Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Sixteen: Daniel Beer vs. Paul Satterfield

WARNING!  Naked Boobage Ahead!

Our last battle of "Freddy's Boys" found Robert Rusler and his golden torso as the final victor.  Mark Patton and his Mark Hamill cuteness were apparently no match for the quivering abs of the soon-to-be Freddy-filleted "Grady".  Final votes?  For Patton: 2.  For Rusler: 4.  And so, in these prelim rounds, we move away from Elm Street for good.  But, we'll see Rusler in the next round as he boner battles other winners.  Until then... say hi to Ferris Bueller's dad for me.  Thanks.

Daniel Beer and Paul Satterfield.  Who are they, you ask?  Well, you 80s horror fans will recognize them w/ this very first photo.  They're the two ill-fated hotties, taking their two ill-fated skanks out for a dip in a not-so-serene lake in the middle of nowhere -- for some swimming, some pot and probably some sex (at least "Zeke" and "Laverne" since "Rachel" seems to be a bit icy on the trip there).  It's the second episode of CREEPSHOW 2, entitled "The Raft".  It's difficult to move ahead into the descriptions of these two, knowing what eventually will become of those toned and tasty bods.  Such a shame.  I mean, look what happened to "Laverne" and "Rachel".  Not very nice at all.  Mr. Beer is the nerdy "Randy" and Mr. Satterfield is the jock "Deke", and they both get down to their skivvies in this film.  Satterfield is bulkier, and sporting a package-revealing Speedo, while Beer is in his flat trunks, but still shirtless.  Beer doesn't have the heft of Satterfield, but he's still got that skinny-but-toned physique, rendering him mighty yummy.  And hasn't it always been the cliche that the skinnier, nerdier dudes are usually the ones packing the bigger heat?

These two together (minus the two girls) always brought out those thoughts that as college roomies (they were college kids, right?) they may have had some fun together, late at night after smoking a joint together in their dorm room.  Albeit, "Deke" would have just sat back and let "Randy" do most of the work, but it was a hot thought nonetheless.




And yes, I would be kidding myself if I didn't pay some attention to the totally awesome boobage on "Laverne" (Ms. Jeremy Green). There, I've satisfied all 0 of my straight male readers here.





Now, back to the boys.  I'm going outside the usual (I've done it before, so there is precedent) and offering up some later photos of our two contestants.  They've both aged quite well, and this just makes the decision a bit more difficult.  The hot ginge that is Beer, has a little bit of Daniel Craig, a tad of Jeremy Renner and sprinkling of Ian Ziering to go with that red hair.

The more mature and short-haired Satterfield, channels some Christopher Reeve, which is an added bonus.

And the rest of the photos are for your additional enjoyment.  Found lots of them, so I think I'll just bombard this post with all of their lusciousness. 

And then there's this, which I found while scouting out some good photos.  Hysterical!  And now, we've reached decision-making time.  I salivate over Beer's happy trail and later-in-life red hair.  I long to run my tongue up Satterfield's abs, past his pecs, to end on that rigid jawline.  But only one of them can take the gold here (regardless of the color of their Speedo).  So let's look at the characters to help make this choice.  Deke drives a douche car.  Randy probably doesn't have a car.  Deke has no problem being Deke.  Randy is more shy and conservative.  Deke is very clear on what he wants.  Randy has to wait until a garbage-bag ooze horrifically kills two of his friends and he and Laverne are both naked and scared and thirsty and hungry and desperate before he makes his move and really let's her know how he feels.  And Laverne's also asleep when he begins to fondle her.  So based on the "Creepshow Logic" above, Randy's kind of more of a douche than Deke.  Weirdo, am I right?

But, Deke also shows that there are limits to his flexibility (too soon?), and that's kind of a buzz-kill.

In the end, I'll make the choice for Satterfield.  He seems like the burly kind of dude who could sweep me up into his arms and carry me off to a romantic night in the bedroom and then the next day, head out for a spontaneous, middle-of-fall excursion to a lake.  Wait.  Scratch the morning after lake trip.  As mentioned above, I'm sure I'd have to do all the work, but it would be worth it.  Better yet, can't I just join in on one of their late-night study/pot parties?  At least be a fly on the wall?

Satterfield it is.

And btw, the title of this boner battle, "Soooo Not Creepy".

Cast your vote now!