Let me explain something to you...

When I say that I'm probably one of the most selfish people you've ever met, it might be a good idea to just accept that fact, as I don't have time to reassure you that I'm a good person...I've got things on my OWN plate. Sadly, I mean this in all seriousness.

If you're a customer in my store, and I know that you're a total bitch; based on watching you deal w/ other employees and then hearing their tales of your wicked bitchery...then you try to say something nasty to me; although maybe a bit in jest, don't expect me to react with a smile and bow to your fabulous sense of humor. Case in point...your late teens daughter, whom you clearly control beyond a normal mother/child relationship...when she says "Mommy, our meter is running out; we could get a ticket." Then you reply with a loud-enough-for-me-to-hear comment of "That's okay, if we get a ticket, we'll bring it back to (insert my store name here) for them to pay." Need I mention how much you've been rushing to get this transaction completed?

Let me break off here, and tell you how very much I despise those customers who park in a "valet" zone, or a "10 minute" parking spot, or are double parked out front; and then expect me to rush. What's that old saying? "bad planning on your part, does not make an emergency on mine." How many times have I wanted to say that to soooo very many of my customers. Plan better, you waste of skin!

BTW, my response to the mother...a very pointed, "No, I don't think so."

The Cleveland Show. Watched the first episode of the series. Not worth my time.

When I say I'm wearing my "Sarah Polley Pants"; it means that I have a pair of pajama pants which remind me of the pair worn by "Ana" in the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Minus the frills around the ankles, of course. It's a pair purchased and given to me by the other half. My damned "Sarah Polley Pants"!

While it may seem that the other half (that's MY other half) is the politically incorrect, Son of Satan, nasty one in our little family, let it be known that I am the horrible person behind closed doors. It's true. In all honesty, I have a VERY bad temper, and probably should seek anger management counseling. 'tis true.

Finally saw The Hangover. Not as much toilet humor as I would have expected, but definitely a treat. Bradley Cooper will have to be added to my Stew of Sin (patent pending).

Boxer Drederick Tatum of The Simpsons; is a thinly veiled version of Mike Tyson. In case you didn't know.

How completely F***ED UP is it that Time Warner Cable is planning to get rid of FOX. What planet are they living on? I hate shit like this, just serves to make me more bitter.

The other half and I spent a couple of days in Vegas last week; just for a mini-vacation. Good times. Then, this last week, we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day in Rincon. It's a bit north of San Diego. We stayed at Harrah's Casino in the mountains. Free room and about 200 bucks in food credits. We gorged ourselves. It was sweet. We also had free room @ Caesar's Palace in Vegas. My home away from home.

I used to be in the habit of sending out form letters for the holidays, but haven't done it in about 3 (maybe 4) years. Just haven't had the motivation.

Let me break off here and state how much of a lazy loser I am.

However, this year, upon our arrival home from Rincon, I drafted a quick letter, sent it to most everyone in my email address book, and have to get on the ball to send it via snailmail to those who don't have access to the interwebs...and voila! I've gotten back on track. Anyway, so here's the letter. I'm posting it here, so you can amuse yourselves w/ it's childlike scratchings.

"An Emotional 2009 Year in Review…
(in no particular order)

5 things that made me laugh
1) Those hysterical ads from ALLY Bank. Y’know the ones…the kid with the red truck, the two girls w/ the pony, the girl w/ the bicycle…BRILLIANT!
2) Big Bother online—a very funny web-series I was a part of last year (www.bigbothershow.com) was launched in June!
3) Cougar Town on ABC
4) Receiving an autographed headshot in the mail from Lee Majors (The Six Million Dollar Man, y’all!) after I requested it from his wife!
5) Celebrating 10 years with the other half
5 things that made me sad
1) Michael Jackson’s death
2) Farrah Fawcett’s death
3) Bea Arthur’s death
4) Celebrating 10 years with the other half
5) Not getting back home since 2007
5 things that made me afraid
1) Celebrating 10 years with the other half
2) Viewing Paranormal Activity
3) Turning 35 years old
4) The zombie living on the third floor of our parking structure
5) My uncertainty of a clear path forward (welcome to life, right?)
5 things that made me mad
1) The never ending parade of nasty customers finding their way through the doors of my store
2) Celebrating 10 years with the other half
3) Not getting more of my 2009 New Year’s resolutions moved to the “completed” column
4) My demotion at work (but was later (re) promoted to the same position—so it’s all good)
5) My need for anger management classes ;)
5 things that made me glad
1) Finished a 4th draft of my second feature screenplay
2) Launched my new (still under construction) website: www.notmymess.com
3) Celebrating 10 years with the other half during an awesome stay in Sin City
4) Spent a day at Disneyland (my second time) for the other half’s birthday
5) Mom’s moving to Rapid City in February 2010!
5 things that made me horny
1) Chris Pine as “James T. Kirk” in the new Star Trek
2) The new The Wizard of Oz slot machines in Caesar’s Palace
3) Celebrating 10 years with the other half
4) That hot, tattooed blonde dude—often to be found in Runyon Canyon
5) Getting up close and personal with David Beckham’s wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s
5 things that made me grateful
1) Seeing Simon Baker in person for a thorough Q&A at the SAG Center (via the goodness of friend Justin)
2) Meeting the one and only Bob Barker
3) Having a fantabulous Turkey Day hosted by Maggie and Hamish (with a wonderfully eclectic group of folks)
4) Celebrating 10 years with the other half
5) Our discovery of hiking fun…just outside our door
5 things that made me tired
1) Sarah Palin’s everlasting 15 minutes
2) Reaching a one year anniversary in my retail gig
3) Celebrating 10 years with the other half
4) Our 18 hour AWESOME trip to Vegas with friend Chris; complete w/ 4 hours of sleep
5) News coverage of all things stupid and inconsequential (Bubble Boy, anyone?)

So folks…that was our 2009. The other half and I hope you had a great year as well; complete with all the ups and downs (mostly ups) that life is able to throw your way (and that we’re experiencing at the same time as you). We are loving our new (a year and a half!) location here in LA, and believe this will be our final resting place…so to speak.

Happy belated holidays! Happy forthcoming New Year!"

That's the letter. You're welcome.

My new website has been up for a month now. Still working on it. Why haven't you checked it out yet, you lazy bastard? It's @ www.notmymess.com

Yeah?

My New Year's resolutions have yet to be finalized...not sure why, since most of them are the same ones from the past 2 years. Jesus.

I'm itching for some change. In what part of my life? In what form? Hell if I know...need something to shake it all up for a bit...but in a good way; not in the "we're homeless in Phoenix and broke in LA" way from almost 2 years ago. No, not in that way.

Oh, and lady without her glasses; asking me for prices on EVERY SINGLE ITEM in the store...here's a tip...if you don't want me to beat you senseless, as you force me to face my BIGGEST PET PEEVE in my customer service experience...I suggest you drag your fat, lazy ass back to your car to fetch your spectacles. Otherwise...oh nothing...that's just my fist at the ready. If you know you have your glasses in your car (probably in the parking garage a whopping two doors down), then GO GET THEM!

We're going hiking in the morning...IF IT KILLS ME; and it very well may. Do I care? No, not really.

What bad mood?

What foul mood?

What bitchiness?

I hope my DM doesn't read this, cuz then there would be NO WAY on earth that he'd consider me for a promotion. Do I care? No, not really.

BTW, as I was reading this blog back to the other half (as I usually do--helps him fall asleep), he suggested I don't mention my store name. Does it really matter? Probably not...since I've already done it...Do I care? No, not really.

Please note, I did remove the store name. Hmmm.

I expect this year to be full of NOTHING but completed projects. Who is with me???