Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Ten: Adrian Pasdar vs. Stephen Shellen

Some pretty sweet voter feedback on this last battle (second highest turnout thus far in the competition).  WITCHBOARD director, Kevin Tenney rallied the troops to favor Todd Allen, but only by a smidge.  Jason Beghe ended up with 6 votes, and Allen with 7.  While there were lots of Facebook "likes" for the battle, only a few select folks actually made their votes official (remember, come HERE to make your voice heard).  So congrats to hairy hottie -- Mr. Todd Allen for his victory.  We will be seeing you again down the road for your second match!  Train to win, my hunky friend!

And here we are at battle #10.  Halfway through these preliminary bouts, with so many more mouth-watering, horror hunks still to come.  Are you sick of this yet?  Cuz I am absolutely not.  Let's get it on -- or rather, get on with it.  Ahem.

Up this time, we're pitting two pretty boys against one another.  Thus, the battle will be christened, "Pretty Boys".  How DO I come up w/ these?  Clearly, some divine inspiration.

NEAR DARK was an early Kathryn Bigelow picture, featuring an amazing cast as the vampire villains (an ALIENS reunion of sorts -- with Jenette Goldstein, Bill Paxton and one-time Horror Hunks competitor, Lance Henriksen).  But in amongst all of these fantabulous bad guys, we find our hero -- "Caleb" played with all the steamy hotness of a filled to maximum capacity sauna in a gay bathhouse -- by Mr. Adrian Pasdar.  He was another one of those guys I watched as a kid, LONGING to share my lusty thoughts w/ friends and family, but knowing it was best to keep them in check.  However, that silence didn't keep me from playing out sexy scenarios in my fevered, pubescent mind, especially when, in the climax, hot-n-hairy daddy Tim Thomerson must perform an emergency blood transfusion into his ailing, almost-vampire son.  And of course, to the delight of my crotch (then and now), Pasdar is shirtless for this procedure (it was necessary for his safety, you see).  Never mind the charred crunchiness of his face in the photo, we're focusing on that gleaming naked torso.  And the photo above that, is good old boy "Caleb" before "Mae" (Jenny Wright) goes and tries to make him undead (but never ugly -- there's simply no way to make Pasdar icky-pants, blood-sucker and half-dead or not).  And if daddy Thomerson needs some help holding down the pained "Caleb" while he works to save his life, I will gladly volunteer for that job.  He does look pretty sweaty, so when my hands slide "accidentally" over his hard, perky nipples and slither toward the latch on his belt buckle as I struggle to hold him down (for his own good, mind you), it won't become a big deal -- post operation when I have to explain my actions.  Adrian Pasdar, everyone!

Our second pretty boy for this boner battle, is Stephen Shellen.  He had roles in 80s horror flicks, THE STEPFATHER (starring with previous boner battle winner, Terry O'Quinn) and AMERICAN GOTHIC opposite Rod Steiger and Y'vonne DeCarlo.  He's hot in both of them, but we're going to offer a few cheats on his behalf.  The first photo is from THE STEPFATHER.  Check out those eyes, that delicious stubble, and that ultra-defined jawline.  From what I recall, we never got any shots of his hot body in either of these flicks, so I'm going outside the zone of the aforementioned worlds and offering a couple of goodies.  First off, he was in an episode of HBO's TALES FROM THE CRYPT, in a story entitled "Lover Come Hack to Me" with Ms. Amanda Plummer.  I'm supplying a link to said episode, cuz Shellen TAKES OFF HIS PANTS, exposing his fine ass and sadly, not his other assets.  How I wish I were on that film crew for the day of this scene.  Fluffer, anyone?  Let it be known, I had a tough time finding any shirtless shots of him, and that's just horrid.  WTF, Google?  What am I to do?  Well -- click the link below, and find your way -- oh, so gently -- to 7:07, and prepare yourself for that absolutely squeezable behind.  This dude's got it all!  Keep on the boner train until 8:43 for an adt'l shot of his ass and the front of his torso.  Pan down, for the love of God!

And in the 80s classic CASUAL SEX? (second photo), he plays a dense fitness trainer working toward a music career who falls in love with Lea Thompson.  I was unable to find any stills of him in his speedo, and that's just a giant disappointment for you... believe me.  I just put in the DVD to check out the appetizing speedo scene and it didn't disappoint.  Wowzers!  This is all non-horror, but... just shut up.  :)

And finally, here's that link to his naked butt.  Remember -- start up at 7:07.



So here I am.  I've researched, written, drooled and edited.  But who am I going to choose for my own personal vote?  There have been toughies and there have been toughies in this competition, but this one is really hard.
*pause, wait for laughter*

I think I'm gonna have to go for Shellen here.  But honestly, this is practically a tie, as both of these guys are simply horror hunk heavenly.

Cast your votes now!

Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Nine: Jason Beghe vs. Todd Allen

Poor voter turnout for the last battle.  Feeling sad for Paul Kratka and Peter Barton.  Two deserving hunks who were shown very little love.  For shame.  To all of you.  For shame.

However, with our meager THREE votes (again -- for shame) there is still a clear winner, and that winner is Peter Barton -- "Doug" of FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER.  No doubt that his yummy-nummy jawline and beauty pushed him over the edge.

We're moving into some uber-manly territory for our next battle.  And that battle is entitled "Let the Fur Fly".

We're pitting two hairy-chested hotties against one another, for your love, your lust and your votes!

First up:  Mr. Jason Beghe will be making an appearance in this competition for his role in Romero's MONKEY SHINES.  If you'll recall (have you seen the film?  you should see the film), he plays a paraplegic who must rely on a little monkey to be his hands and feet.  A special bond develops and chaos ensues.  But, we're focusing on the very brief moments before the character's accident.  You see, "Allan" (that's Beghe's character) goes out for a run, but is then hit by a car and the movie takes shape from there.  But prior to this tragedy -- as any good runner would do -- he contorts his body for some revealing runner's stretches.  He's shirtless, bottomless and oh-so flexible.  As a kid, tuning in for non-zombie Romero, I was pleasantly surprised by Romero's handling of this non-dead subject matter, but more-so for his choice to show Beghe's naked ass and Jason's absolutely stunning hairy body.  Check out these photos and you will completely and totally understand why he is worthy of your votes.  Oh, and his face is nothing to sneeze at...unless he kisses you too hard with that luscious stubble and scrunches up your nose with the force of his love.  It could happen.  Jason Beghe and his God-given gift of body fur, everyone.

Beghe's hairy body will take part in a furious boner battle against another king of follicle goodness from 80s horror, Mr. Todd Allen of WITCHBOARD.  "Jim" is the guy who does whatever it takes to make sure his lovely woman and possible baby-mama, "Linda" (Tawny Kitaen) remains free of possessive evil spirits, and will spend lots of that time shirtless, exposing (I'm stealing this line from THE BIRDCAGE) that "thick nest of hair" -- to the delight of young gay horror fans everywhere!  Allen's hot-n-hairy body is played nicely against his boyishly handsome face -- to great boner-inducing effect.  Watching the film as a kid (it was/is one of my favorites), I always had thoughts as "Jim" and estranged best friend "Brandon" (Stephen Nichols -- "Patch" of DAYS OF OUR LIVES fame) were in the hotel on the way to Big Bear to find out what the hell was the deal w/ "David" (the little dead kid in the board), that they might, you know, hook up.  You see, I believed (perhaps when I was much older and could understand and fantasize about such things) that as kids, they experimented with one another.  Neither was gay, but as they grew up (and in the case of "Jim" -- exploded in a cloud of hairy goodness) they discovered the joys of "boys will be boys".  Can't they relive those glory hole days before Brandon meets an untimely death at the hands of the fake "David"?  I mean, would that be asking too much?  What am I supposed to think as Brandon sits there with his shirt hanging open?  If you ask me, Brandon isn't jealous of Jim, he's jealous of Linda.  What say you to that?  I mean, have you seen Jim's hairy chest?  Anyway -- Todd Allen is looking for (and deserving of) your votes.  Let's do this!

My vote (and this is a tough one as I love me some hairy chests) goes to Beghe.  Perhaps if I got a good shot of Allen's ass, he would have a better shot.  But w/ Beghe's fur and his naked butt, he's got the upper hand in this boner battle.

Vote now, folks!

Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Eight: Paul Kratka vs. Peter Barton

It's a special time in a young man's life, when he can return, time and time again, to a place where scantily clad co-eds are horribly butchered, one lovely and resourceful lady can triumph over the sad, misunderstood (but still horrifically violent) man-monster, and yet -- through it all, the all-too-short glimpses of naked male flesh can still provide the above-referenced young man with unlimited and ever-valuable boner material.

Such is the case in our latest boner battle, as we make our way back to the magical wonderland of fresh water (and just a touch of blood) -- Crystal Lake.

But before we do, we must announce the winner of Boner Battle Seven: The Boys of THE LOST BOYS.  Despite the fact that when I started this fool's errand (why a fool's errand?  we've only begun battle # 8 of 20 battles -- and that just accounts for the prelims, folks!), more than a few folks piped up and said, "make sure Kiefer shows up", or "I would totally vote for Kiefer Sutherland in THE LOST BOYS", or "Michael Klug, you're amazing-crazy-brilliant for having thought of this wacky horror hunk idea" or something along those lines.

Well, I was expecting some pretty great voter turnout on this last one, and we only reached our usual level of response.  For shame to those Sutherland lovers -- where was your devoted fanaticism when he needed you?  Huh?  But in the end, the total number of votes doesn't matter -- it's who has the most of what's there -- no matter how small.  And in this case, Jason Patric (my personal choice in this boner battle) took the prize over Mr. Sutherland.  One vote for Kiefer and five votes for Jason.  Which means that we will see Jason Patric again.  And for that, I say "THANK YOU" to those who made their voices heard.

And with that closed contest, we find two more hunks from the world of Jason Voorhees and FRIDAY THE 13TH.  This is not our first visit to those bloody cabins in the woods, and it won't be our last.  For this one, we're going with the title, "Crystal Lake Boners: Revisited".

First up:  Paul Kratka.  You'll remember him as "Rick", the sensitive and hunky, hay-hauling hottie of FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3.  He's Dana Kimmel's love interest, and for a few brief moments, we get his shirtless and fat-free flesh as he reconnects with our once before and again, soon-to-be whack-job, Chris (Kimmel).  She will have faced Jason twice in her life, by the time the credits on this episode roll.  Although she escapes, she's pretty messed up by that point.  My guess is that she should have taken advantage of Paul's amorous advances, and then maybe she wouldn't have gone crazy.  Oh.  It was the Jason killing all of her friends and the lady in the lake (who shouldn't have had a head, am I right?), not the turning down of those pecs, abs and boner-inducing manliness which was presented to her.  I get you now.  The body and deep voice of Kratka is easily able to distract.  Don't you agree?  And he's a pretty good guy, who doesn't deserve his eventual demise -- I'm talking the terrible 3-D effect, yikes!  Paul Kratka and his hot body, everyone!

**just a side note:  I considered having "Andy" (Jeffrey Rogers) as a contestant in this competition, but opted out.  He's got a hot body, and who doesn't love his flexibility? (so many more options for private time)  But Kratka will be the only dude from PART 3 to appear in these battles.  However, there is much to be said about Rogers incredibly sexy armpit hair.  See for yourself.  Too bad he's almost dead at the point shown to your left.  To quote Homer Simpson, "He's still good.  He's still good."

Up against Mr. Kratka, we move ahead to the next sequel.  In addition to FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER, Peter Barton also appears in the Linda Blair vehicle (which scared the bejesus out of me) HELL NIGHT.  And he's just as sexy there.  But in THE FINAL CHAPTER, he is shirtless IN THE SHOWER!  Watch the scene and his case will be made.  As I'm searching for photos, I realize he's almost too pretty.  Is there such a thing?  This would not stop me from ravaging him if given the chance.  The tough part about choosing Barton to play with these other guys and their boners (tee hee) is that THE FINAL CHAPTER is chalk full of attractive men!  I always had an affinity for Lawrence Monoson (he's got a great ass in this), Crispin Glover is an adorkable of the highest rank, E. Erich Anderson is a thirst-quenching tall glass of water, and hunky Alan Hayes is the dude with the most painful male death in the whole franchise!  You're useless to me now!

But we return to Barton and his flowy hair, yummy smooth chest (I prefer chest hair, but will gladly overlook this deficit), jawline you could suck on for hours and just overall gorgeous features.  And I know that "Sara" (Barbara Howard) was kicking herself for taking so long to give into his "nice guy", "let's take it slow" attitude.  Were you crazy?  And now look what happened -- a dead "Doug" and an axe to your tummy.  The picture above is just before "Doug" eats it.  And he's making jokes about "dropping the soap".  Don't make that joke.  Just don't.  It's offensive and demeaning and not gay-friendly...but...nevertheless...

SAY IT AGAIN!  :)

I'm also cheating here by showing Barton in HELL NIGHT, just cuz he's not all showery-wet and moist and delicious, which means you can get a load of his gorgeous mane.

And I also feel obliged to point out that as I was searching for photos of Barton, I happened upon a photo from THE POWERS OF MATTHEW STAR, and he's standing opposite Amy Steel.  Seriously?  I mean, SERIOUSLY?  Ms. Steel worked with some of the hottest hunks of the 80s, and the only thing I can say is -- dish, dish, dish!

** one final note:  I'm realizing how sexist this post may be, by saying that some of the female characters should have gotten as much sexing from these appetizing guys as they could, before they met the wrath of Mr. Voorhees.  I'm just making the case for the hotness factor of each dude.  This is all in fun.  No offense intended.  :)

I will officially place my vote for Peter Barton.  No hairy chest, but in the end, I think that square jawline moves me to his side (and back and butt and front).

Now, cast your vote!  Kratka vs. Barton!

Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Seven: Kiefer Sutherland vs. Jason Patric

Recap of the latest boner battle.  Our voter turnout was pretty weak, compared to the previous Olandt vs. Rohner battle, but it was still a decisive win for "Tommy Jarvis III", Mr. Thom Mathews of JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6.  One vote for John Furey and FIVE votes for Mathews (including one from his biggest fan).  I can't complain, cuz the dude is a hottie of epic proportion (but my personal vote for John Furey was rendered useless).  Congrats, Thom!  Should you be playing "Tommy" again sometime, let me take over for the lovely and talented Jennifer Cooke (aka "Megan"), I have some serious CPR skills!

This next match-up was not on my original list of 80s horror hunks, but when someone asked about our first dude, I immediately thought of the second dude -- which made it clear that this bout simply had to take place.  So here we are!

It's THE LOST BOYS, boys (and girls).  And thus, this boner battle will be christened, "The Boys of The Lost Boys".  Easy genius, really.

Of course, first up is Kiefer Sutherland.  Now, I myself always found him cute, but never boner -- or even drool-worthy.  So that means I'm bowing to peer pressure and giving the public what they want.  Looking up photos, I think it's the hair-do which is turning me off here.  I have absolutely no issue with his leader-of-the-pack (of vampires) and his status as one of the highest ranking on-screen bad boys... in fact, that is what makes me okay with adding him to this contest.  His grungy vampire-leader -- serving up worms and being draped on by Jami Gertz and all that 80s music -- well, that is just sexy as hell.  Now, let it be known -- give me his switchblade-toting asshole "Ace" from STAND BY ME, and we've got a real contender indeed.  That scruff, that short (but still long-ish for the era) hair, and he can "stab" me anytime (see photo below).  But, even though it's Stephen King, it's not horror.  *sigh*  But, I digress.  It's been a long, long time since I took in THE LOST BOYS, so I'll let the actual tried-n-true fans of this flick make their call.

Before I move onto Sutherland's competitor, I must point out that all you voters should truly vote for the hottest guy (as felt in your heart AND your crotch) and not on name recognition alone.  Cuz there are several hunks in this competition who will be going up against some (now) A-list, household-name actors.  What I'm saying is...vote with your libido, not with your Imdb-recognition antennae.  You feel me?



Sutherland will be facing off with his THE LOST BOYS co-star, Jason Patric.  I will say -- right out of the gate, that this is the hairy-chested hunk who will receive my vote in this particular boner battle.  No need to beat around the bush (he is a hairy guy and this was the 80s) and wait to the end to proclaim my love here.  I'm posting several photos of Mr. Patric from the film, and will basically say, "a picture is worth a thousand words".  Or in this case, pictureS.  But allow me to gush anyway.  That hairy chest.  That jaw-line.  Those lips that are just begging to be sucked on.  I can't.  I just can't.  You can see what he does to me...I'm ending sentences with prepositions!  Okay, I do that all the time anyway, but Patric truly is dreamy.  On top of that, he's got the nostalgia factor for me.  He reminds me of two guys from my past.  One more recent -- strange, sexy resemblance there, and another from middle school -- one of those "early-developing, had a treasure trail and hair between his pecs at age 13, I got to see him naked in the shower after gym class" hotties who has always been one of my greatest regrets -- I never got to sample that.  You get the idea.  Jason Patric melts my butter and fries it up in a pan.  Close-up of his gorgeous face (stubble at 10am -- yummers) above.

Close-up of his gorgeous VAMPIRE face and that absolutely perfect nose (we can lose the earring).









...and the clincher -- a photo of him SHIRTLESS with the late Corey Haim (may he rest in peace).

Now.  Stop.  Just stop right there.  Take a moment to examine that body (Patric's), and if you must, take another look at Kiefer.  'kay?  Are we finished here?

Cast your vote.  And if you want to stay on my good side, cast it correctly.  Savvy?

The boys of THE LOST BOYS, everyone!

Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Six: John Furey vs. Thom Mathews

Well, the latest boner battle, the so-called "April Fool's Day Pranksters" found our highest voter turnout thus far.  Ken Olandt mopped the floor with Clayton Rohner (could be kinky if you're into that sort of thing), earning 14 votes to Rohner's lonely 1.  Civic duty is not dead, people.  Congrats to Mr. Olandt.  You've survived to boner battle another day!  Until your next battle Ken, stay alert, stay sexy and for all of us, find some tighter undies.  :)  But I must ask, where were the Rohner supporters?

Moving on -- our sixth battle takes us back into some Crystal Lake territory (see the first battle).  It won't be the last, so you may keep your "Jason" panties "un-bunched", if you don't see your favorite FRIDAY THE 13TH hunk in this current battle.

This bout is entitled, "Battle of the Friday the 13th Blondes"

From FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2, we're taking a look at John Furey, aka "Paul", the head counselor overseeing the film's group of ill-fated trainees.  First off...if you were my boss, I'd let you know immediately that any assistance you needed, in ANY area, would always be available.  You stressed out by that horny couple messing around in the wrong area of Crystal Lake?  I'll rub your shoulders, help you relax.  Your girlfriend a know-it-all psych major?  I can really get to those tense muscles if you remove your shirt.  Which, btw, NEVER HAPPENS in this film.  He's clearly got a hot bod, sporting plenty of blonde fur (always peeking out through the top of his shirt) on what have to be ample pecs and hard abs, and yet we never get a shot of that gorgeous flesh.  What gives?  Who's the director of this?  Steve Miner?  Galina (that's my secretary), could you get Steve Miner on the line for me?  I have a few choice words for him.  Thanks.

Furey had some bonus love from me as a kid, cuz he shared more than a passing resemblance to one of my childhood camp counselors (isn't that a weird coincidence?) whom I had a crush on, pre-puberty and pre-knowing who I was (a raging queen).  So that may give him a personal leg up.  Did someone say "leg up"?  All you had to do was ask.

Also, I feel obliged to point out that Furey's love interest in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 was Amy Steel, and that her love interest in APRIL FOOL'S DAY was the last battle's winner, Ken Olandt.  Ms. Steel -- I mean this in the nicest possible way -- "you lucky bitch".

The photo I've chosen for Mr. Furey will illustrate many of his fine, hunky qualities.  The flowy blonde hair.  The open shirt -- meant to tantalize and tease all of the young gay viewers, showing just a touch of luscious chest hair...and if you need me to explain the other assets on display here, well -- then we have a problem.  I'll just spell it out for you -- that PACKAGE!  (just so it was prominently displayed, I made this picture super big).  And finally, I realize that the other dude in the photo is also hot, do-able and boner-battle-worthy -- and maybe, just maybe -- we will be taking a closer look at him in a later boner battle.  Anyway, there you have it -- I mean HIM.  John Furey. (btw, Furey is the dude on the right in the photo).

Our next blonde hottie shows up a few sequels later, when he battles our beloved Jason -- now in a fun zombie form.  Thom Mathews (also known to most of us as a two-time actor in the RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD franchise) will be judged on his appearance in JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6.  He is the third actor to portray one of Jason's ultimate nemeses, Tommy Jarvis.  And he's clearly the sexiest.  Those eyes.  Those dreamy blue eyes.  His pseudo-Superman curl, but in yummy-nummy blonde.  And those lips.  Dear Lord, those lips.  To Jennifer Cooke (aka Megan), his love interest in the film, how many takes did you have to do on the CPR scene?  Be honest.

I know we get some bicep reveal in RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, but in JASON LIVES, his body sadly remains a mystery, covered up by all of that heavy 80s denim.  You know, I get that it's a cold summer at Crystal Lake (didn't they film in like October?), but when swimming or hauling large rocks into a boat, destined for the water or prepping to finally destroy the monster-dude who killed your mother, traumatized you and your sister and put you in the nut-house -- shouldn't you be wearing appropriate clothes?  Something a little more revealing and flexible?  Help me out here, Megan -- when you got his supplies, you couldn't have found him a pair of trunks, tank-top, a SPEEDO for the inevitable visit to the waters of Crystal Lake?  No?  Well, I guess you were on a schedule.  I won't like it, but I'll allow it.

The painfully over-dressed Tommy Jarvis -- Thom Mathews, everyone.

The time has come for you to do your patriotic duty, and vote for this current boner battle.  Blonde Jason foe vs. Blonde Jason foe.  You decide who moves on.

As hot as Thom Mathews is (he's on this list, isn't he?) I don't hesitate to cast my vote for John Furey.

On a side-note, I've chosen NOT to include Mathews' forerunner in the Tommy Jarvis sweepstakes -- in this entire contest.  While I recall that FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING's lead (John Shepherd) was packing some serious muscles, that film never grabbed me (I think I've actually only seen it a couple of times in my life) or became one of my all-time faves in the Jason series.  And since we're basing so many of these contestants on my pre-pubescent and pubescent horror hotties nostalgia and "boners", I can't place him in the running.  You know, just in case anyone wants to make a big stink over his absence.  :)

A Bucket List: The Beginnings of --

Is it the turning 40, just a month ago which has sparked a new interest in figuring out challenges and experiences I'd like to see happen (to me) in my lifetime?  Perhaps.  But, some of these have been in my head for years, if not decades.  So right here, right now, I am putting up my first few things which could be considered part of my bucket list.

Mid-life crisis?  Nah...

1)  I want to train and run and complete a marathon.  And with my joints and body aching nearly all the time, every day -- sooner rather than later, may be the best bet.

2) Play Seymour Krelborn in a production of LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS.  I've loved this part (and the show) for 3 decades, and the chance has never crossed my path... yet.

3) Visit South Africa -- and go out to sea to view the breaching of the Great White sharks.

4) And on a similar note, I want to one day dive in a shark cage with Great White sharks.

And that's all that comes to mind at the present time.

Later, yo.

Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Five: Ken Olandt vs. Clayton Rohner

I'm behind by a couple of days, but I figured letting the images of Ed Harris and Dennis Quaid wander around in your brains for a little extra time, would not pose an issue.

I had a better showing of voters in the beginning of these battles, and on this last one, only three votes.  Where are you hunk lovers?  *sigh*.  But with that, we can still proclaim a winner in the "Now Household Names" boner battle!  And it's Dennis Quaid (what with his luscious abs, happy trail and overall dreaminess).  Congrats to Mr. Quaid, who has a pretty decent chance of moving far in this contest.  And btw, all three votes were cast for him.

So, we move back into a little more obscure territory with our next round of 80s horror hunks.

It's the "April Fool's Day Pranksters" boner battle.  We're pitting Ken Olandt against Clayton Rohner!

Up first is Ken Olandt.  He was an overall 80s movie fixture, showing up in his underwear in two classic 80s films (are there more?)  SUMMER SCHOOL and the horror flick we'll be focusing on here, APRIL FOOL'S DAY.  I had the chance to meet him once in a Beverly Hills Starbucks and he remains ever-doable.  The first photo posted is of him with our beloved horror heroine, Amy Steel in APRIL FOOL'S DAY.

He has plenty of yummy shirtlessness in this flick (much to the pleasure of me now and especially me at 12 years old).  And the second photo is him in his tighty-whities (although not tight enough).

I'm also including a more recent, very flattering headshot, my autograph from him, and a pseudo-cheat shot of him in a g-string in the aforementioned SUMMER SCHOOL.  We are here for the enjoyment as well, right?

He makes a good impression in APRIL FOOL'S DAY's chalk-full-of-excellence ensemble cast, and you might hope that if you were the Amy Steel character, he'd make just as big a fuss over what your fate may be, when he was stuck in that damned closet during the climax of the film -- unaware of what was going on at that moment in the dining room of Muffy St. John's lovely island home.  What I'm saying, is that hopefully that fiery passion transfers to the bedroom (do I have to spell it out for you?)  And while we enjoy seeing his torso in those not-so-tighty-whities, I'd love to see what he wears these days...IN PERSON.  Ken Olandt, everyone!

And Mr. Olandt's competitor for this battle, is his APRIL FOOL'S DAY cast-mate and fellow 80s-movie staple, Mr. Clayton Rohner.  Rohner holds an extra special place in my heart, as he plays "Rick" in my #13 favorite film of all time, JUST ONE OF THE GUYS (where he is extra special yummy).  In our focus film, he is the sorta-douchey "Chaz", a far cry from the really nice guy "Rick" in JUST ONE OF THE GUYS.  But he's no less handsome and appetizing (minus the spiky 80s 'do).  I also recall an episode of the totally 80s HBO "after dark" series, THE HITCHHIKER, in which he shows off some lovely chest hair, stroked by none other than Ms. Shannon Tweed.  The chest hair is absent in JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, I'm assuming to keep him younger (although no less sexy).  But we do get his follicle forest in APRIL FOOL'S DAY.  It's a good thing, folks.  The first photo is Rohner w/ Deborah Goodrich (his co-star in AFD and JOOTG).  He's got a great profile (and you can see some of that chest hair peeking out) and the hairdo doesn't bother me so much in this pic.  I'm also including (since I did it for Olandt) a more recent photo of Rohner, and with the grey-beard-daddy look he's sporting, I'm not gonna say no to that.  Num.

 So, as I begin the battle with my own vote, I'm leaning more toward Olandt, but honestly, this is a toughie.  Rohner played more of a role in a nostalgic look back to my 80s childhood (I've seen JUST ONE OF THE GUYS countless times), but Olandt has a little more sex appeal (not dissing Rohner at all).  I'll give Olandt the edge here, and cast my vote for him.

Closing out the case for this boner battle, I'm including a photo of the two contestants (will this be the one and only time the contestants are from the same film?  Continue to follow the boner battles to find out!)  Now, do your civic duty, and vote for THE ULTIMATE 80s HORROR HUNK!

Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Four: Ed Harris vs. Dennis Quaid

Let us venture forth into our next boner battle, inching (how many is the question) toward an all-around victor in the quest for 80s Horror Hunk-dom!

But first, we must recap and name a winner from last time's boner battle.  It was the "Mature Men" portion of our contest, pitting Lance Henriksen and Terry O'Quinn against one another.  And rather than it ending up in blood and mayhem, we can just imagine that they made up with one another after the battle, in perverse ways only talked about behind closed doors.

The voting was scarce (only three people cast their votes -- 1 for Henriksen and 2 for O'Quinn), but there was a clear winner:  THE STEPFATHER's Terry O'Quinn moves ahead in the competition!  Congrats!  Apparently your "white as the driven snow" butt cheeks moved you up that victory ladder!

And one more bit of news!  We have a WINNER in the first battle -- Chris Sarandon vs. Kevin (Blair) Spirtas!  Apparently, Mr. Sarandon's sexy vampire and his very seductive ways were the real charmer!  Enough that a late-posted vote broke the tie!  Thanks, Roxie!

So this week's boner gets its motor running when we introduce this new contest, "Now Household Names".

They're two hot as hell dudes, who back in the day were not names which sparked recognition, unless you were a horror fiend.  But now, they're household names with plenty of mainstream credits and award recognition between them.

First up:  Ed Harris.  I'm choosing him for his brief role in the opening story ("Father's Day") of George A. Romero's CREEPSHOW.  He plays an unlucky (and kinda douch-y) "Hank", a hot blonde who is surely in his relationship with the bitchy "Cass" (Elizabeth Regan) for the eventual payoff.  I watched this film ad nauseum when it was playing on HBO back in the day, seemingly every few hours.  This film was definitely one of my inspirations for where I am today, a zombie/Romero fan, with hardly another geek to challenge my undead devotion.  "Father's Day" scared the bejesus out of me when I was little and still to this day, it can get a rise out of me.  Speaking of "rises", even as a pre-teen, Ed Harris sparked something in me.  He still had a more full head of hair (blonde no less) and those eyes.  My GOD those eyes!  And you could tell he was built.  Of course, when I was 9, I didn't know what "built" meant, but looking back, I can remember feeling pretty oogy over Harris, even with his ridiculous dance (which now I adore and the song is beautifully 80s with some left-over disco).  HERE's the link to that amazing dance portion of the film.  And get a load of Harris' pursed lips.  Absolutely delicious!

Now, as I have cheated already in this competition's "battle details", I may as well do it here as well.  There was a little known Romero film starring Harris from 1981 (a year before CREEPSHOW) called KNIGHTRIDERS.  During the late 90s, I was able to finally see this picture.  While it didn't blow my mind, there was the opening sequence in which Harris' character bathes nude in the lake, before flogging himself.  So while it's not a horror film (it's directed by a mainly horror director, does that count?), I'm still gonna use it to make the case for Harris.  His furry chest and absolutely tight ass are really something to make your mouth water.  So, I'm including some photos from that film as well (you'll thank me, so just shut up and enjoy!)  And please, pay no mind to the distracting breasts included here.  :)

This is a tough battle friends, with Ed Harris making me salivate as I type this, and now I must find the strength to introduce his opponent, the utterly do-able Dennis Quaid.  This guy is a butter melter of the highest order.  He's already appeared in my on-going celebrity hot-tub with no size restrictions, my "Stew of Sin", so he's got a one-up in this battle.  Before you go all, "he's always been a big name, he's never 'slummed' it in horror before."  Think again.  In the 80s, Quaid had a lead role in JAWS 3-D (which is a terrible, terrible film, but which I happen to adore) and the film which will be used today to make his hunky-case, DREAMSCAPE.  This is a really great film, which holds up (via tent-pole in my shorts?) to this day.  Great cast which included Christopher Plummer, Kate Capshaw and Max Von Sydow, it's worth a look if you've never seen it.  But, we must find our way back to the man at hand (in hand?).  There's a scene in DREAMSCAPE where Quaid is woken up by Von Sydow, and gets out of bed to reveal his lean (a bit pale here) and appetizing flesh.  His bikini undies serve to accentuate his package (which Meg Ryan surely used as inspiration in the diner scene which would define her career in WHEN HARRY MET SALLY -- were they together then?), and show off his meaty pecs, lick-able arms and tantalizing treasure trail...and that little patch of chest hair?  Oh.  My.  God.  Seriously, Quaid?  And you've only gotten more amazing as the years have gone by.  He's an actor who has kept me coming back for more, year after year (do you recall those ab shots in FAR FROM HEAVEN?)  The first picture is of Quaid in an adorable little v-neck sweater worn in the film.  And of course, the second photo (s) is him in those little black panties.  And check out that squeezable right butt cheek!

I think it's safe to determine how my vote will be cast.  Quaid.  Quaid.  And more Quaid.

But very honestly, this is a tough battle as both men are beyond drool-worthy.  But then again, Harris went on to play John McCain...so there's that.

Good luck.

Who is the ULTIMATE 80s Horror Hunk? Boner Three: Lance Henriksen vs. Terry O'Quinn

Here we are horror friends!  I'm a day late w/ the results of our second battle, "Freddy's Boys Part One" -- Rodney Eastman vs. Danny Hassel.  And unlike the still open first boner battle of Chris Sarandon and Kevin (Blair) Spirtas, we have a winner!

Second round victory, meaning this winning horror hunk will move on to boner battle another day --

Danny Hassel of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER & A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD.  Congrats to "Dan Jordan".  Those hairy "pool party pits" certainly gave you an edge!

And now -- new business.

Our latest battle takes us a few years later -- age-wise, to the "Mature Men" category.

I've already heard some scoffing from my other half, but keep in mind -- my nostalgic choices come from a younger place.  Shirtless men and male nudity were a rare find back in the day.  So when dicks and male butt cheeks made their way into the horror I was already watching, well -- that made for some immediate day-dreaming, regardless of actual physical beauty.  Not to say that our two contestants tonight are unattractive, but they're not "beautiful".  Does that make sense?

First up, you know him, you love him.  He's the android you adore in ALIENS, the vampire leader in NEAR DARK and the grieving vengeful father in PUMPKINHEAD.  And that's where we'll make our case.  I've seen younger Lance Henriksen roles, and find him authentically hot, if outside "the norm" (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean).  I've included a photo of young Master Henriksen in this post -- from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (check out those lips and that jaw-line!)  He was also memorably young and appetizing in DAMIEN: OMEN TWO.  And we do get some shirtless Lance in ALIENS, but honestly, he was never the one to grab my attention in that initial "waking up from hypersleep -- apparently she saw an alien once" intro to our rag-tag group of Marines and their co-horts.  I mean, there was Michael Biehn, Ricco Ross, Mark Rolston, William Goldman (he almost got an invite to this big boner battle) and even Bill Paxton -- garnering most of my attention as I rewound my old recorded copy of the film on VHS to check out hairy pecs, carved abs and tighty-whity buns.  Thanks, HBO!

But, a couple of years later, Stan Winston took on his first directing job, and cast Lance Henriksen in the awesome PUMPKINHEAD.  It's a great performance (when is Lance NOT good?  Honestly?), but I remember first seeing it and being almost shocked by his shirtless scene, as he chopped wood out behind his home, and marvelling at the fact that there was a truly hot body underneath those unique facial features!  I couldn't believe my eyes!  So, while Mr. Henriksen has seemingly always had deep wrinkles and a receding hairline in his films, he also has sex appeal.  And those abs and pecs and biceps of that soon-to-be maniacal poppa?  Worth placement in this battle.  You help decide.
(note:  I couldn't find a super great photo of his entire shirtless torso from PUMPKINHEAD, so this one w/ the baseball cap -- minus the amazing abs -- will have to suffice).

Up against Henriksen is another more mature horror dude.  He's more recognizable these days for LOST, but back in 1987, he gave a legendary performance as your worst nightmare of a usurper in THE STEPFATHER.  In the opening sequence, we see what this character is capable of, and we're in for a helluva ride.  Now, I realize those of you who know this film, will scoff --perhaps gag, at the fact that I'm gonna bring up my big boner scene in the film -- and that it's the moment after he has just horribly murdered his family in the beginning.  Again, I must remind you that I saw this at about 14 years old, so the male nudity afforded here, outranked the nastiness of what had just happened!  I'm reminded of my first viewing of SCHINDLER'S LIST.  I was absolutely disgusted by Ralph Fiennes character, but couldn't deny the fact that given the chance, I would jump Fiennes' bones.  It is indeed a weird thing to be disgusted and turned on at the same time.  I'm sure I'm the only person to EVER experience such a thing.  Anyway, O'Quinn cleans himself up after his latest murder spree and then prepares his next disguise before moving into the meat of the film.  But there is a brief glimpse of his dingly-dangly, his snow-white butt cheeks (pictured above), and his really nice pecs.  Just never mind the blood stains all over his face.  So I have issues.  Are we really so surprised?

But he's also quite handsome (check out those blue eyes) when he turns over a new leaf w/ his new family (Shelly Hack & Jill Schoelen).  I just remember thoroughly enjoying this rare male flesh on my late night television screen.  Thanks Joseph Ruben and Terry O'Quinn for giving a small town, closeted adolescent a little (well, not little) bit of confirmation and a view of the good things to come.  Ahem.

Okay folks.  It's time once again to vote.

As always, I'm making my choice known, and I'm gonna have to go for Mr. Henriksen on this one (although seeing Mr. O'Quinn's pubes and ass made this a tough choice).

Three days before the next face-off!