Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Nineteen: Michael Biehn vs. Kevin Bacon

I gotta say.  I was totally rooting for Gregory Harrison to win.  Probably had a bit to do w/ the fact that my personal message to him was answered when I sent him a link to his boner battle w/ Kurt Russell.

"Ha! Very flattering, Michael. Kurt and I worked together in The Hasty Heart at the Ahmanson Theater in LA right after he finished shooting The Thing. Great actor, good guy. I wouldn't mind losing to him if it turns out that way. Cheers, Gregory"

My response: "Hope you can find the humor in there! Thanks for the reply, and good luck on the battle!"

His response: " You kidding? I laughed all the way through the article."

My response: "Well make sure you get the vote out! My husband and I are rooting for you! You win this and you move onto the next round of this very important competition! :) "

So there's that. But that adoration and conversation, did not result in enough votes for Harrison to take the top prize in battle # 18. In the end, Kurt Russell brought in 7 votes, to Harrison's 3. Sigh. But Russell is still ultra-hot, so I can't hold the win against him. We'll see him back in the brackets real soon!

Battle #19, folks. We are so darn close, I'm actually getting super excited to see the next battle pairings for the semi-finals! Gonna be a hoot! Anyhoo, this new battle is called "Pork & Beans". I'll announce the two hunks and you can figure out why it's called that. Put on your thinking caps and lets make our case for these two hotties!

First up, we've got the ultra-steamy/sexy Michael Biehn. Obviously, he's been in a buttload of 80s horror/horror-adjacent projects to pull from. THE SEVENTH SIGN (opposite Demi Moore), THE TERMINATOR,(the first shot is from that film -- DAMN!) the television mini-series DEADLY INTENTIONS (fantastically good and creepy from what I recall), THE ABYSS and of course, ALIENS. Yes, I would put it more in the sci-fi/action genre, but if you've visited the planet known as LV-426, you'll know there's some super scary and horrific shit going down on that rock! I've had a crush on Biehn for nigh on 30 years. His shirtlessness and nakedness in THE TERMINATOR have never left the libido section of my brain (or my crotch for that matter). But his character, "Hicks" in ALIENS, firmly cemented his hunk status. Those biceps, that armor and those brief shots of him shirtless as the group rise from their sleep chambers -- WOW. He puts his head over his head to rub his hair (you know the moment I'm talking about -- if not, follow the link for a quick video. Ahh, the joys and convenience of the interwebs!) And the meme below supports this image.

That pumped bicep, that hairy pit, those ultra-bedroom eyes! Lord, Almighty! And the bonus in ALIENS? He's so fucking nice and brave and sensible and hot and loyal and smart and hot and hard-bodied.

And because I can (these are my fantasy f&%*s after all) I'm posting several other shots of Biehn -- some from places unknown. This man is just pure sex. Body, blonde hair, stubble. As The Jets would say, "You've Got It All". Don't you dare judge me!

And finally, I've always appreciated Cameron's restraint in the love story between Ripley and Hicks. It's very understated and sexy, but I simply have to throw a shout-out to Sigourney. I mean, she didn't get to even play-act kiss, make out or have pretend sex w/ Biehn. With that said, here's my made-up conversation of Sigourney and Cameron after she found out that Biehn would be taking on the role of her pseudo-love interest (but it's never consummated) for the film.

Sigourney: "Jim, what the fuck?"
Cameron: "What's up, Sig?"
Sigourney: "I just found out that you brought Michael Biehn on board for 'Hicks'."
Cameron: "Good choice, yeah? I had a great time w/ him on TERMINATOR, and I kind of had him in mind for the role when I was writing it. Is there something wrong with that choice?"
Sigourney: "There's nothing wrong with the choice. There's now something wrong with your script."
Cameron: "With the script?"
Sigourney: "I need a love scene. I think it's, you know, right for the characters."
Cameron: "I disagree. I want it to be more implied, just in their interaction."
Sigourney: "You know that I'm an amazing actress, Jim. You know this. And I'm a professional, but..."
Cameron: "Of course, you're brilliant! And I couldn't ask for a more dedicated actress."
Sigourney: "Cut the crap, Jim. Give me what I want."
Cameron: "I'm not following. What is it you want?"
Sigourney: "At least write in a kiss."
Pause.
Cameron: "Oh. OHH! You think he's attractive!"
Sigourney: "You're damned right, I do. And if I don't get a love scene -- at the very least a make-out scene, I'm gonna walk."
Cameron: "No."
Sigourney: "No?"
Cameron: "No."
Pause.
Cameron: "How's this? 'I know there are blood-thirsty aliens who want to impregnate us and 80% of our group are now melted away by the blood of these creatures and there's a little, malnutritioned girl who needs our help and one of our survivors is about to go bat-shit and the only other civi is a money-grubbing company man who was going to sell us out, and we are expecting an android to get an escape ship down here, using only his Tyco remote control -- but sure...let's have some dirty sex right here in 'Medical' while the little girl who won't leave your side, watches.' Is that about right?"
Pause.
Sigourney: "See, you can make it work."

Michael Biehn, everyone!

Mr. Biehn's competitor for this battle is none other than A-list superstar, Kevin Bacon (that battle title starting to make some sense, eh?). He's been around a helluva long time and the 80s were a great time for him. And if you're reading this you know that Bacon's first film was the original FRIDAY THE 13TH. If you didn't know this...well, just don't. Just don't. My horror best friend from back in the day, when we first discovered FRIDAY THE 13TH, we'd already binge-watched Part 2/3/Final Chapter one long evening at his dad's house. It wasn't until later, when the obsession took a firm hold, that we finally took in the original. As much as we loved it, it never found the same love (at least from me) as those three sequels we first viewed. But in the midst of all the fantastic Savini deaths, rants from "Crazy Ralph", screaming, and the "ki-ki-ka" ing on the soundtrack, there was a hot dude in his speedo. And that speedo accentuated what we would all come to know about Kevin Bacon -- that he's hung like a horse! I've never seen WILD THINGS in which his junk is finally exposed, but I've heard tell of that legend. But in FRIDAY THE 13TH, we get to use our imagination on what's making that vulgar and appetizing protrusion in the front of his shorts (our first photo for Bacon's case will illustrate said protrusion). And of course, he's cute with his 80s hair and that slender body, and I've always wanted to tweak those nipples on those fabulous pecs. I do love me some Bacon. But I would never call myself a Bacon "fan". It's not as if I rush out to the theatres to check out his latest work, but I've always loved having him around, especially in my 80s movie madness. Probably my two favorite 80s Bacon films, SHE'S HAVING A BABY (where we see him in his bikini underwears) and WHITE WATER SUMMER (a pretty terrible film w/ a great soundtrack, a young Sean Astin and a weird and sadistic Bacon character -- he's shirtless here too -- as bad as it is, I love the flick anyway).

And to close it all off, since these guys have been steadily working for these 30 years, they're still out and about, posing those fabulous mugs, and looking ever-so-good in their later years. And frankly, still quite do-able.

I'm gonna give my vote to Biehn. He's hunkier, prettier and sexier. That's just all there is to it.

So are you gonna vote for the "pork" or "the beans"? Meat or protein? Ha. Vote now.