Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Twenty: Allan Kayser vs. Tom McBride

**quick update:  Boner Battle #18 between Kurt Russell and Gregory Harrison.  I miscounted and it seems that Harrison had one adt'l vote (the final outcome did not change, but the margin did).

And as for battle #19, Michael Biehn wins with a resounding victory over Kevin Bacon.  Bacon's shlong was no match for Biehn's all-around hotness.  And so it goes.  ELEVEN votes for Biehn and TWO votes for Bacon.  Apparently, everyone prefers the beans over the pork.

And.

Drumroll please.

For you see, we have arrived at the final prelim battle in this wacky competition.  And we are ending these first battles with two biggie "unknowns", but of course, you will probably have an idea on both of them, if you've been following the battles, cuz no doubt you're a horror fan.

He's "Bubba" in MAMA'S FAMILY and he's also ultra-douche "Brad" in his selected 80s horror flick, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS.  Allan Kayser.  And his competitor is the late Tom McBride, perhaps even lesser known than Kayser.  McBride was the wheelchair-bound hottie in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2, "Mark".  And this, my friends, constitutes the battle of "Our Final Boys".  So let's get on with it.

Allan Kayser.  I've only seen NIGHT OF THE CREEPS a handful of times, but I've always fondly remembered that almost-effervescent blonde hair of his, as the head of the jerkwad fraternity on campus, giving shit to our two nerdy leads -- before the "creeps" give him his come-uppance.  But couldn't he have come to understand and accept his homosexuality first?  I mean, he tortures these two kids, clearly has some sort of man-crush on them, but due to his non-acceptance of his own man-on-man desires, he instead hurts these boys.  And had he not been involved in the terrible dog/bus crash, which killed himself and his fellow frat brothers, he would have surely broken it off w/ "Cynthia" (Jill Whitlow), having finally experienced bliss with one of his like-minded frat bros.  And he would then have apologized to "Chris" and "JC" for being such a dick.  Cuz now, he could be himself and not have to hide behind his anger.  But then, the horror fans would have surely cried out in anger themselves, when their story was hijacked by some closeted queen, when exploding heads, slugs on wires and risen-from-the-grave ax murderers were there to simply entertain.  A little gay boy can wish, can't he?


And even when he visits his jilted girlfriend on the night of the formal -- now as a full-fledged zombie, he still looks pretty hot... blue-tinted, rotting flesh and all.

I'm also posting a photo from much later, showing that Kayser's aged well, and that his body has remained intact.  And it must be said that he was always lovable and goofy and sexy on MAMA'S FAMILY, and certainly more entertaining than those two other kids he eventually replaced in season three.  But as I'm writing, I realize there's not the same connection to Kayser as to some of the other hunks who have battled before him.  Not a matter of liking or lusting, but a matter of exposure (I'd like more exposure from him, that's for sure)...just haven't seen NIGHT OF THE CREEPS enough.  This must be remedied!  But Kayser's hotness (and apparent ginge naturalness) cannot be and will not be denied.  Thanks, Evita!

Kayser's competitor in this final prelim battle is the late Mr. Tom McBride.  As I researched this total hottie, I found that he died in the 90s, due to complications from AIDS, and also, that he was one of the "Marlboro Men" in the 80s.  As if I needed another reason to swoon over him!  I've seen FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 countless times, and without a doubt, it is one of my favorites of the franchise.  McBride's co-star, John Furey was in an earlier battle, but he lost out, even though I voted for him (sigh).  But back to McBride.  The first photo shows it all (except for that fabulous hairy chest and abs -- stay tuned for that goodness).  He's beefy, with a perfectly structured face...and that always beloved stubble.  This guy owns that shit!  As for "Mark", his character, he ends up almost getting it on w/ one of his fellow counselors-in-training (no, not Furey or any other dude -- it's a chick), but before he can, Jason splits his head like a watermelon -- with his trusty machete.  When I first saw this film (mid-late 80s), and had THE SIMPSONS been around, I would certainly have desperately uttered the Homer Simpson line (albeit slightly altered), "He's still good. He's still good,"  ** as McBride's character, machete firmly encased in his skull, is sent, wheelchair and all, into the rain and down a long flight of stairs to his death.

** = the episode when Homer roasts the pig in the backyard and Lisa -- fresh from her new vegetarian lifestyle -- sends the roaster on a rolling tour of Springfield before the pig is jettisoned to places unknown, via a hole in the dam.

And here are some other photos of this dude.  An ad for one of his stints as "The Marlboro Man" and photos from places unknown, showing off his absolutely fine-body, complete with drool-worthy body hair.  But again, sadly, we were unable to see how this guy aged.  RIP, Mr. McBride.  You're the only deceased contestant in this competition.  Perhaps we'll see a Peter Finch/NETWORK posthumous win here.  Cuz the Oscars and these Boner Battles are so very similar!

Not being political here, but I'm gonna cast my vote for McBride.  He's a stunning specimen.  And I usually go for the blondes, but perhaps it's the fact that Kayser's hair glows in his chosen flick.  Maybe it's too much.  At any rate, McBride is the winner for me on this one.  Now is the time where you must vote.


And coming up, we'll have a recap of the first 20 battles, before we move into the semi-final rounds!  So read up on the winners, cuz the voting will start anew in just 3 days!