Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Eight: Paul Kratka vs. Peter Barton

It's a special time in a young man's life, when he can return, time and time again, to a place where scantily clad co-eds are horribly butchered, one lovely and resourceful lady can triumph over the sad, misunderstood (but still horrifically violent) man-monster, and yet -- through it all, the all-too-short glimpses of naked male flesh can still provide the above-referenced young man with unlimited and ever-valuable boner material.

Such is the case in our latest boner battle, as we make our way back to the magical wonderland of fresh water (and just a touch of blood) -- Crystal Lake.

But before we do, we must announce the winner of Boner Battle Seven: The Boys of THE LOST BOYS.  Despite the fact that when I started this fool's errand (why a fool's errand?  we've only begun battle # 8 of 20 battles -- and that just accounts for the prelims, folks!), more than a few folks piped up and said, "make sure Kiefer shows up", or "I would totally vote for Kiefer Sutherland in THE LOST BOYS", or "Michael Klug, you're amazing-crazy-brilliant for having thought of this wacky horror hunk idea" or something along those lines.

Well, I was expecting some pretty great voter turnout on this last one, and we only reached our usual level of response.  For shame to those Sutherland lovers -- where was your devoted fanaticism when he needed you?  Huh?  But in the end, the total number of votes doesn't matter -- it's who has the most of what's there -- no matter how small.  And in this case, Jason Patric (my personal choice in this boner battle) took the prize over Mr. Sutherland.  One vote for Kiefer and five votes for Jason.  Which means that we will see Jason Patric again.  And for that, I say "THANK YOU" to those who made their voices heard.

And with that closed contest, we find two more hunks from the world of Jason Voorhees and FRIDAY THE 13TH.  This is not our first visit to those bloody cabins in the woods, and it won't be our last.  For this one, we're going with the title, "Crystal Lake Boners: Revisited".

First up:  Paul Kratka.  You'll remember him as "Rick", the sensitive and hunky, hay-hauling hottie of FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3.  He's Dana Kimmel's love interest, and for a few brief moments, we get his shirtless and fat-free flesh as he reconnects with our once before and again, soon-to-be whack-job, Chris (Kimmel).  She will have faced Jason twice in her life, by the time the credits on this episode roll.  Although she escapes, she's pretty messed up by that point.  My guess is that she should have taken advantage of Paul's amorous advances, and then maybe she wouldn't have gone crazy.  Oh.  It was the Jason killing all of her friends and the lady in the lake (who shouldn't have had a head, am I right?), not the turning down of those pecs, abs and boner-inducing manliness which was presented to her.  I get you now.  The body and deep voice of Kratka is easily able to distract.  Don't you agree?  And he's a pretty good guy, who doesn't deserve his eventual demise -- I'm talking the terrible 3-D effect, yikes!  Paul Kratka and his hot body, everyone!

**just a side note:  I considered having "Andy" (Jeffrey Rogers) as a contestant in this competition, but opted out.  He's got a hot body, and who doesn't love his flexibility? (so many more options for private time)  But Kratka will be the only dude from PART 3 to appear in these battles.  However, there is much to be said about Rogers incredibly sexy armpit hair.  See for yourself.  Too bad he's almost dead at the point shown to your left.  To quote Homer Simpson, "He's still good.  He's still good."

Up against Mr. Kratka, we move ahead to the next sequel.  In addition to FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER, Peter Barton also appears in the Linda Blair vehicle (which scared the bejesus out of me) HELL NIGHT.  And he's just as sexy there.  But in THE FINAL CHAPTER, he is shirtless IN THE SHOWER!  Watch the scene and his case will be made.  As I'm searching for photos, I realize he's almost too pretty.  Is there such a thing?  This would not stop me from ravaging him if given the chance.  The tough part about choosing Barton to play with these other guys and their boners (tee hee) is that THE FINAL CHAPTER is chalk full of attractive men!  I always had an affinity for Lawrence Monoson (he's got a great ass in this), Crispin Glover is an adorkable of the highest rank, E. Erich Anderson is a thirst-quenching tall glass of water, and hunky Alan Hayes is the dude with the most painful male death in the whole franchise!  You're useless to me now!

But we return to Barton and his flowy hair, yummy smooth chest (I prefer chest hair, but will gladly overlook this deficit), jawline you could suck on for hours and just overall gorgeous features.  And I know that "Sara" (Barbara Howard) was kicking herself for taking so long to give into his "nice guy", "let's take it slow" attitude.  Were you crazy?  And now look what happened -- a dead "Doug" and an axe to your tummy.  The picture above is just before "Doug" eats it.  And he's making jokes about "dropping the soap".  Don't make that joke.  Just don't.  It's offensive and demeaning and not gay-friendly...but...nevertheless...

SAY IT AGAIN!  :)

I'm also cheating here by showing Barton in HELL NIGHT, just cuz he's not all showery-wet and moist and delicious, which means you can get a load of his gorgeous mane.

And I also feel obliged to point out that as I was searching for photos of Barton, I happened upon a photo from THE POWERS OF MATTHEW STAR, and he's standing opposite Amy Steel.  Seriously?  I mean, SERIOUSLY?  Ms. Steel worked with some of the hottest hunks of the 80s, and the only thing I can say is -- dish, dish, dish!

** one final note:  I'm realizing how sexist this post may be, by saying that some of the female characters should have gotten as much sexing from these appetizing guys as they could, before they met the wrath of Mr. Voorhees.  I'm just making the case for the hotness factor of each dude.  This is all in fun.  No offense intended.  :)

I will officially place my vote for Peter Barton.  No hairy chest, but in the end, I think that square jawline moves me to his side (and back and butt and front).

Now, cast your vote!  Kratka vs. Barton!