend Maggie.  The other half wanted to make sure this was "just any other day" (even though I know it meant a lot more to him than he let on), so we decided to have a late breakfast at our usual diner stop.

After telling a shocked and appalled Maggie the entire morning's tales, we ended up breaking out the champagne she brought in, asking a happy-to-oblige Maggie to officiate an on-the-spot exchange of words, thus "officially" marrying us...at which point I read my vows -- tailor-made for my now husband and completed our marriage at one of our favorite tables in our favorite Denny's, with our favorite waitress (the amazing Tancie).  Over our coffee and pancakes and bacon and champagne, we were able to finally find some joy in our new special bond.

In hindsight (but I'm still extremely bitter and fragile over this RIDICULOUS situation -- and expect to be for quite some time), it's better that we weren't actually married by someone so awful and terrible and full of himself and his perceived power.  Also, what a fantastic memory (and a future interesting story once the sting has subsided) on this special day...and the lovely job done by Ms. Maggie.

Bottom line, we are married (although again, I'm scared that this guy will mess it up somehow).

Also, we're filing complaints about this dude.  We've started off this retaliation by calling the Mayor's Office of Beverly Hills.  And since we believe this was some form of discrimination, we've also contacted Lambda Legal Defense and the ACLU.

We did absolutely nothing warranting this man's behaviour or his nastiness.  I'm still shocked by what went down on this "most special day" in our lives.  And while that's a cliche, I believe I'm in this for the long haul...so it's not as if we plan to have another wedding, or marry someone else later in life, or any other such things.

We will not go quietly into this good night.  Another cliche, but apt.  This is not over.

And here are my absolutely fantastic vows (which I'm sure helped to sway the officiant's anger toward us)...but again, I explained to him that it was an "inside joke".

It's all from one of our beloved, shared favorites, POLTERGEIST.  I thought these were quite clever.

"Since our relationship has relied on a special kind of communication, mainly through movie and television quotes, my vows will be delivered to you in a way which only a child could understand.

I vow – despite how much you may age, that your gray hair will always remain “punk” in my eyes.

I vow to keep the closet light on, to not over-feed the fish, and I vow to believe you if you insist that “you got bit” or if you tell me “that burns”.

I will marry you, even if it comes contrary to my beliefs as a human being and a Christian.

I will do my best to never LIE TO YOU, and if I only move the headstones, I’ll be sure to tell you.

I promise to always keep you up to date on “what’s happening?”

I vow to let you go through my soul – anytime you may find the need – whether in a swimming pool or a Pizza Hut or this earthly bi-plain.  Whether the house is clean, a terrible presence is in there with us, or if there are electrical problems as well.  Even if you claim it’s not your mess, that I make good coffee, or if you tell your dad that you don’t know.  You can go through my soul when you’re hungry, when you’re lonely and when it’s nighttime.   

Finally, I think we can both agree to never “touch my babies”, to never “let go”, and to not to set up housekeeping in Cuesta Verde, regardless of its appearance in last month’s issue of Town & Country.

Now let’s go get this marriage."

And back to the title of this entry...I guess it applies, since we kinda "forgot" to get married, kinda/sorta, technically.

And with that, I hope I've gotten some of this crap off my chest -- totally not the junk I want to be carrying with me, it's just horrible.  And you know what, if it sounds trivial and "they're making a mountain out of a mole-hill", you weren't there.  And it wasn't YOUR wedding day.

What this guy did was unforgivable.

Oh, and btw, a bit of research online about this guy.  He's a therapist.  Ouch.  From his website,

"I offer a space where you will be heard, where your concerns and your improvement are paramount. I have the rare expertise of not only understanding what you say and what matters to you."
"I have worked with a broad range of backgrounds, orientations and issues, and use my intellect and experience to help you feel heard and understood."

"Heard and understood".  YUP, that was certainly my experience!